Reading the roadmap of life

Mania vs. Depression

2008-07-07T03:03:00.000-07:00

Reciently my partner mentioned that her theropist thinks I like my partners mania's more than her depressions. Hmmm its an interesting thought, hypo mania maybe a little but full blown mania not so much. Personally I enjoy the balanced moments. Depression is terrible, the anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, tears. I definately do not enjoy depression, the commercials are right; depression hurts. But so does mania, for me anyway. My partner is in a state of exticy while experiencing mania, she wants to do things, go shopping, see people, she moves at a super human pace, but she also chases rainbows, spends too much, leaves me behind in her whirlwind. Hypo-mania however I can deal with. To me she is fun, she wants to do things with me, she wants to go camping, she laughs and talks and we have fun together, but I have watched this illness for a while now and I always know that a good hypo-manic phase if not monitored will jump right up into a full blown mania, then I have stuff to worry about... Usually there is a great fall into depression from mania.
Nature seems to be the great devide for my partner, besides a little bit of hypo mania bipolar seems to remain at the city limits anticipating our return from nature. In nature my partner seeks out a place to meditate, she finds a sence of purpose in setting up camp, building fire, cooking, hiking, gathering wood for fires etc... She seems happy there. the call of the loons bring her soul peace. The stars bright at night guide her way to tomorrow. The cleansing water washes away the depression. There are no cars, there is no rush, out in the wilderness it is all about survival, the basics of life, food, water, shelter. There is no interfearance, no pointless quests, no need for stores, wastefull gadgets, its what life is all about. Out in the wilderness you have quality time with your loved ones, you work as a team on a survival project and feel the accomplishment together as a real team. Not the made up ideals of teamwork within an office setting, but real team effort, and when you need to you can take a break, when you are complete you have real down time, you can hop in the lake for a swim, you can take a nap, you can lay in the sun. In the city when you finish work you get in your car, run your erronds, you go home cook the family dinner, do the dishes, clean up, by the time you get any down time it is bed time.
If I had the means I would find a beautiful lake somewhere away with lots of privacy and move there, make life simple again. Refocus on survival and forget about the rat race.

bipolar planet

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Ten Wonderful Years

2008-06-10T15:08:00.000-07:00

This month my partner and I celebrate ten years together. Ten years, on one hand it feels like 2 weeks on the other 100 years. We have survived through thick and thin, we have endured great happiness and great loss. Our love has remained strong, true and patient.

We have had our hard times like with all long term relationships. My partners diagnosis of bipolar disorder has been a prominant part of our lives together for the past few years. She has endured unbearable lows and sky highs. Through it all she has managed to remember me here, remember my love for her, she managed to muster up the courage to live and has remained here by my side in moments I am sure she wanted nothing more than to run as fast as she could. Either to chase a manic rainbow or to just give in and leave this world and her life here behind. For that I can never show her enough love.

A ten year anniversary is something that I wasnt sure we would see a few years ago. Our relationship went through a very rough time. It was tempted and strained. Without a diagnosis my partners mania nearly drove our relationship down a dead end road. Somehow our love provailed, we managed a 3 point turn before the end of that road and decided to head down another path. This path seems far more promising, sure it has dangerous twists and turns and there is always another fork in it somewhere but we are not driving recklessly anymore. We are taking the road slow and steady, making the best decisions that we can with both our minds unified in the process. I am so incredibly proud and humbled to be here, at this point, weeks away from celebrating 10 years together. I can't think of anyone else I would like to spend my life with. Bipolar Disorder can ride in the back seat with us on our journey but I refuse to let it take the wheel.

This year is supposed to be our diamond anniversary. I am not one to really follow those types of gift standards and well lets face it I couldnt afford to buy a diamond beautiful and big enough to house the love that I have for my partner. Instead I will give her a memory, a memory I hope she can take with her on our journey and beyond. I am going to take her away for a weekend to Algonquin Park. There we will spend a quiet, relaxing weekend with only our company. We will go hiking and swimming, we will enjoy some wine in front of a roaring fire and dine on steak cooked on an open fire. At the end of the day we will fall into eachothers arms and reminisce on the past ten years we have spent toghether, all the good memories of those years, we will remeber all of the difficult times and be thankful we came through them all together.

I can't wait to see what the next Ten years offers us! I hope that whatever life throws our way we will continue to come together and find our way through hand in hand and minds united in love and respect.

bipolar planet

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Hiking Rattlesnake Point

2008-06-07T04:37:00.001-07:00

We desided last week to go camping, we were going to check our Earl Rowe Provincial Park but at the last moment desided not to go. The weather forcast for the weekend was terrible. Thunderstorms all three days, which wasnt what we were concerned about as much as the wind forcast. So instead we are going hiking and caving at Rattlesnake Point!
I have hiked and caved at rattlesnake point once before, when I was in highschool. I was a part of our highschools hiking club and I can say that rattlesnake point is amazing! It is chock full of cool little caves you can navigate your way through as well the scenery is awsome... I will have to bring along my camera for the day! Despite all of the forecasts for this weekend the weather is perfect for a day in the woods!

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The Real Life Results of Media Fear Tactics

2008-06-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

I want to start this post by saying that I don't for one second buy into the media scare tactics. I don't walk around town looking over my shoulder expecting something tragic to happen at any random moment. The way I see live is what will happen will happen and I refuse to live my life in fear. I wish I could say that for all the people around me.

About four months ago we hired this guy at work, on his first day it was apparent there was something odd about him. My first memory of this kid is him crouched down in the hallway outside of the lunch room with his elbows on his knees just glaring around. At the time I just thought perhaps he is shy and doesnt feel comfortable enough to sit in the lunch room with everyone else. As time has gone on some more weird events have come about. For example, we will all be busy at work and the phones ringing and I will look around the room, this kid will be doing push ups behind his desk. He also comes in everyday tracking mud through the office, mud caked up to his ankles. He has been seen leaning back against the wall eyes to the sky in a prayer stance behind his desk. The little bit of history I know of this young man is that he was born in Haiti and chose to adopt the muslim religion. He is serious about his choice and prays more often then the remainder of the muslim staff working for us. To me this kid is just a little strange, not dangerous.

It is brought to our attention that one of the staff members saw him visiting a terrorist website while he was working. With that we decided to track his internet usage and have over 900 site hits in just the last four days. All staff sign an agreement upon hire stating that we are not to use the internet for personal use while at work. So to me just the fact that he has visited over 900 internet pages in four days is a major offence. But what the company is looking for is evidance that he was visiting terrorist web sites. There is a number of hits for Al Jazzeer which for those who dont know is a television station similar to CNN in the Middle East. I would expect that if he was watching Middle Eastern news reels they could be mistaken for terrorist web sites. My thoughts and feelings on the matter is that this whole situation is being blown out of proportion. People are scared. Yesterday I was involved in our weekly management meeting and was shocked at just how fearful people really are. The meeting consisted of the management piecing together pieces of an invisable puzzle to come to the conclusion that this kid is involved in terrorist activities. I work in a place that has access to some confidential information, we have access codes to important Canadian buildings etc... Which has just heightened the fear within our management team. Every attempt I made during that meeting to difuse this fear was rejected. They have themselves convinced that this guy is an imediate threat to the safety of our workers.

The conclusion to our meeting is I have to go in this morning at 8am and terminate this employee, on the basis that he has violated our policies by using the internet for personal use during working hours. The company has hired armed guards to protect the property for months to come in the event that this young man is a threat. The guards will be in the building this morning when I terminate him. They will be standing by in the event something terrible happens. To me this is excessive. My fear is that this kid is no harm at all and the company is discriminating against him. My problem is that I have to be a part of something I dont believe in. I agree that his employment should be terminated but not on the basis of imagined terrorist involvement but on the basis that he violated a company standard. We have terminated other employees while this young man has been employeed with us and we have never had armed guards present. The other thing that I just cant get past is, if the company truly believes that this kid is involved in this type of organization why are they not involving the police? Why do they not have the police look into his activities? No we are just going to set him free from our little piece of the planet and call it a day. We are going to assume based on some of his oddities and hearsay that he is involved in this type of organization and remove him from our work space.

I pray for a day when people can co-exist on this plannet, when we stop assuming things about people based on our own ignorance and fear, when people will be innocent until proven guilty. Until then I will go to work today and terminate this young mans employment for his personal internet use. Not because I believe he is involved in anything dangerous.

bipolar planet

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Different Perspectives

2008-06-01T04:57:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I love so much about blogging is the feedback. All that I am here, is an individual, like many others that are searching for some answers. We turn to the internet, we turn to other bloggers, we turn to eachother, and hope to make some sense out of this world, this life. I have spent the last three years living daily with Bipolar disorder. Day in and day out I have watched it eat away at my partner. It has ripped her from the life she had, has changed the way she thinks, reacts and carries out her days. The last post was not intended to simplify bipolar disorder down to the chemicals in our world. If you will, it was more a stab in the dark at a possible factor. I find myself on a constant mission to try and find possible solutions to HELP my partner's battle with this illness. It is an illness I feel helpless against.
greenishtinge said...

1. extreme moods have been documented since at least the time of Aristotle when the chemical lifestyle of today didn't exist. There are, throughout history, clusters of people who were considered bp or as having one type of mental afflication or another, hysteria, etc. I understand that you are weary of the rate at which people are being diagnosed with bp but as the DSM gradually includes more and more symptoms in its list of criteria more and more people are fitting the bill of being mentally ill. Also, be careful of your logic. Just because people eat more ice-cream in the summer and there are more drowning deaths in the summer doesn't mean that the increase in ice-cream consumption causes drowning.

2. Be careful. Sometimes people can take offense at their symptoms being whittled down to chemical products. They may feel that perhaps you are making their illness less legitimate. Remember that bp often runs in families and that many older generations, in spite of mental illness, did not believe or receive a diagnosis. If, for example, I was to take my own family history, there was a lot of mental illness types of incidents/behaviors but no one was ever diagnosed with anything, including my grandmother who attempted a murder/suicide and probably had what we would now call Aspergers syndrome. Just some of my thoughts.

I want to thank greenishtinge for her thoughts on this issue and for brining home how my words can trigger others that read them. I had not thought about the stigma associated with mental illness in the past, it is yet another lesson in the reliability of statistics. I hope that those who read my words on this site can keep in mind that I love my partner dearly and want to do whatever I can to help in anyway. I figured that eliminating some of the chemicals we are exposed to on a regular basis can't hurt. Which is why at the beginning of the last post I wrote that I didn't think it was advisable for anyone to read my words and decide to stop any medications. Even in talking about this more natural lifestyle with my partner I was sure to specify that she needed to remain on her medications. The trouth is I dont have any answers about this illness. I dont know what causes it and I dont know how to fix it. What I do know is the effects it has had on my partners life and the lives of those who love her. And all I want to do is help.
The conclusions I have come to in the past few years is that my partner finds peace in nature. Having a dog helps as well (he forces her off the couch and into the fresh air, wether or not she wants to). She does a little better when she eats properly and excercises regularily. Meditation is helpful, both with helping her sleep properly and with making her step out of the thinking planning mode that her mind loves and makes her live in the moment. I would do anything for my partner. I built her a meditaion room in our home so she would have a clean quiet area to practice her mediation. Its her space and her space alone. She can retreat to it whenever she wants or needs to. I try to get her out into nature as often as possible, even going as far as to look into a career change for me so we can move to a farm. I come home after working all day and make us dinner because I know she needs to eat and often does not unless I force her too. If I had the money I would move us into a cottage somewhere beautiful with trees and water and a lot of space for her to walk and hike. Just in the hope that a change in environment would ease the grip this illness has had on her life over the past few years. I hope anyone reading this blog will remember that anytihng I say or any ideas I have are all about trying to help my partner cope with this illness. I didnt think for one moment that changing to all natural cleaners and organic foods would cure her of this illness I just thought perhaps it would be helpful with some of her symptoms. Beyond that I do believe that it would be healthier overall to live a more natural lifestyle.
Thank you Greenishting for your thoughts and insites on what I had to say. It is nice to have other thoughs and perspectives on the ideas I have. Thank you as well for delivering those perspectives in the respectful manner in which you did. I appreciate that. I am not here to offend or diminish this illness or anyone suffering with it. I use this blog to document my thoughts and feelings on bipolar disorder and my partners battle with it. My love for her is pure and I strive to find ways to help, I dont think for one moment that I will cure anything. I am not a doctor nor do I have any solid science background, I just have love and respect. With that I arm myself and try to find ways to be helpful. I feel like it is not enough for me to be supportive and to be there for her both physically and emotionally, I feel like there has to be more I can do. Ways that I can change our environment to ease some of the symptoms she has, to try to create a space in which she can experience happiness and clarity. Alas I am helpless against this illness, perhaps one day I will accept that and just let what be, be what is.

bipolar planet

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Our Chemical World

2008-05-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

Before I start this post I want to first put out a warning. I do not in any way shape or form suggest anyone take what I am about to write in this post and use it as a reason to stop taking any medications perscribed by a medical professional. I do not want my words to be responcible for anyone making a decision that can harm their health and well being. The ideas that are about to come are nothing more than a girls thoughs on the effects of the world around us. Having said that if you are in a fragile state and angry or frusterated with the fact that you have to take medications I ask that you read no further.

Now that I have that out I want to talk about the current state of our surrounding environment. 50 years ago our world was a cleaner place, food was grown naturally, meat was grass or grain fed, the cleaning products were natural. My partner was looking at some statistics about bipolar disorder last week that got me thinking. The statistic that peaked my interest is that people in my age group are being diagnosed Bipolar at alarming rates. People of my parents generation are beginning to be diagnosed now as well. So why all of a sudden are people in their 30's being diagnosed and in their 50's? how did the people who are being diagnosed in their 50's get through the last 20 years without symptoms? Could it be this?

I started thinking about all of the changes humans have come through in the last 50 years. The one staggering thought is chemicals. Everything we eat, drink, wear, sleep on and clean with is infused with multiple chemicals. We are injesting, breathing and absorbing an alarming amount of chemicals just by getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast in the morning, not to mention the chemicals our bedding and the beds themselves are soaked in that we are sleeping on. My question is, is it possible that chemical sensitivities could be at least partially responsible for the influx in people showing symptoms of mental illness?

I started researching Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) an illness that is not yet recognized by medical professionals, mainly because there is not enough evidance to support the claim. Here are the symptoms listed for MCS:

-Headache

-Fatigue

-Dizziness

-Nausea

-Irritability

-Confusion
-Difficulty Concentrating

-Intolerance to heat or cold

-Earache

-Stuffy head or congestion

-Itching

-Sneezing

-Sore throat

-Memory Problems

-Breathing Problems

-Changes in heart rhythm

-Chest Pain

-Muscle Pain and/or stiffness

-Bloating or gas

-Diarrhea

-Skin Rash or Hives

-Mood Changes

This list blew me away! So many of the symptoms here reflect the symptoms my partner has complained about for years. I am not suggesting that my partner is not bipolar or that she should stop her meds, I just think that with the change in the frequency of which people of this age group are being diagnosed Bipolar coupled with the fact that nothing (and I do mean nothing) that we come in contact with daily, hourly or by the minute or second is free of chemicals. I am sitting here right now in a t-shirt and pajama pants thinking about the anti flamable chemicals my cloths were dipped in during manufacturing and the laundry detergent and fabric softner chemicals mixing and seeping into my body through my skin. My bare feet resting on the wood floors treated with chemicals, the air that I am breathing, tiny particals of chemicals that I have cleaned with I am inhaling with each breath. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in dish soap? There is nothing in dish soap that I can even pronounce. Or air freshener.. my god! I have known for a long time that man is killing the environment and creating a place unfit for the future of our children, now I know it is much more urgant than that. We are changing the chemical makeup of our bodies. Yours and mine. Everytime I put my hands in dish water I am absorbing about 10 different chemicals that are traveling directly into my blood stream. Wear rubber gloves to avoid that chemical transfer? What chemicals are the gloves treated in?

5o Years ago people cleaned with natural products, vinegar and water amongst others, we were not afraid of our cloths or bedding catching fire, cotton was what was worn, or food was grown in dirt, not in pesticides. Our animals fed grass and grains, not hormones and biproducts. My partner and I will be going through a pretty drastic lifestyle change in the coming weeks. I will be changing our hygene products to natural products, or cleaning products to chemical free cleaning products and the food we eat will be organic. I am even considering throwing the microwave in the garbage.... Who thought that cooking food in a device that DOES NOT HEAT UP was this great idea?

I am no professional, I do not know with any kind of solid proof that bipolar disorder has anything at all to do with our chemical world and am not suggesting in anyway that anyone including my partner discontinue use of perscribed medications. I can not conclude that MCS is responsible for any symptoms of bipolar, all that I am saying is in my house we will be changing to natural chemical free products for the good of both of our health. As well as the environment.

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Dragging her out

2008-05-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Last night there was a function for my work, its called the Dolly Awards where people recieve their service awards among others. I recieved an invitation about a month ago and decided to RSVP for two but wait until the event neared to ask my partner to join me. I didnt want her to have weeks to dream up all the ways in which these kinds of events could be disasterous. I work with some amazing people, people that I knew my partner would love. I have been trying to get her to join me at some of these events for ages but could never convince her that the event wouldn't be boring and uncomfortable. So two days ago I asked my partner to join me for this event assuring her that she would have a good time and not to worry about anything. The event was being held at the Old Mill Inn and Spa, a beautiful, rustic building caked in history. To my surprise she agreed to go, if not with some hesitation and a little show of anxiety.

The night was amazing! We had some drinks and laughed the night away. The whole thing was a success, and my partner had a good time. Bipolar disorder has a way of playing with her imagination and turning the idea of social events into possibly painful experiences and she often succumbs to those ideas and holds herself back from some great experiences.

Last night she was wonderful, getting along with everyone like they were old friends, there is nothing that makes my heart melt for her even more than when I see her laughing, I am so happy she decided to come. Next time we will have to get a room at the Inn, and carry the beauty and ambiance of this wonderful place into the night!

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Lifted Cloud

2008-05-20T03:11:00.000-07:00

Well the depression has lifted. At least for the moment. This weekend was good although I find myself stalking possible triggers that threaten the current state of calm. After a week of trigger after trigger I have my eye pealed for any possible new problems, ready to jump on top of them and block their way into my partners fragile head. Yesterdy we went so far as to turn off the phone and just read and naped, which made for a pleasant day.
Overall the weekend was good and we managed to hold the looms of depression at bay, we enjoyed a movie and had plenty of time to just relax. I hope that this weekend offers us a repreave from the threat of depression and the ever constant threat of mania that seems to follow the depression. The last few nites my partner has had a hard time sleeping which worries me , it is a surefire way to know mania is in the wings, however the sleepless nights could be a simple result of daytime naps. Heres to hoping!

2008-05-19T07:25:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDQnkYwfNfk

I love this song.

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5 Things

2008-05-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

5 Things I Love
-My partner
-My puppy
-My family
-Summer
-The outdoors

5 things I always wanted to do

-Travel the world
-Make a career of my photography
-Build a home with my bare hands
-Live off the land
-Take pictures of a secluded waterfall in a far away place

5 of my favorite people

-My partner
-My mother in law
-My mother
-My siblings
-Me

5 things i like to do with my time

-Read
-Visual Arts
-Camp (be in nature)
-Be around good friends
-Enjoy a glass of wine with my girl

5 things I dislike

-Mental illness
-Liers
-Money
-Living in the city
-Dreams unreolized

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Depression

2008-05-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is worse, depression or mania. Both have their major downfalls. Mania comes with excessive spending, arguments, insecurity etc. Yet depression makes me feel so helpless. When the world is so unfair and things just tumble downhill. It pains me that I dont have the words in me to make everything okay for my partner in her depressions. What is inside of me, all the love and patience is never enough. I can't spill my overflowing heart into hers to give her hope and ease that pain.

I know this too shall pass. Depressions have come and gone for her over and over in the past three years, but each one is like a fresh slice with the worlds sword. It sits shining in the corner, edge gleaming like it has been freshly sharpened and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And I am powerless against it. I want to whack it against a boulder a thousand times until I fall exhausted against the boulder with the dull sword chiming with each bounce off the floor beside me, never to be sharpened again. Alas there it sits shining and untouchable.

This week has been difficult for my partner, thus difficult for me. I want for my soft words and gentle caresses to sooth the pain I know I cant touch. I want my words to mean so much and make so much sence in my partners bipolar mind, that the depression would just fall aside, the usless blob of bull shit that it is. I want so badly to be able to make her well, to just hand to her in a beautifully gift wrapped package, confidance, happiness, clairity, stability and a life full of wonder. I am restricted to gentle words, caresses and all the love and patience that I have in my heart. I will pour my love relentlessly over her depression until enough drips through to bring a smile to her face and hope to her heart. Until then I shower my love with all my heart has to offer.

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CPP and their Liers Win Policies

2008-05-14T02:58:00.001-07:00

Bipolar disorder has ripped apart my partners life and sence of self in so many ways I dont have time to name here. She was layed off from her job of 10 years almost 3 years ago and Bipolar moved in in its place. Since that time she has been working tirelessly on herself trying to come to a place of greater understanding of this illness that has taken control of her life. She made a brave attempt to work about two years ago and it resulted in a major emotional breakdown that led to a visit to our local crisis center.
With only my income we struggle financially. After paying bills and gassing my car there is little left for anything else. This financial struggle has not helped my partners emotional recovery, she feels an enormous amount of guilt. We have been trying for quite some time to get her financial assistance. We were told by Ontario disability that I make too much money (even though on my income alone we are below the poverty line) they said that she would have a better chance with CPP Disability because she contributed to it for over 10 years. So an application and multiple Dr's forms later, she was declined for CPP too. Why? Because she stated on her application that she had a goal of returning to work next year. Apparently she was not aware of how to play the CPP/ Gov't Assistance game. Rejected for having a goal, for being honest about that goal and for being honest throughout the whole ordeal. People wonder why Joe Blow down the street is on gov't assistance when there is nothing wrong with him, this is the honest answer. He knows how to lie and play the game. Yet people with mental illness and morals, now have to get a lawer and appeal the decision.
We teach our kids honesty is the best policy. Remeber to also teach them if they need anything from the gov't to lie through their teeth.

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Farm Girls!

2008-05-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning I went to a small town outside of Kitchener calls St. Claments, to pic my partner up. She had spent a few days in Grand Bend and came to St. Claments with her friends to their daughters farm for their anniversary party. We arrived at precicely the same moment (actually if trouth be told I would have been there about 5 minutes earlier but I missed the farm and went 5km in the wrong direction) We had decided the night before over the phone to stay at the farm overnight on Saturday.
Can I just say I love farm life? Okay I am saying it I love farm life! The farm is just a small hobby farm which is just perfect for me. They have two horses and some chickens so far. Other than that the farm is a beautiful 5 acres of property that is tree lined with a beautiful pond near the back. This property has a nice two bedroom farm house and a nice two bedroom appartment above the garage. My partner and I fell in love with the appartment. you go up a flight of stairs on the side of the garage to a small deck, as you enter the appartment the kitchen is on the left, it has an old table and chairs but what really caught our eye was the bench seat behind the table it curves in a L and seats 3 people along one side and the back of the table. Then you enter a door into the living room which is a large space that looks out over the property, off the living room there is another large room it looks like it may have been used as a dining room, I would probably take down the wall that seperates the two rooms and make it an open concept living/dining area perhaps put a bar in the space as well. the bedrooms are through another door. In the hallway there is a stairway that leads down to another room and out into the garage. The master bedroom is a fair size and has exposed slanted ceiling, this room looks out to the horses. The second bedroom is mall but still with the slanted ceiling and would make a great meditation room. The bathroom is well its a bathroom. When you go down the stairs you come out in a room that has a big fireplace against the wall there is also a wood burning stove in the room to heat the appartment in the winter. I would make this room very comfortable, I have always wanted a place with a fireplace. The wood burning stove is an added bonus!
So my partner and I are laying in the apartment Saturday night just revaling in how much we love it. It felt so much like home. It was so comfortable. Even the dog was comfortable. The apartment is definately a place I could see myself living.
In the morning I got to drive the tractor! I love the whole idea, having a nice quiet, private place to live. Helping out around the farm. Feeding horses and chickens, building different things on the farm. Our friends that owned the farm in the morning asked me how the appartment was, my reply. "you mean our appartment is was wonderful. I love it" She said we will talk... They are looking for someone to rent the appartment and well they just may have some takers if they can wait until January, and if I can find some way to make money out there. It is close to Kitchener so I dont think I would have too much of a problem.
In the mean time if they want to rent the place to us in the next year, there is so much that I would like to do. My head is swimming with the possibility.

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A Crazy Day in the Neighbourhood

2008-05-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

We decided last night that I would go to work a little early this morning due to the fact we would be a little understaffed today. I could pick up the slack for a little while. So I trott in an hour and 45 minutes early and sit down at my desk. I don't even get logged into the system and my phone is ringing,have everyone log off the system we are going to do some upgrades! On a friday. Afternoon! They have to be kidding. I should say that I work for a company that takes emergency calls for elevators across Canada as well as maintenance and repair calls, on average we recieve more than 2000 calls daily. Working off the system is like a surgan doing your stiches blindfolded. When you are off the system where I work you cant dispatch the calls because it tells you what mechanic takes the calls, it also houses all of the phone extensions for the whole company. So for 20 minutes we are forced to take manual calls and wait to dispatch them until we can get back on the system. Finally it is time to boogy and we discover the upgrades have caused all kinds of system errors which kick us out of the system everytime we save a change or dipatch a call. Back off the system again. and this cycles all day long! Finally they kick us off the system for a final time so they can remove the system "upgrades" so we can get the job done efficiently for once. The fun doesnt stop here though now you have 40 calls on the screen that need to be dispatched and mechanics yelling because the calls are a frw hours old. I don't blame them for being upset about it though, they are on the road and now need to rush around to a bunch of calls in an hour or two that they should have had spread out throughout the day.

I got home tonight tossed my bag on the couch and thought to myself home sweet home, and TGIF! I have to do some laundry tonight but I intend to lay around for most of the evening with my book and a bottle of water and relax. I think I earned an evening off!

bipolar planet

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All You Can Eat Sushi With Rules

2008-05-09T04:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I had plans with some friends from work, we went to dinner at a resturant that offered all you can eat sushi. Now sushi is one of those foods that looks like you can eat a lot but once you get started you fill up fast. The resturant was not an all you can eat buffet so some people order a course from the menu and others can order all you can eat which for $17 you can pick anything you want off the menu. What I didn't know is that you have to finish what is on your plate or they charge you for each thing you ordered individually. So being causious, I ordered vegitable tempura, salmon rolls and Las Vegas rolls, thinking I am hungry I can eat 12 pieces of sushi. Apparently my eyes are bigger than my stomach because 1/2 of the tempura and 8 pieces of sushi later I could bairly breath. If I payed for each item individually dinner would have cost me near $40 but only half of that if I could finish what was on my plate. Another rule is you cant share. So there were three other people at the table I could not pass this extra food on to. When the waitress went in the back to get someone elses order I quickly tossed some of the sushi on my plate to one of my friends who had ordered the same thing. I then went outside for a smoke thinking if I waited a few minutes I may be able to squeeze in the last of the food in front of me. Not so much. There were two pieces of Las Vagas rolls staring up at me from the plate and a few more pieces of tempura. I am sitting there staring back at the plate thinking I don't want to pay twice as much for dinner because I can't eat this little bit of food left..... So, I put my hands in my jacket pocket and eurika! There was a bag in my pocket, a vacant pick up bag left from a previous walk with the dog! Thank God. When the moment presented itself I quickly took the remaining food from my plate and disposed of it in the bag, secretly thanking god that I didnt have to choke down the rest of what I knew wouldnt fit in my stomach. Needless to say I will NEVER order the all you can eat sushi from the menu again. I felt like a little kid whose parents wont allow to get up from the table until they finish all their veggies. I was so full I wanted to cry looking down at my plate thinking I am going to be here all night. Saved!

We then moved on to one of the local gay bars to watch a drag show. The show was scheduled to start at 11pm. But like most things with gay boys it ran late. 12am the show starts and the bar fills up. It was very much worth the wait! Not only was the show great but we went on the introduction night for Smirnoff Black Ice and got free drinks out of the deal too! You can't ask for a better deal than that.
I forgot to forewarn my streight co-worker friends of my known antics with gay boys at clubs... Oops! I will proclaim loud and proud that I Love Gay Boys! Love them. I always have and I attract them like a big ol' lesbian magnet! Get enough drinks in me and I have been known to make out with them. There is not feelings there which makes it all the more fun, I dont want them they dont want me, so what the hell. It didn't get to that point last night because I have to work this morning, I am too old to play too hard on school nights! So I will say they got a small taste of Jenn with the gay mens... LOL.. It was just a little shocking to them to see me react that way to men period. The night was so much fun, I haven't had the opportunity to go out and have fun like that in a while. It was really nice. Just don't order the all you can eat sushi if you cant eat all you think you can!

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Time apart

2008-05-06T03:17:00.000-07:00

There was a time long ago that my partner and I were inseperable. We wanted to be with eachother at all times. It was painful to be apart, a few days seemed like an eternaty. I would well up with tears as she left the house to go visit a friend for a few days, thinking how much I was going to miss her. How could we be apart? How could I sleep in our bed without her breathing next to me? Every moment apart felt like an eternity. I would despriately try to find something to fill my time with while she was away. I would busy myself with housework, friends, extra hours at work. I could never just sit back and enjoy having the house to myself.

Now after ten years together and some difficult times we have come to the reolization that some time apart every now and then is healthy. Having friends that we can enjoy the company of without eachother is healthy.
Today I will be taking my partner to her friends in Grand Bend, where she will be staying until the weekend. In past history for a few days before a trip like this I would feel needy and clingy, I would feel the need to suck up all the love and attention I could get from my partner before she were to leave. Today I would be emotional, it would feel almost like loss, like she was going forever even though I knew logically it was only for a few days. Now I joke about it, last night we were laying in bed and I turned to my partner and said (sarcasticly) "you are LEAVING me! Forever!" And we laugh. She comes back with "you are right, I am running away to Grand Bend and never comeing back... So your coming to pick me up on Saturday?" We laugh some more.

It is nice to no longer feel that insecurity, to be able to enjoy my time alone. I have to work everyday that she is away but on Wednesday I have a work function in the evening, on Thursday I am going to dinner with some friends and Friday I will just spend my evening here at home reading and relaxing. I will miss my partner when she is away, I like to come home to her beautiful face each night. I like to hear her voice before I drift off to sleep, etc. But missing her is different now than it used to be, it is no longer a desperate feeling. No longer does a few days feel like an eternaty without her. The time will pass and before I know it she will be back home and her voice will be the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep.

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So Frusterating

2008-05-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

Over six years ago my partner and I desided to move into a nice two bedroom appartment on the main floor of a beautiful building with my father. Suddenly after 6 years living here the management company that runs the building has desided it is high time they cause us some unnecessary greif.

Two weeks ago we recieved a notice in the mail that they have reason to believe that we have additional tenants residing within our unit not named on the lease and that we could expect to have a unit inspection within the next ten days. For me this is mearly a pain in the ass. I know we have nothing to hide, we have had the same three people living in our unit since our move in date. We rairly have guests in our home, and in the six years we have lived here have had only two overnight guests and both stayed for less than 3 consecutive days. So bring on your inspection. For my partner this is a catasrophy. She feels like she is under a microscope. She has been struggling with this since the day we recieved the notice. Why are they doing this to us? Why her? What did she do to deserve this? Who would want us out of here? We live on the main floor so we often keep our drapes closed for privacy, we dont bother other people in the building.

D-day has come and gone, the inspection was well... lets just say interesting. My partners fears and parinoia are at an all time high with this situation. The manager came in with two ladies to look around, on their way out the manager says to me," I know you have a colored lady living here". First, 1961 called they want their racism back! and Second, He knows nothing apparently because not only is there not a "colored" lady living here but there are no additional ladies or men living here at all! He then went on to say this lady is entering our unit nightly and sleeping here. The whole accusation is so absord I can't help but laugh! My partner on the other hand is spending all of her time worrying about this situation. She typed up a visitors log for anyone who enters out appartment to sign, including their name, race, the date, time in, time out and signature. We also put together a document for our neighbours to sign stating that they have not been witness to any additional people coming into or leaving our unit with a consistancy that would suggest residancy.
This morning my partner was walking our dog and the superintendant took the liberty of standing by our appartment door and staring at her. This was just one more trigger to add to the already tedious pile of triggers over the past few weeks. She feels intimidated, like she needs to prove everything that is being done. She is making a big deal, speaking loudly in the hallways to bid our guests adue at the end of their visits.

As far as i am concerned if they don't believe us they can do one of a few things they can park a lawn chair outside our door and sit there for the next few weeks months or however long it takes for them to reolize there are just the three of us here. or they can turn the security cameras to face our door and capture the three of us as we come and go from our unit. I will not be intimidated our of my home by some arrogant prick who thinks he is something special because he is the superintenant. We pay more than any other residants of this building for our appartment it doesnt even make good busness sence to try to get rid of us. Beyond that I am not new here, I know my rights as a tenant and I also know we have not violated any of the terms and conditions of our lease.

However, home is supposed to be your sanctuary from the world, a place to kick up your feet and relax. This whole situation is just so frusterating.

bipolar planet

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Cheri's Masterpiece!

2008-04-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have been watching my new friend Cheri's art unfold before my eyes and am inspired by her creativity. Noting all of the emotions that lay quiet behind the scenes of each masterpiece. Every person who creates has the same thoughts, feelings and emotions it is dripped in each and every brush stroke, camera flicker and musical cord. It is interesting to have not only been witness to the art unfolding but also have the opportunity to experience the words that go with the painting. Words belonging to the artest. Words that are so familiar, similar emotions, insecurities, triumps that play in my head with each artistic quest I venture on.

All artests start with a vision, wether it be a vision created by nature, humans, interactions or emotions , as that vision comes together like pieces of a puzzle our emotions begin emerging. Wether it be tragity, love, annoyance, anger, frusteration or any other number of emotions it is all there quietly behind the brush strokes.

Take the picture at the top of my blog for instance. That photo came from a place deep inside of me. The whole series I took that day were all borne of the same emotion. All in black and white, all solitary images, something physical standing on its own. I was in a place in my life where I felt all alone. Solitary in my space. The feeling of being all alone in a room full of people, of being the only person on earth however surrounded.

This is one of the other pictures taken on the same beach on the same day. The interesting thing about art is people will see the same image, interperate the same song etc in all kinds of different ways depending on what their innermost emotions are for the day. When I look at these pictures I am flooded with that feeling of solidarity, emptiness all alone in the world. I am transported to a place within me that feels like no one else in the world feels like I do. But I have had others interperet these pictures as calm, quiet and contentment. I havent had the opportunity to go out with my camera in a while, perhaps because my life has been changing, or I just havent made the time, I lack the motivation at this moment. What I do know is when I pick the camera up and begin shooting the images you will all see will be a reflection of me. Perhaps this is why artests are always so critical of their work. It is like putting your soul on the canvis or on photo paper or to musical notes, you are there naked for everyone to see. You stand back and see all your many flaws and you are sure everyone else can see them too.

As Cheri says in her last post "there are so many changes I want to make.... it is out of my hands now..." What a metaphor for life... With every step taken, action and every word said we analize it. Pick it apart, disect it, Shoulda, woulda, coulda, its out of our hands now. To stand back at our lives our art, ourselves and be mindful that every person is going to interperit it as they see themselves. To know that when you are standing there naked for all the world to see, the eyes staring in your direction can only see themselves. And that is out of our hands.

Cheri, Thank you so much for sharing your art and emotion, for standing naked. For allowing me into your world of art and thus the world of Cheri. Your visions are amazing, I am proud of your accomplishment and your dedication to sharing that accomplishment with me.

bipolar planet

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Some of my favorite pictures

2008-04-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

For those that don't know photography is one of my passions. It is one of the things that makes me escape the real world. I can loose myself in all of the beautiful sights this world has to offer. I see everything through a lens. Everything I see I am thinking how I could take a picture of it, what angle, what lighting, what kind of foreground or background would make it a great shot.
The following pictures are some of my favorites. I hope you like looking at them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

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The Elora Gorge

2008-04-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

When my partner and I first started going camping together the Elora Gorge was our destination of choice.. Years ago the Elora Gorge was a quaint little camping spot with some great sites (If you know where to look) We were lucky enough to share a seasonal site with some friends who only wanted to use it for the first half of the season so the second half was all ours. It is a private site tucked in against the gorge featuring its own waterfall. In the spring the frogs mating calls are intoxicating. A cacophony of sound breaking the early season silence of the night. We had so many wonderful memories on this site. Private moments shared just the two of us as well as many wonderful times with our friends and family.

In the past few years Elora lost its battle against the building of a race track and the rising commercialism in the area has slowly taken away the charm of this little town. During the high season where there was the quiet wisper of wind through the tree tops and song birds high above singing down on our love, is replaced by the roar of car engines and a plethera of teenagers excited screams as they embark on their funfilled afternoon of tubing on the Grand. The privacy of our little gem of a site made public by a hiking trail that winds along the edge of the gorge and right through our site. The drive that once seperated our sanctuary from the road above made way to cyclists looking for a path.

My partner and I made a decision while relaxing infront of our roaring late April camp fire. We will make Elora our first camping trip of the season and our last. Avoiding the high season rush all while tricking us into believing the place we once called our summer getaway remains untouched by the "Man". A brand new tradition born. One time in April and again in October, when it is too cold for the average Joe to brave a night out in nature without a heated trailor you will find us, enjoying our quiet little oasis. If you find yourself there in April take a moment after the sun has set to turn your ears to the pond and allow yourself to be taken away on the sounds of the bull frogs creating the next seasons songsters. Likewise in October lay back eyes to the sky and be witness to the birds flocking by the thousands as they begin their travel south.

Last night was a wonderful evening filled with love. I had a feeling of being transported back in time if only fleeting, back to a time when Bipolar disorder had not shown its ugly face. Back when we were young and carefree, when the idea of difficult times seemed so unlikely, when we thought the world could never get us. Oh how nice it is to visit that place, mindful that we are not to stay in that place. The lessons we have learned along the way are priceless. This is for our journey through life, as the roads wind let us wind with them without hesitation. Always being mindful to let be what is, be.

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All about me

2008-04-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

1. My heart is on my sleve
2. What you see is what you get
3. I can be emotional
4. I stuff my feelings alot
5. I am artistic
6. I am good with my hands
7. If you dream it up I can build it
8. I love photography
9. I want a digital SLR camera
10. I love nature
11. I would live in a secluded cabin in the woods
12. I am a people pleaser
13. I love ice cream
14. I eat too much junk
15. I miss my family
16. I love my partner unconditionally
17. I don't want any children
18. I dream of winning the lottery and building my dream home
19. I drive a Malibu
20. I want to get a motorcycle
21. I love camping
22. I wish I had vacation time this summer
23. I love my dog!
24. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day
25. I enjoy east indian food
26. I daydream about laying in a hamic all day reading
27. I wish I was thin
28. I am hard on myself
29. I miss my siblings
30. I like to make others laugh
31. I like my new job
32. I hate shopping
33. I am a casual dresser
34. I look like I am in drag in a dress
35. I cant walk on heels
36. I like to do things for others
37. I love to see my partner smile
38. I love to hear children laugh
39. I love a clean home but can't seem to find the time to keep mine clean
40. I like hot baths with a book
41. I like my back touched
42. I am growing my hair back
43. Others opinions matter to me
44. I have 3 tattoos
45. I want another one
46. I like to draw and paint
47. I do too much for others and not enough for myself
48. I sometimes feel like I don't matter
49. I dont like others telling me how to live my life
50. I wish I could make a career out of my photography
51. I want to go back to school
52. I want to live close to algonquin park
53. I could spend all day in Home Depot
54. My next project is to build a bed frame
55. I wish I had power tools and a place to put them
56. I love photoshop
57. I could play with my photographs all day
58. I would like to dress better
59. I love candles
60. I feel good when I meditate with my partner
61. I wish I had a larger vocabulary
62. I love the ocean
63. I like motorized toys
64. I love hiking
65. I love making love in the woods
66. I love star gazing with my girl
67. I wish I could go to Australia
68. I want to visit Africa
69. And India
70. I am afraid of bears
71. I think the grizzly man was nuts
72. I like silly movies
73. I like the internet
74. I am embarrased to say I keep in touch with my friends through facebook
75. I smoke
76. I want to quit
77. I want a new car
78. I would spend a small fortune in Mountain Equiptment Co-op
79. I wish I was more attractive
80. I love my niece and nephue
81. I love I can send them home at the end of the day
82. I love summer
83. And hate winter
84. A secluded cabin in the woods close to the ocean would be nice
85. I am a dreamer
86. I am sensitive
87. I want to help everyone
88. I rairly help myself
89. I feel love deeply
90. I am a nester
91. I want to spend my life with my partner
92. I want to cure mental illness
93. I want 3 wishes
94. I wish I could help my mother
95. I think my dog needs downers
96. I wish my neighbours would mind their own busness
97. I like waking up to kisses
98. I like going to bed with kisses
99. I have curly, unruly hair
100. I love Shannon

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Bipolar Disorder and Partnership

2008-04-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.

Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.

bipolar planet

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Inspiration to exhaustion

2008-04-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well weeks have passed since I have had the time to post. We have been in the throws of our renovations. Every spare moment has been spent on our renovations. The meditation room is now complete. My partner now has a space of her own, a place to do her mental health homework and meditations in a peaceful, quiet, inspirational space. I am so happy to finally be able to offer her that space. We also desided that we would give our whole home a facelift, it was in desperate need of paint and minimalization.
Weeks later the painting is almost complete, one more coat in the hallway and painting has come to an end. Thank God, I have been rolling on walls for what now seems an eternity! The good news is the house is now coming together, it is starting to look like a home and less like a place of transition. Our kitchen is now a beautiful bright Corral, complimented by black and white pictures I took in Cuba and a paddle framing photos taken while kyacking in Algonquin. The hallway and meditation room is a stunning burned orange color called Grounded. The plan for the hallway is for me to paint mother nature tree on the wall and put pictures of our friends and family in the branches. The kitchen is a nice mulled wine and really brightens and warms the kitchen. Finally the living room is a nice bright shade of sunshine, we have complimented the color with natural twig frames and a beautiful bamboo carpet.
There is still so much more that needs to be done but I can finally see the light at the end of the renovations. My partners moods have been steadily improving over the past few weeks, these 4 walls that she has been stuck in within her illness now have a bright, airy comforting feeling, our home is coming together, we are coming toghther, life is moving in the right direction right now. I hope it continues in this direction.

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Insperation

2008-03-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

The visit to her friends house a few nights ago has really inspired my partner. Finally a healthy friend in her ife that has offered her positive inspiration. This new friend is very new age, yoga instructer, in touch with your inner self kind of person. Her home is apparently very, zen. My partner came home with a bunch of ideas and motivation to improve upon our cluttered paintless feelingless home. We have lived in the same appartment for seven years and have yet to paint or do any kind of "improvements" with the exception of our bedroom. The walls are hidious to be nice about it. The primer the building so generously put up on the walls has not withstood the test of time. For the past week my partner and I have been studying paint chips and have finally come to decisions about what color each room will be painted.
As well my partner has always wanted and I have always wanted to provide her with a "space" of her own. A place that she can meditate, read and just spend some alone time. The trouble was we could just not see how that would be possible. We do not have a spare room to speak of. What inspired her while at her new friends house was that you can take a space in your home no matter the size and create a space. So in having that inspiration we are in construction of a meditation space for my partner. Finally she can have her own meditation room. She has spent countless hours this week painting and planning the area. From my perspective it is so nice to see her motivated to get something done. The walls are painted in a stunning color (Grounded) and I can see in my minds eye how the area is going to not only be a nice relaxing room for her but also tie beautifully into our living space. We are going to build a "wall" screen out of chain link fence posts and beautiful fabric to seperate the space from our living area. That is the part I am allowed to construct. I am so excited to be able to add to the project. Its been a good week. I will post pictures of the space when it is completed.

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Triggers.

2008-03-23T04:35:00.000-07:00

When my partner first began this journey through bipolar 3 years ago the term Trigger rairely came up in our household. We definately experienced triggers, howerver, did not recognize them as such. I thought of them as reactions. (You say or do this... this is how I react) in our home now we have plenty of discussions about triggers. We recognize them, analize them, discuss them all with the hopes of overcoming them. (you say or do this... I am triggered in this way... here is my reaction... how can we change this reaction knowing what the trigger was?) As they say knowledge is power. I think a lot of people use the idea that knowledge is power in terms of education and getting that high paying coorperate job. I see it as a tool to make coping in this world an easier feat. Knowing what your triggers are and tracing them back to a core belief has opened up windows for us. Both of us. Triggers are not something that mentally ill people experience they are experienced by everyone. Perhaps this should be a course in highschool. I think this knowledge can do the world such good. If I had, had this knowledge a decade ago I could have recognized triggers along the way. In the times in my adult life where I was triggered and just reacted blindly (without the knowledge that my reaction is based on a strong core belief about myself) I could have taken a step back and said to myself i am reacting this way because I was triggered by this belief.... Our new knowledge has opened up all kinds of windows and doors of communication. I now know more about my partner and she about me. I know things that trigger her and she knows things that trigger me and we can talk about them. Don't get me wrong we still trigger eachother, but now there is a better understanding of why we react in the ways we do and we can have a mature discussion about it without the fights.
Uncovering your core beliefs is a painful process, coming to the understanding of why you react to certain triggers and what is says about how you feel about yourself is no easy thing. However necessary.
For those who have to date been unaware of this process I will share what my partner has learned and passed the knowledge on to me.

Take a situation that has triggered you and break it down as such,
(example)
Situation:
Your inlaws came over and yelled at you because your house is a mess.

Thoughts:
How dare you come into my home and yell at me. Who do you think you are? etc...

Phycical reaction:
Heart races, face goes red, shaking, headache, etc...

Behaviour:
Start cleaning up, make up excuses for the current state of my home, appoligize, rationalize etc...

What is the core belief that makes this cycle happen:
The believe that other people are more important than you are.

What can be done differently in this situation:
We can understand that we dont have to have excuses. We can say that this is what it is and if they dont like what they see they dont have to stay. We can tell them to call before they come over and tell them today is not a good day for a visit. Etc...

I have learned that core beliefs create nasty cycles that can be worked on and changed. For me a big one is the idea that others needs and feelings are more important than mine, this makes me a yes girl. I have been known to put my needs on the back burner to take care of others needs and wants. All the while experiencing resentment. This knowledge has given me the strength to stop when someone asks me for something and think first, is saying yes to this going to interfear with my own needs and wants before I say yes to it. I am working on claiming back my own self worth. Its not easy its a process and takes a lot of practice, but the process is worth the outcome.

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Regaining Trust

2008-03-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

As we all know bipolar people in their illness have a knack for breaking the trust of their loved ones. For some it is the reckless spending of money, for others it is suicide attempts and for some it is sexual in nature or all of the above. Once that trust has been broken the question becomes what does one do with that information? How do you cope? How do you grieve? How do you regain that trust?
They are all good questions, questions to which I do not have the answers. All that I can say it is a process. One which if you choose to travel through and stand by your partners side as I have chosen you must stick your neck out and have faith that, that trust wont be broken again. As well you have to be prepared for the eventuallity that it may. An easy task?? I say nay. However a necessary one.
Why this issue? Why now? Because on the cusp of eliminating TC from our lives and recovering from infadelity with another woman my partner has developed a new friendship. We spent some time talking about the infedelity and TC the other night in relation to this new friendship and my partner has an understandable fear of getting close with people. Essentially she must now learn to trust herself. She must learn to trust that she is capable of having platonic relationships with people that are normal and healty. At the same time putting my own neck out there and putting faith in her ability to develop healthy relationships with people that will not threaten our relationship. Regardless of the trust that has been broken and still in the process of mending I have to throw caution to the wind and put my trust in her in order for her to put that trust back in herself.
So tonight my partner is at her new friends house drinking meditation tea and chatting and I have to trust that is what it really happening. Does the whole concept of what could happen upset me? Sure, but I am coming to reolize that it is my own imagination that is my worst enemy. I can sit here for the next few hours crying about the possibility or I can sit here thinking about how much faith I have in her. Her recovery is going well and she has worked tirelessly on herself, so at this point I have nothing to fear but the fear itself ( I know cleche but it works) So while she is out tonight I am going to complete this post, I am going to drink my hot chocolate and enjoy having the house to myself for a few hours and I am going to trust that this friendship is going to be a positive, healthy, platonic relationship. Because I love her and I value our relationship, there is no relationship without trust and trust we will regain and be stronger for it.

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My love is like a well that never runs dry

2008-03-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

I find it rather amazing that the more people with bipolar disorder I speak with the more I hear how this illness has robbed them of their self worth. I have heard a number of people suffering with bipolar express their lack of understanding as to why their partners are still with them. As a partner I am dedicated, faithful, loving and attentive. I simply care deeply for my partner. She has expressed on a number of occasions her confusion on why I stick around and put up with everything that comes with her and this illness. That same sentiment has been expressed by each bipolar person I have conversed with that has a loving, caring partner. Why? It becomes more and more clear to me as I speak to more people with this illness what it is doing to each persons self esteem.
I will not claim to be an expert on bipolar disorder, I have not read any textbooks or studied the illness I can only speak from a place of experience and that is only my experience as a partner of a person suffering with this illness. I don't know about anyone else but I can say from my experience that my partner and I had 7 years of history before this illness reared its ugly head. 7 solid years without this monkey on my partners back. In those 7 years my partner and I became extreamly close, we shared everything, we had trust and respect but most of all an unshakable love. Perhaps if this illness would have presented itself in the first year of our relationship and put my love through the tests it has in the past 3 years then, I would have gone running for the hills. As I sit here today writing this, I can attest to having been tested in all ways possible since this illness has become a part of our lives. But the key is it is our lives, not my partners, because we have a life, together. Therefore, when she is suffering I am suffering, when she hurts I hurt. We have a partnership, and my love spans beyond the difficulties. In the most difficult of times I hold onto the good times, I remember that this time will pass and there will be good times again. I have come to a place of acceptance that the good times may be fleeting but they will present.
I also have a great deal of respect for my partner. She has been working so hard to learn the tools she will need to manage this illness. She was able to put her ego aside and ask for the help that she needs (which in itself is so hard to do) She has taken a proactive roll in her recovery. How can your love not grow when you know how much of a struggle it is just to keep going let alone drag yourself out to mental health meetings and groups and theropy and psycholigists etc... I love her more and more each day because she is trying. It is because she is working so hard that I stand firm beside her and make sure in the most difficult of times for her that she is fed and safe. I am also aware that for whatever suffering this process brings me through it is amplified for her and she would never do this to me on purpose. I know that if she could go back to how she was in the first 7 years of our relationship she would. I also know that in the times that she has wanted to end her life although with twisted logic she was thinking it would be better for me, if she was not around. This of course is not the case if she did end her life I would be terribly hurt, I am not sure that I would ever recover from something like that, and my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
So why to I stick around? I stick around because I care, I love her regardless of wether she can recipricate that feeling, regardless of what this illness throws our way, my love is unconditional. In my eyes my partner is worth all of it. She is funny, smart, exciting, loving, caring, beautiful, kind and strong. I know that all her qualities are there even if at the peaks of this illness she can not express them, they are there. They are there and I am here, when she gets back from chasing rainbows or crawls out of the sub basement of hell I will still be here.

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Devine Intervention

2008-03-19T03:54:00.000-07:00

Near the beginning of our relationship we were givin the wonderful little dog you see above. His name is Scoop (lovingly called Scoopy) he belonged to my uncle who desided one day he would like a more manly dog and offered up this little gem to us. If you are looking repeatedly at the picture trying to figure out exactly what that is, he was a Chinese Crested Hairless dog and the kindest, sweetest most lovable dogs you would ever want to meet. My partner was all about this dog, they spent all their time together, at any moment you could catch them curled up somewhere together. About two years ago in the height of my partners illness Scoop also became ill. He was the runt of his litter and his life expectancy was 8-10 years. At this point he was over 10 years old and had become blind, he also developed a bad cold. We did for his cold what we had done for his whole life, vicks on his little chest and vitamin C, only the cold got worse and worse. He was so congested that breathing was hard, he was lathargic etc. The vet advised us to put him down stating he was past his life expectancy and if we did spend the obscene amount of money to cure his current illness, he was already blind and he would surely become sick again. So we sat down and made the most difficult decision we had ever made as a couple, to put down this little guy who was so much a part of our family.

It was so painful to have to make that decision that we desided we would not get another dog, for neither of us wanted to go through that again. As time passed we longed more and more for a four legged little friend to meet us at the door. but most importantly for my partner to have some company while I was away at work. It had been difficult for her 8 or more hours a day alone in our home with her toughts and bipolar disorder distorting those thoughts into often painful ideas. She needed something that could distract her thoughts, something that would force her off the couch and out into the world. So one day I suggested we go to the Humaine Society and see if there is a dog there for us. With excitement and apprehension in her eyes we hopped in the car and took the trip to the Humaine Society where she fell in love with this little white dog sporting a bandana around his neck. We enquired about this dog and were told that we would have to wait until the following monday because he was a stray and they allow a certain amount of time for the rightful owners to claim the dog. My partner was devistated, she didnt want to look at anymore dogs she just wanted that one. So we handed in our application and went home. She was convinced that they just didnt want to give us the dog and it would be gone by Monday, she was so upset. So the next day Sunday I desided I would return to the Humaine Society first to see if my partners little dog was still there. I was determined not to leave that place without a new pet for my partner. I would not come home empty handed. Upon arrival I discovered my partner was right. They had adopted the dog she wanted to someone else the day before. Now I was on a mission. I must have walked around that place 100 times. If I had to go to 30 different shelters I would not be going home empty handed! I was looking hard trying to avoid the agressive dogs, the yappy dogs, the sick dogs etc. As I was making my final pass i came across this beautiful pup. He didnt yet have any papers or name he was just Male LabX. I fell in love he looked so happy, he was licking me through the bars of his pen tail wagging like crazy. So I jumped up and went (this time to find the guy who runs the place) anyone other than the guy who had not helped us the day before. I found Will (guy in charge) I dragged him over to the cage of the puppy I so desperately wanted to take home. He explained to me that puppies had to have a certain amount of adoption requests and the pup I wanted was not up for adoption yet as he had not been given any paperwork yet. Like a switch I turned on the charm. I explained to Will that my partner and I are very active people, we do a lot of hiking and camping and backpacking. We are always outdoors and this little puppy would be the perfect addition to our family. I had prepared our vet information and assured him this would not be our first dog. Will became entranced by our conversation about the outdoors and agreed that we would be a great fit for this dog in front of us. He said to me with a wink that he would need to get a few more adoption requests for this pup during the day, to go home and expect a (wink) phone call from him telling us to come pick up our new puppy in a little bit. I flew home. So excited to tell my partner that I had found the perfect pup. We sat outside on the swing and talked about this handsome little guy. He was all black with a white bib on his chest. My partner was getting excited despite herself. After the previous days disapointment she did not want to get her hopes too high, but I could see in her eyes she was waiting for the phone to ring. And it did!

Meet Marley! He has been a godsend to our home and especially to my partner wether this illness has her curled up on the couch just wanting to end it all or in a hypomanic state this dog is right by her side. He licks her out of bed in the morning and forces her off the couch if she is down they have clocked many miles on the hiking trails together and he has offered her comfort and company in the times I am away from home. He has also given me the security that she is not alone. He is sweet and kind and lovable, if not a little poorly behaved. For my partner having a pet has probably saved her life on more than one occasion and he will forever have my love, respect and gratitude. I love them both more than life itself and it brings me great happiness to see them together.

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What brings your bipolar partner peace?

2008-03-17T03:31:00.000-07:00

For mine it is the outdoors. Just the thought of hiking in Algonquin park will bring a smile to my partners face. When she is down in the dumps and is not talking I like to talk about our backpacking trip last year. The sound of loons calling across the lake, the song birds singing above our heads high in the trees, the beautiful trees towering above us in all directions. This conversation seems to be able to pull her out of her own mind if only for a moment.

The camping season is almost upon us and already she is planning a weekend in April. The weather will be cold but my girls heart will be warm. the song birds will be out and the frogs will bee singing their mating songs. We will sit in front of a roaring fire to warm ourselves and retire to the warmth of plenty of blankets sfter the sun has set on the day. This is the on e place she is truly free. The one place she feels connected and at peace. If I could I would move us deep into the wilderness, build us a cabin and learn to live off the land. If I could I would take all her pain and worry,her anxiousness and this terrible illness she is forced to deal with on a regular basis away and allow her to live happy in the place she is so desperatly in love with. I wish I could do this for her. Unfortunately the real world calls and the reality is that even escaping into the wildreness costs money and she would still need her meds, we would need building supplies etc... Until we can figure out how to make that dream a reality, we will plan weekends away and take the dose of natures beauty to get us through to the next time.

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My Brave Warrior

2008-03-07T03:30:00.000-08:00

In conclusion to my last post I would like to recognize my partners strength. She truly is inspiring. This transition has been a difficult one for her. TC is tied up in all kinds of feelings and memories of mania. Those feelings are intense, and the memories are of fun and elation, taking risks going out on a limb. Everyday my partner seems to get better and stronger. For her to end this friendship in the midst of her recovery processs took some serious courage. Courage I have to stop and recognize her for. This is one of the reasons I love her so much, her strength. No matter what life has thrown at her (and life in a lot of instances has fed her shit sandwiches) she always comes through fighting. She is a true survivor. I will forever be grateful to have had her in my life. I dont know what the future holds but what I do know that if she continues to fight for her life I will hold the fight for our relationship. I love this girl too much to not show the same courage and fight ofr our relationship as she has shown throughout her life and this illness.

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The End of an Era

2008-03-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I made one of the worst decisions I could have made for my partner and I and have spent the last 3 years dealing with the reprocussions of that decision. About 6 years ago the store I was working for got a new manager, in walked this beautiful woman who looked to be in her late 20's, for the first few days with this new manager everything was going well. Then the hammer came down and for the next two years I was abused on a regular basis, it didnt matter how hard I worked or how many hours of my own time I dedicated to this place of business, it was never good enough. One night after night after night of 12+ hour shifts I came in tired and warn down to a note. The tone of the note was mean spirited and accusitory, I lost it, I reacted violently punching out the window to my office and walking out. Something that I am certainly not proud of but I was broken. I just could not take it anymore. I was neglecting my family and friends, I wasnt getting enough sleep and never did anyone utter the words thank you. I took a week stress leave and made an appointment with the regional manager to talk about this situation. He encouraged me during that meeting to go and see my boss and talk things out, he told me that she had saved my job and I owed her the meeting. So off I went to meet with the person who had tipped me off the edge. I was young and stupid and needed her acceptance, I needed to know that I was appreciated. I now know in busness you are always replacable, essentially just a number and not to expect any different. So the meeting went well and she gave me what I needed to hear. Suddenly this woman was my bestfriend. Inviting me for breakfast, after work drinks etc. I fell into the web of distruction. She was feeding my need to be accepted. I was in her hook. If she said jump I would reply how high. This was never more evidant than when she had been transfered to a different location and I felt the need to look for alternate employment. I was offered a job as a supervisor in a wearhouse and offered a yearly salary of $60,000 which I promptly turned down because my old boss called me on the same day and told me she needed my help at her new location. (making half of what I was offered from the wearhouse) Without a second thought I turned down the new position and accepted the transfer offer. Why did I make this decision? Because I felt I owed my boss something. I had gotten used to our new dynamic and I was reacting to her prompt. She said jump, my reply how high.
It was about this time that I desided it would be a good time to introduce my boss to my partner. In my head thinking it would be nice to go for drinks with both of them, not to mention that my boss was an experienced world traveler and we were planning a trip. I thought it would be fun for us all to go together. Off we all trotted to our caribbian destination, and my decision to introduce my partner and my boss and arrange a trip like this all together was clear was not a great decision. From the first night the sparks flew between them. It was like watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my eyes. All my romantic notions of what this caribbian vacation would be went out the window in the first night. I will spare the details besides to say they were inseperable for the whole week, I could not get a moment alone with my partner for the entire vacation. On return from the vacation my partner and boss carried on their new freindship and my partner in her manic state became obsessed with another trip. One which we could not afford. She was determined to go so I sent her and my boss accompinied her. Two weeks after their return my partner and I broke up. She told me that things just were not working between us anymore and we needed to move on and I was heartbroken. She confided in some friends a few weeks later that she was in love with my boss. When I confronted her on the issue she was obviously mad our friend had betrayed her trust but I was happy that I finally had the answer I was looking for. My partner denied that she was in love with my boss replacing love with infatuation and feelings for. But I could see the trouth. After time my partner and I desided to get back together, and all was good. My partner recognized that what she felt for my boss was not real and could never be.
However, she made the decision to remain friends with my boss. Which at first didnt bother me. On occasion we would all go out for drinks, or my boss would come over and we would have drinks. It always ended in some kind of argument with my partner and I. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not allow my insecurities to get in the middle of it all. But I love my partner so much and it breaks me up inside to think of this intense emotional connection she is sharing with another woman. I found myself analizing everything that was said and done during those visits. I could not just relax and have a good time. One night we went out and had dinner and went to a club after,when we got back to (now my old boss) house, she was sick having not eaten enough and drunk too much. My partner the nurturing and caring person she is desided to tuck my boss into bed for the night and we were going to sleep on the couches in the living room. So upstairs they went, and an hour went by then two and my partner had still not returned from tucking in my boss. My imagination went wild. I sat on the couch for the longest time with all of these horrific ideas pouring into my head and never working up the courage to go up and see what was going on. Finally after two and a half hours passed I got up the courage to face what could have been very painful for me and check on them. What I saw when I got to the top of the stairs was the two of them passed out, both fully dressed in what had been worn out that evening and just passed out drunk. Relief washed over me, and I returned to my spot on the couch, about an hour later my partner came downstairs asking me why I didnt come up and wake her up and appoligizing for falling asleep.
I feel so guilty in this whole ordeal. I am ashamed of myself for not placing more trust in my partner. It is just that when this woman is around I feel like the third wheel on my own relationship. Maybe those feelings are unjustified, maybe I have no right to feel angry or insecure or wishing it would all just end. Maybe i have put my partner in a position where she can not put up with the emotional wreck I become as a result of this womans presance in our lives. Maybe i am to blame. I know I am to blame. Yesterday my partner put an end to this friendship, and I came in and was instantly triggered. There was my partner sitting with the computer on her lap in tears over the end of this friendship and all this hurt came bubbling up inside of me. I felt like she was more emotional about ending this friendship with my old boss than she was when we broke up. My fears of her love for this woman even after years is not just love as you would love a friend but feelings of being in love. So here she is trying to do the right thing for herself and for us and I walk in and make her feel worse about it. I feel so bad, so guilty, like it is wrong of me to want so badly for this influence in our lives to be over, so we can get back the love and trust we once had, that I can make the whole process harder. It is hard for me to know that the woman I love and have dedicated my entire adult life too has such strong feelings for someone else. I feel selfish. I was never a jealous person, but my jealousy factor had never been tested before I introduced the friendship between these two explosive people. My jealousy brings me much guilt. I dont want to be that person. I never wanted the arguments or hard feelings, I never wanted the trust issues, I never wanted all of the crazy side effects of this womans influence on our lives. I just want a life with my partner. I love her with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am willing to stand by her to the end no matter what. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty about pressuring her to end this friendship, and I wish it was not so hard for her to do.

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Difficult Days.

2008-03-05T03:05:00.000-08:00

Its funny no matter where I am or what I am doing I can sence when something is just not right with my partner. I get this weird gut feeling when something is off which usually prompts me to call home. Perhaps it is because we have been together for 10 years or maybe we have tapped into some kind of psychic communication. Yesterday I was working a 12.5 hour shift at work and by lunch time I felt that something wasnt quite right, but there were so many people in the one room where there is a usable phone that I couldnt call home. So I spent the whole day secretly hoping my partner was safe. When I finnished work I rushed home to find my partner sat up in the lazy boy with the laptop on her lap crying. She had been there all day, fretting over an email and the end of a "friendship".

This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.

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About me

2008-03-01T04:50:00.000-08:00

Almost ten years ago at the tender age of 18 I met what was soon to be my life partner. Almost from day one we were inseperable, the kind of friendship that was easy. We never ran out of things to talk about or laugh about. Our life together began as though we were destined to spend it with eachother. Within a year of meeting we became a couple. I could tell you all about the years and years of marshmellow land and how wonderful our love was, but what I started this blog for was to offer and find support for our latest challenge. Bipolar disorder. About three years ago bipolar disorder took control of the roasting stick and burned our marshmellows. Now life has begun, we no longer have the option of taking eachother or our comfy little love filled lifes for granted.
My partner was diagnosed bipolar after a heartbreaking emotional breakdown. I could never describe how it feels to sit back helplessly as the one you love with every molicule of your being is in such pain and dispare. When all you want to do is pull that person into your arms kiss their forehead and make it all better, and you cant. It wont work. I was always aware that my partner was emotional. She held firm to her rights to feel her emotions and I never questioned that, secretly wishing I had the ability to be true to my emotions as well, but I was always taught not to rock the boat and emotions were a good way to get people sea sick.
There were a series of events that lead to my partners eventual diagnosis. Our bestfriend was killed in a car accident and my partner (with the knowledge we have now was mainc) went into saviour mode. Working hard at consoling all the grieving souls. Shortly after that she was laid off from a job she had been doing for 10 years throwing us into a world of financial uncertainty. After accepting a new job the hammer came down and all of a sudden she was an unconsolable mess on our living room sofa. Followed by a few months of what we now know is rapid cycling, that landed us in the local emergancy room. Ultimately leading us to a diagnosis and on the path to recovery. As I am sure you know the past few years have been filled with pain, suffering and heartache, but through it all (although bumps along the road) we are finding some peace within this emotional rollercoaster. Somehow we have managed to stick by eachother through the hard times.
I wanted to start this blog as an outlet for myself and others who are suffering along with a loved one in this illness, because as much as our loved ones are suffering so are we. We often get forgotten and lost in the dust cloud stirred up by this illness. I have found in my search very little to no resources for partners of bipolar people and just as a bipolar person needs support so do we. The majority of sites I have come across tell me little more than to run for the hills (an option I am not interested in) All I am looking for is people who are in the same boat and who can relate with the path life has led me down. People who understand what it is like to be in love with someone suffering with this illness. People who are willing to share their experiences and are learing along with their partners how to effectivly manage this disease.