Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.
Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.
