Some of my favorite pictures

For those that don't know photography is one of my passions. It is one of the things that makes me escape the real world. I can loose myself in all of the beautiful sights this world has to offer. I see everything through a lens. Everything I see I am thinking how I could take a picture of it, what angle, what lighting, what kind of foreground or background would make it a great shot.
The following pictures are some of my favorites. I hope you like looking at them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

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The Elora Gorge

When my partner and I first started going camping together the Elora Gorge was our destination of choice.. Years ago the Elora Gorge was a quaint little camping spot with some great sites (If you know where to look) We were lucky enough to share a seasonal site with some friends who only wanted to use it for the first half of the season so the second half was all ours. It is a private site tucked in against the gorge featuring its own waterfall. In the spring the frogs mating calls are intoxicating. A cacophony of sound breaking the early season silence of the night. We had so many wonderful memories on this site. Private moments shared just the two of us as well as many wonderful times with our friends and family.

In the past few years Elora lost its battle against the building of a race track and the rising commercialism in the area has slowly taken away the charm of this little town. During the high season where there was the quiet wisper of wind through the tree tops and song birds high above singing down on our love, is replaced by the roar of car engines and a plethera of teenagers excited screams as they embark on their funfilled afternoon of tubing on the Grand. The privacy of our little gem of a site made public by a hiking trail that winds along the edge of the gorge and right through our site. The drive that once seperated our sanctuary from the road above made way to cyclists looking for a path.

My partner and I made a decision while relaxing infront of our roaring late April camp fire. We will make Elora our first camping trip of the season and our last. Avoiding the high season rush all while tricking us into believing the place we once called our summer getaway remains untouched by the "Man". A brand new tradition born. One time in April and again in October, when it is too cold for the average Joe to brave a night out in nature without a heated trailor you will find us, enjoying our quiet little oasis. If you find yourself there in April take a moment after the sun has set to turn your ears to the pond and allow yourself to be taken away on the sounds of the bull frogs creating the next seasons songsters. Likewise in October lay back eyes to the sky and be witness to the birds flocking by the thousands as they begin their travel south.

Last night was a wonderful evening filled with love. I had a feeling of being transported back in time if only fleeting, back to a time when Bipolar disorder had not shown its ugly face. Back when we were young and carefree, when the idea of difficult times seemed so unlikely, when we thought the world could never get us. Oh how nice it is to visit that place, mindful that we are not to stay in that place. The lessons we have learned along the way are priceless. This is for our journey through life, as the roads wind let us wind with them without hesitation. Always being mindful to let be what is, be.

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All about me

1. My heart is on my sleve
2. What you see is what you get
3. I can be emotional
4. I stuff my feelings alot
5. I am artistic
6. I am good with my hands
7. If you dream it up I can build it
8. I love photography
9. I want a digital SLR camera
10. I love nature
11. I would live in a secluded cabin in the woods
12. I am a people pleaser
13. I love ice cream
14. I eat too much junk
15. I miss my family
16. I love my partner unconditionally
17. I don't want any children
18. I dream of winning the lottery and building my dream home
19. I drive a Malibu
20. I want to get a motorcycle
21. I love camping
22. I wish I had vacation time this summer
23. I love my dog!
24. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day
25. I enjoy east indian food
26. I daydream about laying in a hamic all day reading
27. I wish I was thin
28. I am hard on myself
29. I miss my siblings
30. I like to make others laugh
31. I like my new job
32. I hate shopping
33. I am a casual dresser
34. I look like I am in drag in a dress
35. I cant walk on heels
36. I like to do things for others
37. I love to see my partner smile
38. I love to hear children laugh
39. I love a clean home but can't seem to find the time to keep mine clean
40. I like hot baths with a book
41. I like my back touched
42. I am growing my hair back
43. Others opinions matter to me
44. I have 3 tattoos
45. I want another one
46. I like to draw and paint
47. I do too much for others and not enough for myself
48. I sometimes feel like I don't matter
49. I dont like others telling me how to live my life
50. I wish I could make a career out of my photography
51. I want to go back to school
52. I want to live close to algonquin park
53. I could spend all day in Home Depot
54. My next project is to build a bed frame
55. I wish I had power tools and a place to put them
56. I love photoshop
57. I could play with my photographs all day
58. I would like to dress better
59. I love candles
60. I feel good when I meditate with my partner
61. I wish I had a larger vocabulary
62. I love the ocean
63. I like motorized toys
64. I love hiking
65. I love making love in the woods
66. I love star gazing with my girl
67. I wish I could go to Australia
68. I want to visit Africa
69. And India
70. I am afraid of bears
71. I think the grizzly man was nuts
72. I like silly movies
73. I like the internet
74. I am embarrased to say I keep in touch with my friends through facebook
75. I smoke
76. I want to quit
77. I want a new car
78. I would spend a small fortune in Mountain Equiptment Co-op
79. I wish I was more attractive
80. I love my niece and nephue
81. I love I can send them home at the end of the day
82. I love summer
83. And hate winter
84. A secluded cabin in the woods close to the ocean would be nice
85. I am a dreamer
86. I am sensitive
87. I want to help everyone
88. I rairly help myself
89. I feel love deeply
90. I am a nester
91. I want to spend my life with my partner
92. I want to cure mental illness
93. I want 3 wishes
94. I wish I could help my mother
95. I think my dog needs downers
96. I wish my neighbours would mind their own busness
97. I like waking up to kisses
98. I like going to bed with kisses
99. I have curly, unruly hair
100. I love Shannon

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Bipolar Disorder and Partnership

Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.

Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.

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Inspiration to exhaustion

Well weeks have passed since I have had the time to post. We have been in the throws of our renovations. Every spare moment has been spent on our renovations. The meditation room is now complete. My partner now has a space of her own, a place to do her mental health homework and meditations in a peaceful, quiet, inspirational space. I am so happy to finally be able to offer her that space. We also desided that we would give our whole home a facelift, it was in desperate need of paint and minimalization.
Weeks later the painting is almost complete, one more coat in the hallway and painting has come to an end. Thank God, I have been rolling on walls for what now seems an eternity! The good news is the house is now coming together, it is starting to look like a home and less like a place of transition. Our kitchen is now a beautiful bright Corral, complimented by black and white pictures I took in Cuba and a paddle framing photos taken while kyacking in Algonquin. The hallway and meditation room is a stunning burned orange color called Grounded. The plan for the hallway is for me to paint mother nature tree on the wall and put pictures of our friends and family in the branches. The kitchen is a nice mulled wine and really brightens and warms the kitchen. Finally the living room is a nice bright shade of sunshine, we have complimented the color with natural twig frames and a beautiful bamboo carpet.
There is still so much more that needs to be done but I can finally see the light at the end of the renovations. My partners moods have been steadily improving over the past few weeks, these 4 walls that she has been stuck in within her illness now have a bright, airy comforting feeling, our home is coming together, we are coming toghther, life is moving in the right direction right now. I hope it continues in this direction.

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Insperation

The visit to her friends house a few nights ago has really inspired my partner. Finally a healthy friend in her ife that has offered her positive inspiration. This new friend is very new age, yoga instructer, in touch with your inner self kind of person. Her home is apparently very, zen. My partner came home with a bunch of ideas and motivation to improve upon our cluttered paintless feelingless home. We have lived in the same appartment for seven years and have yet to paint or do any kind of "improvements" with the exception of our bedroom. The walls are hidious to be nice about it. The primer the building so generously put up on the walls has not withstood the test of time. For the past week my partner and I have been studying paint chips and have finally come to decisions about what color each room will be painted.
As well my partner has always wanted and I have always wanted to provide her with a "space" of her own. A place that she can meditate, read and just spend some alone time. The trouble was we could just not see how that would be possible. We do not have a spare room to speak of. What inspired her while at her new friends house was that you can take a space in your home no matter the size and create a space. So in having that inspiration we are in construction of a meditation space for my partner. Finally she can have her own meditation room. She has spent countless hours this week painting and planning the area. From my perspective it is so nice to see her motivated to get something done. The walls are painted in a stunning color (Grounded) and I can see in my minds eye how the area is going to not only be a nice relaxing room for her but also tie beautifully into our living space. We are going to build a "wall" screen out of chain link fence posts and beautiful fabric to seperate the space from our living area. That is the part I am allowed to construct. I am so excited to be able to add to the project. Its been a good week. I will post pictures of the space when it is completed.

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Triggers.

When my partner first began this journey through bipolar 3 years ago the term Trigger rairely came up in our household. We definately experienced triggers, howerver, did not recognize them as such. I thought of them as reactions. (You say or do this... this is how I react) in our home now we have plenty of discussions about triggers. We recognize them, analize them, discuss them all with the hopes of overcoming them. (you say or do this... I am triggered in this way... here is my reaction... how can we change this reaction knowing what the trigger was?) As they say knowledge is power. I think a lot of people use the idea that knowledge is power in terms of education and getting that high paying coorperate job. I see it as a tool to make coping in this world an easier feat. Knowing what your triggers are and tracing them back to a core belief has opened up windows for us. Both of us. Triggers are not something that mentally ill people experience they are experienced by everyone. Perhaps this should be a course in highschool. I think this knowledge can do the world such good. If I had, had this knowledge a decade ago I could have recognized triggers along the way. In the times in my adult life where I was triggered and just reacted blindly (without the knowledge that my reaction is based on a strong core belief about myself) I could have taken a step back and said to myself i am reacting this way because I was triggered by this belief.... Our new knowledge has opened up all kinds of windows and doors of communication. I now know more about my partner and she about me. I know things that trigger her and she knows things that trigger me and we can talk about them. Don't get me wrong we still trigger eachother, but now there is a better understanding of why we react in the ways we do and we can have a mature discussion about it without the fights.
Uncovering your core beliefs is a painful process, coming to the understanding of why you react to certain triggers and what is says about how you feel about yourself is no easy thing. However necessary.
For those who have to date been unaware of this process I will share what my partner has learned and passed the knowledge on to me.

Take a situation that has triggered you and break it down as such,
(example)
Situation:
Your inlaws came over and yelled at you because your house is a mess.

Thoughts:
How dare you come into my home and yell at me. Who do you think you are? etc...

Phycical reaction:
Heart races, face goes red, shaking, headache, etc...

Behaviour:
Start cleaning up, make up excuses for the current state of my home, appoligize, rationalize etc...

What is the core belief that makes this cycle happen:
The believe that other people are more important than you are.

What can be done differently in this situation:
We can understand that we dont have to have excuses. We can say that this is what it is and if they dont like what they see they dont have to stay. We can tell them to call before they come over and tell them today is not a good day for a visit. Etc...

I have learned that core beliefs create nasty cycles that can be worked on and changed. For me a big one is the idea that others needs and feelings are more important than mine, this makes me a yes girl. I have been known to put my needs on the back burner to take care of others needs and wants. All the while experiencing resentment. This knowledge has given me the strength to stop when someone asks me for something and think first, is saying yes to this going to interfear with my own needs and wants before I say yes to it. I am working on claiming back my own self worth. Its not easy its a process and takes a lot of practice, but the process is worth the outcome.

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