Mania vs. Depression

Reciently my partner mentioned that her theropist thinks I like my partners mania's more than her depressions. Hmmm its an interesting thought, hypo mania maybe a little but full blown mania not so much. Personally I enjoy the balanced moments. Depression is terrible, the anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, tears. I definately do not enjoy depression, the commercials are right; depression hurts. But so does mania, for me anyway. My partner is in a state of exticy while experiencing mania, she wants to do things, go shopping, see people, she moves at a super human pace, but she also chases rainbows, spends too much, leaves me behind in her whirlwind. Hypo-mania however I can deal with. To me she is fun, she wants to do things with me, she wants to go camping, she laughs and talks and we have fun together, but I have watched this illness for a while now and I always know that a good hypo-manic phase if not monitored will jump right up into a full blown mania, then I have stuff to worry about... Usually there is a great fall into depression from mania.
Nature seems to be the great devide for my partner, besides a little bit of hypo mania bipolar seems to remain at the city limits anticipating our return from nature. In nature my partner seeks out a place to meditate, she finds a sence of purpose in setting up camp, building fire, cooking, hiking, gathering wood for fires etc... She seems happy there. the call of the loons bring her soul peace. The stars bright at night guide her way to tomorrow. The cleansing water washes away the depression. There are no cars, there is no rush, out in the wilderness it is all about survival, the basics of life, food, water, shelter. There is no interfearance, no pointless quests, no need for stores, wastefull gadgets, its what life is all about. Out in the wilderness you have quality time with your loved ones, you work as a team on a survival project and feel the accomplishment together as a real team. Not the made up ideals of teamwork within an office setting, but real team effort, and when you need to you can take a break, when you are complete you have real down time, you can hop in the lake for a swim, you can take a nap, you can lay in the sun. In the city when you finish work you get in your car, run your erronds, you go home cook the family dinner, do the dishes, clean up, by the time you get any down time it is bed time.
If I had the means I would find a beautiful lake somewhere away with lots of privacy and move there, make life simple again. Refocus on survival and forget about the rat race.

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Different Perspectives

One of the things that I love so much about blogging is the feedback. All that I am here, is an individual, like many others that are searching for some answers. We turn to the internet, we turn to other bloggers, we turn to eachother, and hope to make some sense out of this world, this life. I have spent the last three years living daily with Bipolar disorder. Day in and day out I have watched it eat away at my partner. It has ripped her from the life she had, has changed the way she thinks, reacts and carries out her days. The last post was not intended to simplify bipolar disorder down to the chemicals in our world. If you will, it was more a stab in the dark at a possible factor. I find myself on a constant mission to try and find possible solutions to HELP my partner's battle with this illness. It is an illness I feel helpless against.
greenishtinge said...

1. extreme moods have been documented since at least the time of Aristotle when the chemical lifestyle of today didn't exist. There are, throughout history, clusters of people who were considered bp or as having one type of mental afflication or another, hysteria, etc. I understand that you are weary of the rate at which people are being diagnosed with bp but as the DSM gradually includes more and more symptoms in its list of criteria more and more people are fitting the bill of being mentally ill. Also, be careful of your logic. Just because people eat more ice-cream in the summer and there are more drowning deaths in the summer doesn't mean that the increase in ice-cream consumption causes drowning.

2. Be careful. Sometimes people can take offense at their symptoms being whittled down to chemical products. They may feel that perhaps you are making their illness less legitimate. Remember that bp often runs in families and that many older generations, in spite of mental illness, did not believe or receive a diagnosis. If, for example, I was to take my own family history, there was a lot of mental illness types of incidents/behaviors but no one was ever diagnosed with anything, including my grandmother who attempted a murder/suicide and probably had what we would now call Aspergers syndrome. Just some of my thoughts.

I want to thank greenishtinge for her thoughts on this issue and for brining home how my words can trigger others that read them. I had not thought about the stigma associated with mental illness in the past, it is yet another lesson in the reliability of statistics. I hope that those who read my words on this site can keep in mind that I love my partner dearly and want to do whatever I can to help in anyway. I figured that eliminating some of the chemicals we are exposed to on a regular basis can't hurt. Which is why at the beginning of the last post I wrote that I didn't think it was advisable for anyone to read my words and decide to stop any medications. Even in talking about this more natural lifestyle with my partner I was sure to specify that she needed to remain on her medications. The trouth is I dont have any answers about this illness. I dont know what causes it and I dont know how to fix it. What I do know is the effects it has had on my partners life and the lives of those who love her. And all I want to do is help.
The conclusions I have come to in the past few years is that my partner finds peace in nature. Having a dog helps as well (he forces her off the couch and into the fresh air, wether or not she wants to). She does a little better when she eats properly and excercises regularily. Meditation is helpful, both with helping her sleep properly and with making her step out of the thinking planning mode that her mind loves and makes her live in the moment. I would do anything for my partner. I built her a meditaion room in our home so she would have a clean quiet area to practice her mediation. Its her space and her space alone. She can retreat to it whenever she wants or needs to. I try to get her out into nature as often as possible, even going as far as to look into a career change for me so we can move to a farm. I come home after working all day and make us dinner because I know she needs to eat and often does not unless I force her too. If I had the money I would move us into a cottage somewhere beautiful with trees and water and a lot of space for her to walk and hike. Just in the hope that a change in environment would ease the grip this illness has had on her life over the past few years. I hope anyone reading this blog will remember that anytihng I say or any ideas I have are all about trying to help my partner cope with this illness. I didnt think for one moment that changing to all natural cleaners and organic foods would cure her of this illness I just thought perhaps it would be helpful with some of her symptoms. Beyond that I do believe that it would be healthier overall to live a more natural lifestyle.
Thank you Greenishting for your thoughts and insites on what I had to say. It is nice to have other thoughs and perspectives on the ideas I have. Thank you as well for delivering those perspectives in the respectful manner in which you did. I appreciate that. I am not here to offend or diminish this illness or anyone suffering with it. I use this blog to document my thoughts and feelings on bipolar disorder and my partners battle with it. My love for her is pure and I strive to find ways to help, I dont think for one moment that I will cure anything. I am not a doctor nor do I have any solid science background, I just have love and respect. With that I arm myself and try to find ways to be helpful. I feel like it is not enough for me to be supportive and to be there for her both physically and emotionally, I feel like there has to be more I can do. Ways that I can change our environment to ease some of the symptoms she has, to try to create a space in which she can experience happiness and clarity. Alas I am helpless against this illness, perhaps one day I will accept that and just let what be, be what is.

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Our Chemical World

Before I start this post I want to first put out a warning. I do not in any way shape or form suggest anyone take what I am about to write in this post and use it as a reason to stop taking any medications perscribed by a medical professional. I do not want my words to be responcible for anyone making a decision that can harm their health and well being. The ideas that are about to come are nothing more than a girls thoughs on the effects of the world around us. Having said that if you are in a fragile state and angry or frusterated with the fact that you have to take medications I ask that you read no further.

Now that I have that out I want to talk about the current state of our surrounding environment. 50 years ago our world was a cleaner place, food was grown naturally, meat was grass or grain fed, the cleaning products were natural. My partner was looking at some statistics about bipolar disorder last week that got me thinking. The statistic that peaked my interest is that people in my age group are being diagnosed Bipolar at alarming rates. People of my parents generation are beginning to be diagnosed now as well. So why all of a sudden are people in their 30's being diagnosed and in their 50's? how did the people who are being diagnosed in their 50's get through the last 20 years without symptoms? Could it be this?

I started thinking about all of the changes humans have come through in the last 50 years. The one staggering thought is chemicals. Everything we eat, drink, wear, sleep on and clean with is infused with multiple chemicals. We are injesting, breathing and absorbing an alarming amount of chemicals just by getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast in the morning, not to mention the chemicals our bedding and the beds themselves are soaked in that we are sleeping on. My question is, is it possible that chemical sensitivities could be at least partially responsible for the influx in people showing symptoms of mental illness?

I started researching Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) an illness that is not yet recognized by medical professionals, mainly because there is not enough evidance to support the claim. Here are the symptoms listed for MCS:

-Headache

-Fatigue

-Dizziness

-Nausea

-Irritability

-Confusion
-Difficulty Concentrating

-Intolerance to heat or cold

-Earache

-Stuffy head or congestion

-Itching

-Sneezing

-Sore throat

-Memory Problems

-Breathing Problems

-Changes in heart rhythm

-Chest Pain

-Muscle Pain and/or stiffness

-Bloating or gas

-Diarrhea

-Skin Rash or Hives

-Mood Changes

This list blew me away! So many of the symptoms here reflect the symptoms my partner has complained about for years. I am not suggesting that my partner is not bipolar or that she should stop her meds, I just think that with the change in the frequency of which people of this age group are being diagnosed Bipolar coupled with the fact that nothing (and I do mean nothing) that we come in contact with daily, hourly or by the minute or second is free of chemicals. I am sitting here right now in a t-shirt and pajama pants thinking about the anti flamable chemicals my cloths were dipped in during manufacturing and the laundry detergent and fabric softner chemicals mixing and seeping into my body through my skin. My bare feet resting on the wood floors treated with chemicals, the air that I am breathing, tiny particals of chemicals that I have cleaned with I am inhaling with each breath. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in dish soap? There is nothing in dish soap that I can even pronounce. Or air freshener.. my god! I have known for a long time that man is killing the environment and creating a place unfit for the future of our children, now I know it is much more urgant than that. We are changing the chemical makeup of our bodies. Yours and mine. Everytime I put my hands in dish water I am absorbing about 10 different chemicals that are traveling directly into my blood stream. Wear rubber gloves to avoid that chemical transfer? What chemicals are the gloves treated in?

5o Years ago people cleaned with natural products, vinegar and water amongst others, we were not afraid of our cloths or bedding catching fire, cotton was what was worn, or food was grown in dirt, not in pesticides. Our animals fed grass and grains, not hormones and biproducts. My partner and I will be going through a pretty drastic lifestyle change in the coming weeks. I will be changing our hygene products to natural products, or cleaning products to chemical free cleaning products and the food we eat will be organic. I am even considering throwing the microwave in the garbage.... Who thought that cooking food in a device that DOES NOT HEAT UP was this great idea?

I am no professional, I do not know with any kind of solid proof that bipolar disorder has anything at all to do with our chemical world and am not suggesting in anyway that anyone including my partner discontinue use of perscribed medications. I can not conclude that MCS is responsible for any symptoms of bipolar, all that I am saying is in my house we will be changing to natural chemical free products for the good of both of our health. As well as the environment.

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5 Things

5 Things I Love
-My partner
-My puppy
-My family
-Summer
-The outdoors

5 things I always wanted to do

-Travel the world
-Make a career of my photography
-Build a home with my bare hands
-Live off the land
-Take pictures of a secluded waterfall in a far away place

5 of my favorite people

-My partner
-My mother in law
-My mother
-My siblings
-Me

5 things i like to do with my time

-Read
-Visual Arts
-Camp (be in nature)
-Be around good friends
-Enjoy a glass of wine with my girl

5 things I dislike

-Mental illness
-Liers
-Money
-Living in the city
-Dreams unreolized

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Depression

I don't know what is worse, depression or mania. Both have their major downfalls. Mania comes with excessive spending, arguments, insecurity etc. Yet depression makes me feel so helpless. When the world is so unfair and things just tumble downhill. It pains me that I dont have the words in me to make everything okay for my partner in her depressions. What is inside of me, all the love and patience is never enough. I can't spill my overflowing heart into hers to give her hope and ease that pain.

I know this too shall pass. Depressions have come and gone for her over and over in the past three years, but each one is like a fresh slice with the worlds sword. It sits shining in the corner, edge gleaming like it has been freshly sharpened and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And I am powerless against it. I want to whack it against a boulder a thousand times until I fall exhausted against the boulder with the dull sword chiming with each bounce off the floor beside me, never to be sharpened again. Alas there it sits shining and untouchable.

This week has been difficult for my partner, thus difficult for me. I want for my soft words and gentle caresses to sooth the pain I know I cant touch. I want my words to mean so much and make so much sence in my partners bipolar mind, that the depression would just fall aside, the usless blob of bull shit that it is. I want so badly to be able to make her well, to just hand to her in a beautifully gift wrapped package, confidance, happiness, clairity, stability and a life full of wonder. I am restricted to gentle words, caresses and all the love and patience that I have in my heart. I will pour my love relentlessly over her depression until enough drips through to bring a smile to her face and hope to her heart. Until then I shower my love with all my heart has to offer.

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CPP and their Liers Win Policies

Bipolar disorder has ripped apart my partners life and sence of self in so many ways I dont have time to name here. She was layed off from her job of 10 years almost 3 years ago and Bipolar moved in in its place. Since that time she has been working tirelessly on herself trying to come to a place of greater understanding of this illness that has taken control of her life. She made a brave attempt to work about two years ago and it resulted in a major emotional breakdown that led to a visit to our local crisis center.
With only my income we struggle financially. After paying bills and gassing my car there is little left for anything else. This financial struggle has not helped my partners emotional recovery, she feels an enormous amount of guilt. We have been trying for quite some time to get her financial assistance. We were told by Ontario disability that I make too much money (even though on my income alone we are below the poverty line) they said that she would have a better chance with CPP Disability because she contributed to it for over 10 years. So an application and multiple Dr's forms later, she was declined for CPP too. Why? Because she stated on her application that she had a goal of returning to work next year. Apparently she was not aware of how to play the CPP/ Gov't Assistance game. Rejected for having a goal, for being honest about that goal and for being honest throughout the whole ordeal. People wonder why Joe Blow down the street is on gov't assistance when there is nothing wrong with him, this is the honest answer. He knows how to lie and play the game. Yet people with mental illness and morals, now have to get a lawer and appeal the decision.
We teach our kids honesty is the best policy. Remeber to also teach them if they need anything from the gov't to lie through their teeth.

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Farm Girls!

On Saturday morning I went to a small town outside of Kitchener calls St. Claments, to pic my partner up. She had spent a few days in Grand Bend and came to St. Claments with her friends to their daughters farm for their anniversary party. We arrived at precicely the same moment (actually if trouth be told I would have been there about 5 minutes earlier but I missed the farm and went 5km in the wrong direction) We had decided the night before over the phone to stay at the farm overnight on Saturday.
Can I just say I love farm life? Okay I am saying it I love farm life! The farm is just a small hobby farm which is just perfect for me. They have two horses and some chickens so far. Other than that the farm is a beautiful 5 acres of property that is tree lined with a beautiful pond near the back. This property has a nice two bedroom farm house and a nice two bedroom appartment above the garage. My partner and I fell in love with the appartment. you go up a flight of stairs on the side of the garage to a small deck, as you enter the appartment the kitchen is on the left, it has an old table and chairs but what really caught our eye was the bench seat behind the table it curves in a L and seats 3 people along one side and the back of the table. Then you enter a door into the living room which is a large space that looks out over the property, off the living room there is another large room it looks like it may have been used as a dining room, I would probably take down the wall that seperates the two rooms and make it an open concept living/dining area perhaps put a bar in the space as well. the bedrooms are through another door. In the hallway there is a stairway that leads down to another room and out into the garage. The master bedroom is a fair size and has exposed slanted ceiling, this room looks out to the horses. The second bedroom is mall but still with the slanted ceiling and would make a great meditation room. The bathroom is well its a bathroom. When you go down the stairs you come out in a room that has a big fireplace against the wall there is also a wood burning stove in the room to heat the appartment in the winter. I would make this room very comfortable, I have always wanted a place with a fireplace. The wood burning stove is an added bonus!
So my partner and I are laying in the apartment Saturday night just revaling in how much we love it. It felt so much like home. It was so comfortable. Even the dog was comfortable. The apartment is definately a place I could see myself living.
In the morning I got to drive the tractor! I love the whole idea, having a nice quiet, private place to live. Helping out around the farm. Feeding horses and chickens, building different things on the farm. Our friends that owned the farm in the morning asked me how the appartment was, my reply. "you mean our appartment is was wonderful. I love it" She said we will talk... They are looking for someone to rent the appartment and well they just may have some takers if they can wait until January, and if I can find some way to make money out there. It is close to Kitchener so I dont think I would have too much of a problem.
In the mean time if they want to rent the place to us in the next year, there is so much that I would like to do. My head is swimming with the possibility.

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So Frusterating

Over six years ago my partner and I desided to move into a nice two bedroom appartment on the main floor of a beautiful building with my father. Suddenly after 6 years living here the management company that runs the building has desided it is high time they cause us some unnecessary greif.


Two weeks ago we recieved a notice in the mail that they have reason to believe that we have additional tenants residing within our unit not named on the lease and that we could expect to have a unit inspection within the next ten days. For me this is mearly a pain in the ass. I know we have nothing to hide, we have had the same three people living in our unit since our move in date. We rairly have guests in our home, and in the six years we have lived here have had only two overnight guests and both stayed for less than 3 consecutive days. So bring on your inspection. For my partner this is a catasrophy. She feels like she is under a microscope. She has been struggling with this since the day we recieved the notice. Why are they doing this to us? Why her? What did she do to deserve this? Who would want us out of here? We live on the main floor so we often keep our drapes closed for privacy, we dont bother other people in the building.

D-day has come and gone, the inspection was well... lets just say interesting. My partners fears and parinoia are at an all time high with this situation. The manager came in with two ladies to look around, on their way out the manager says to me," I know you have a colored lady living here". First, 1961 called they want their racism back! and Second, He knows nothing apparently because not only is there not a "colored" lady living here but there are no additional ladies or men living here at all! He then went on to say this lady is entering our unit nightly and sleeping here. The whole accusation is so absord I can't help but laugh! My partner on the other hand is spending all of her time worrying about this situation. She typed up a visitors log for anyone who enters out appartment to sign, including their name, race, the date, time in, time out and signature. We also put together a document for our neighbours to sign stating that they have not been witness to any additional people coming into or leaving our unit with a consistancy that would suggest residancy.
This morning my partner was walking our dog and the superintendant took the liberty of standing by our appartment door and staring at her. This was just one more trigger to add to the already tedious pile of triggers over the past few weeks. She feels intimidated, like she needs to prove everything that is being done. She is making a big deal, speaking loudly in the hallways to bid our guests adue at the end of their visits.

As far as i am concerned if they don't believe us they can do one of a few things they can park a lawn chair outside our door and sit there for the next few weeks months or however long it takes for them to reolize there are just the three of us here. or they can turn the security cameras to face our door and capture the three of us as we come and go from our unit. I will not be intimidated our of my home by some arrogant prick who thinks he is something special because he is the superintenant. We pay more than any other residants of this building for our appartment it doesnt even make good busness sence to try to get rid of us. Beyond that I am not new here, I know my rights as a tenant and I also know we have not violated any of the terms and conditions of our lease.

However, home is supposed to be your sanctuary from the world, a place to kick up your feet and relax. This whole situation is just so frusterating.

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Cheri's Masterpiece!

I have been watching my new friend Cheri's art unfold before my eyes and am inspired by her creativity. Noting all of the emotions that lay quiet behind the scenes of each masterpiece. Every person who creates has the same thoughts, feelings and emotions it is dripped in each and every brush stroke, camera flicker and musical cord. It is interesting to have not only been witness to the art unfolding but also have the opportunity to experience the words that go with the painting. Words belonging to the artest. Words that are so familiar, similar emotions, insecurities, triumps that play in my head with each artistic quest I venture on.

All artests start with a vision, wether it be a vision created by nature, humans, interactions or emotions , as that vision comes together like pieces of a puzzle our emotions begin emerging. Wether it be tragity, love, annoyance, anger, frusteration or any other number of emotions it is all there quietly behind the brush strokes.

Take the picture at the top of my blog for instance. That photo came from a place deep inside of me. The whole series I took that day were all borne of the same emotion. All in black and white, all solitary images, something physical standing on its own. I was in a place in my life where I felt all alone. Solitary in my space. The feeling of being all alone in a room full of people, of being the only person on earth however surrounded.

This is one of the other pictures taken on the same beach on the same day. The interesting thing about art is people will see the same image, interperate the same song etc in all kinds of different ways depending on what their innermost emotions are for the day. When I look at these pictures I am flooded with that feeling of solidarity, emptiness all alone in the world. I am transported to a place within me that feels like no one else in the world feels like I do. But I have had others interperet these pictures as calm, quiet and contentment. I havent had the opportunity to go out with my camera in a while, perhaps because my life has been changing, or I just havent made the time, I lack the motivation at this moment. What I do know is when I pick the camera up and begin shooting the images you will all see will be a reflection of me. Perhaps this is why artests are always so critical of their work. It is like putting your soul on the canvis or on photo paper or to musical notes, you are there naked for everyone to see. You stand back and see all your many flaws and you are sure everyone else can see them too.

As Cheri says in her last post "there are so many changes I want to make.... it is out of my hands now..." What a metaphor for life... With every step taken, action and every word said we analize it. Pick it apart, disect it, Shoulda, woulda, coulda, its out of our hands now. To stand back at our lives our art, ourselves and be mindful that every person is going to interperit it as they see themselves. To know that when you are standing there naked for all the world to see, the eyes staring in your direction can only see themselves. And that is out of our hands.

Cheri, Thank you so much for sharing your art and emotion, for standing naked. For allowing me into your world of art and thus the world of Cheri. Your visions are amazing, I am proud of your accomplishment and your dedication to sharing that accomplishment with me.

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The Elora Gorge

When my partner and I first started going camping together the Elora Gorge was our destination of choice.. Years ago the Elora Gorge was a quaint little camping spot with some great sites (If you know where to look) We were lucky enough to share a seasonal site with some friends who only wanted to use it for the first half of the season so the second half was all ours. It is a private site tucked in against the gorge featuring its own waterfall. In the spring the frogs mating calls are intoxicating. A cacophony of sound breaking the early season silence of the night. We had so many wonderful memories on this site. Private moments shared just the two of us as well as many wonderful times with our friends and family.

In the past few years Elora lost its battle against the building of a race track and the rising commercialism in the area has slowly taken away the charm of this little town. During the high season where there was the quiet wisper of wind through the tree tops and song birds high above singing down on our love, is replaced by the roar of car engines and a plethera of teenagers excited screams as they embark on their funfilled afternoon of tubing on the Grand. The privacy of our little gem of a site made public by a hiking trail that winds along the edge of the gorge and right through our site. The drive that once seperated our sanctuary from the road above made way to cyclists looking for a path.

My partner and I made a decision while relaxing infront of our roaring late April camp fire. We will make Elora our first camping trip of the season and our last. Avoiding the high season rush all while tricking us into believing the place we once called our summer getaway remains untouched by the "Man". A brand new tradition born. One time in April and again in October, when it is too cold for the average Joe to brave a night out in nature without a heated trailor you will find us, enjoying our quiet little oasis. If you find yourself there in April take a moment after the sun has set to turn your ears to the pond and allow yourself to be taken away on the sounds of the bull frogs creating the next seasons songsters. Likewise in October lay back eyes to the sky and be witness to the birds flocking by the thousands as they begin their travel south.

Last night was a wonderful evening filled with love. I had a feeling of being transported back in time if only fleeting, back to a time when Bipolar disorder had not shown its ugly face. Back when we were young and carefree, when the idea of difficult times seemed so unlikely, when we thought the world could never get us. Oh how nice it is to visit that place, mindful that we are not to stay in that place. The lessons we have learned along the way are priceless. This is for our journey through life, as the roads wind let us wind with them without hesitation. Always being mindful to let be what is, be.

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Bipolar Disorder and Partnership

Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.

Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.

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Inspiration to exhaustion

Well weeks have passed since I have had the time to post. We have been in the throws of our renovations. Every spare moment has been spent on our renovations. The meditation room is now complete. My partner now has a space of her own, a place to do her mental health homework and meditations in a peaceful, quiet, inspirational space. I am so happy to finally be able to offer her that space. We also desided that we would give our whole home a facelift, it was in desperate need of paint and minimalization.
Weeks later the painting is almost complete, one more coat in the hallway and painting has come to an end. Thank God, I have been rolling on walls for what now seems an eternity! The good news is the house is now coming together, it is starting to look like a home and less like a place of transition. Our kitchen is now a beautiful bright Corral, complimented by black and white pictures I took in Cuba and a paddle framing photos taken while kyacking in Algonquin. The hallway and meditation room is a stunning burned orange color called Grounded. The plan for the hallway is for me to paint mother nature tree on the wall and put pictures of our friends and family in the branches. The kitchen is a nice mulled wine and really brightens and warms the kitchen. Finally the living room is a nice bright shade of sunshine, we have complimented the color with natural twig frames and a beautiful bamboo carpet.
There is still so much more that needs to be done but I can finally see the light at the end of the renovations. My partners moods have been steadily improving over the past few weeks, these 4 walls that she has been stuck in within her illness now have a bright, airy comforting feeling, our home is coming together, we are coming toghther, life is moving in the right direction right now. I hope it continues in this direction.

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Devine Intervention

Near the beginning of our relationship we were givin the wonderful little dog you see above. His name is Scoop (lovingly called Scoopy) he belonged to my uncle who desided one day he would like a more manly dog and offered up this little gem to us. If you are looking repeatedly at the picture trying to figure out exactly what that is, he was a Chinese Crested Hairless dog and the kindest, sweetest most lovable dogs you would ever want to meet. My partner was all about this dog, they spent all their time together, at any moment you could catch them curled up somewhere together. About two years ago in the height of my partners illness Scoop also became ill. He was the runt of his litter and his life expectancy was 8-10 years. At this point he was over 10 years old and had become blind, he also developed a bad cold. We did for his cold what we had done for his whole life, vicks on his little chest and vitamin C, only the cold got worse and worse. He was so congested that breathing was hard, he was lathargic etc. The vet advised us to put him down stating he was past his life expectancy and if we did spend the obscene amount of money to cure his current illness, he was already blind and he would surely become sick again. So we sat down and made the most difficult decision we had ever made as a couple, to put down this little guy who was so much a part of our family.

It was so painful to have to make that decision that we desided we would not get another dog, for neither of us wanted to go through that again. As time passed we longed more and more for a four legged little friend to meet us at the door. but most importantly for my partner to have some company while I was away at work. It had been difficult for her 8 or more hours a day alone in our home with her toughts and bipolar disorder distorting those thoughts into often painful ideas. She needed something that could distract her thoughts, something that would force her off the couch and out into the world. So one day I suggested we go to the Humaine Society and see if there is a dog there for us. With excitement and apprehension in her eyes we hopped in the car and took the trip to the Humaine Society where she fell in love with this little white dog sporting a bandana around his neck. We enquired about this dog and were told that we would have to wait until the following monday because he was a stray and they allow a certain amount of time for the rightful owners to claim the dog. My partner was devistated, she didnt want to look at anymore dogs she just wanted that one. So we handed in our application and went home. She was convinced that they just didnt want to give us the dog and it would be gone by Monday, she was so upset. So the next day Sunday I desided I would return to the Humaine Society first to see if my partners little dog was still there. I was determined not to leave that place without a new pet for my partner. I would not come home empty handed. Upon arrival I discovered my partner was right. They had adopted the dog she wanted to someone else the day before. Now I was on a mission. I must have walked around that place 100 times. If I had to go to 30 different shelters I would not be going home empty handed! I was looking hard trying to avoid the agressive dogs, the yappy dogs, the sick dogs etc. As I was making my final pass i came across this beautiful pup. He didnt yet have any papers or name he was just Male LabX. I fell in love he looked so happy, he was licking me through the bars of his pen tail wagging like crazy. So I jumped up and went (this time to find the guy who runs the place) anyone other than the guy who had not helped us the day before. I found Will (guy in charge) I dragged him over to the cage of the puppy I so desperately wanted to take home. He explained to me that puppies had to have a certain amount of adoption requests and the pup I wanted was not up for adoption yet as he had not been given any paperwork yet. Like a switch I turned on the charm. I explained to Will that my partner and I are very active people, we do a lot of hiking and camping and backpacking. We are always outdoors and this little puppy would be the perfect addition to our family. I had prepared our vet information and assured him this would not be our first dog. Will became entranced by our conversation about the outdoors and agreed that we would be a great fit for this dog in front of us. He said to me with a wink that he would need to get a few more adoption requests for this pup during the day, to go home and expect a (wink) phone call from him telling us to come pick up our new puppy in a little bit. I flew home. So excited to tell my partner that I had found the perfect pup. We sat outside on the swing and talked about this handsome little guy. He was all black with a white bib on his chest. My partner was getting excited despite herself. After the previous days disapointment she did not want to get her hopes too high, but I could see in her eyes she was waiting for the phone to ring. And it did!

Meet Marley! He has been a godsend to our home and especially to my partner wether this illness has her curled up on the couch just wanting to end it all or in a hypomanic state this dog is right by her side. He licks her out of bed in the morning and forces her off the couch if she is down they have clocked many miles on the hiking trails together and he has offered her comfort and company in the times I am away from home. He has also given me the security that she is not alone. He is sweet and kind and lovable, if not a little poorly behaved. For my partner having a pet has probably saved her life on more than one occasion and he will forever have my love, respect and gratitude. I love them both more than life itself and it brings me great happiness to see them together.

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About me

Almost ten years ago at the tender age of 18 I met what was soon to be my life partner. Almost from day one we were inseperable, the kind of friendship that was easy. We never ran out of things to talk about or laugh about. Our life together began as though we were destined to spend it with eachother. Within a year of meeting we became a couple. I could tell you all about the years and years of marshmellow land and how wonderful our love was, but what I started this blog for was to offer and find support for our latest challenge. Bipolar disorder. About three years ago bipolar disorder took control of the roasting stick and burned our marshmellows. Now life has begun, we no longer have the option of taking eachother or our comfy little love filled lifes for granted.
My partner was diagnosed bipolar after a heartbreaking emotional breakdown. I could never describe how it feels to sit back helplessly as the one you love with every molicule of your being is in such pain and dispare. When all you want to do is pull that person into your arms kiss their forehead and make it all better, and you cant. It wont work. I was always aware that my partner was emotional. She held firm to her rights to feel her emotions and I never questioned that, secretly wishing I had the ability to be true to my emotions as well, but I was always taught not to rock the boat and emotions were a good way to get people sea sick.
There were a series of events that lead to my partners eventual diagnosis. Our bestfriend was killed in a car accident and my partner (with the knowledge we have now was mainc) went into saviour mode. Working hard at consoling all the grieving souls. Shortly after that she was laid off from a job she had been doing for 10 years throwing us into a world of financial uncertainty. After accepting a new job the hammer came down and all of a sudden she was an unconsolable mess on our living room sofa. Followed by a few months of what we now know is rapid cycling, that landed us in the local emergancy room. Ultimately leading us to a diagnosis and on the path to recovery. As I am sure you know the past few years have been filled with pain, suffering and heartache, but through it all (although bumps along the road) we are finding some peace within this emotional rollercoaster. Somehow we have managed to stick by eachother through the hard times.
I wanted to start this blog as an outlet for myself and others who are suffering along with a loved one in this illness, because as much as our loved ones are suffering so are we. We often get forgotten and lost in the dust cloud stirred up by this illness. I have found in my search very little to no resources for partners of bipolar people and just as a bipolar person needs support so do we. The majority of sites I have come across tell me little more than to run for the hills (an option I am not interested in) All I am looking for is people who are in the same boat and who can relate with the path life has led me down. People who understand what it is like to be in love with someone suffering with this illness. People who are willing to share their experiences and are learing along with their partners how to effectivly manage this disease.