Mania vs. Depression

Reciently my partner mentioned that her theropist thinks I like my partners mania's more than her depressions. Hmmm its an interesting thought, hypo mania maybe a little but full blown mania not so much. Personally I enjoy the balanced moments. Depression is terrible, the anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, tears. I definately do not enjoy depression, the commercials are right; depression hurts. But so does mania, for me anyway. My partner is in a state of exticy while experiencing mania, she wants to do things, go shopping, see people, she moves at a super human pace, but she also chases rainbows, spends too much, leaves me behind in her whirlwind. Hypo-mania however I can deal with. To me she is fun, she wants to do things with me, she wants to go camping, she laughs and talks and we have fun together, but I have watched this illness for a while now and I always know that a good hypo-manic phase if not monitored will jump right up into a full blown mania, then I have stuff to worry about... Usually there is a great fall into depression from mania.
Nature seems to be the great devide for my partner, besides a little bit of hypo mania bipolar seems to remain at the city limits anticipating our return from nature. In nature my partner seeks out a place to meditate, she finds a sence of purpose in setting up camp, building fire, cooking, hiking, gathering wood for fires etc... She seems happy there. the call of the loons bring her soul peace. The stars bright at night guide her way to tomorrow. The cleansing water washes away the depression. There are no cars, there is no rush, out in the wilderness it is all about survival, the basics of life, food, water, shelter. There is no interfearance, no pointless quests, no need for stores, wastefull gadgets, its what life is all about. Out in the wilderness you have quality time with your loved ones, you work as a team on a survival project and feel the accomplishment together as a real team. Not the made up ideals of teamwork within an office setting, but real team effort, and when you need to you can take a break, when you are complete you have real down time, you can hop in the lake for a swim, you can take a nap, you can lay in the sun. In the city when you finish work you get in your car, run your erronds, you go home cook the family dinner, do the dishes, clean up, by the time you get any down time it is bed time.
If I had the means I would find a beautiful lake somewhere away with lots of privacy and move there, make life simple again. Refocus on survival and forget about the rat race.

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Different Perspectives

One of the things that I love so much about blogging is the feedback. All that I am here, is an individual, like many others that are searching for some answers. We turn to the internet, we turn to other bloggers, we turn to eachother, and hope to make some sense out of this world, this life. I have spent the last three years living daily with Bipolar disorder. Day in and day out I have watched it eat away at my partner. It has ripped her from the life she had, has changed the way she thinks, reacts and carries out her days. The last post was not intended to simplify bipolar disorder down to the chemicals in our world. If you will, it was more a stab in the dark at a possible factor. I find myself on a constant mission to try and find possible solutions to HELP my partner's battle with this illness. It is an illness I feel helpless against.
greenishtinge said...

1. extreme moods have been documented since at least the time of Aristotle when the chemical lifestyle of today didn't exist. There are, throughout history, clusters of people who were considered bp or as having one type of mental afflication or another, hysteria, etc. I understand that you are weary of the rate at which people are being diagnosed with bp but as the DSM gradually includes more and more symptoms in its list of criteria more and more people are fitting the bill of being mentally ill. Also, be careful of your logic. Just because people eat more ice-cream in the summer and there are more drowning deaths in the summer doesn't mean that the increase in ice-cream consumption causes drowning.

2. Be careful. Sometimes people can take offense at their symptoms being whittled down to chemical products. They may feel that perhaps you are making their illness less legitimate. Remember that bp often runs in families and that many older generations, in spite of mental illness, did not believe or receive a diagnosis. If, for example, I was to take my own family history, there was a lot of mental illness types of incidents/behaviors but no one was ever diagnosed with anything, including my grandmother who attempted a murder/suicide and probably had what we would now call Aspergers syndrome. Just some of my thoughts.

I want to thank greenishtinge for her thoughts on this issue and for brining home how my words can trigger others that read them. I had not thought about the stigma associated with mental illness in the past, it is yet another lesson in the reliability of statistics. I hope that those who read my words on this site can keep in mind that I love my partner dearly and want to do whatever I can to help in anyway. I figured that eliminating some of the chemicals we are exposed to on a regular basis can't hurt. Which is why at the beginning of the last post I wrote that I didn't think it was advisable for anyone to read my words and decide to stop any medications. Even in talking about this more natural lifestyle with my partner I was sure to specify that she needed to remain on her medications. The trouth is I dont have any answers about this illness. I dont know what causes it and I dont know how to fix it. What I do know is the effects it has had on my partners life and the lives of those who love her. And all I want to do is help.
The conclusions I have come to in the past few years is that my partner finds peace in nature. Having a dog helps as well (he forces her off the couch and into the fresh air, wether or not she wants to). She does a little better when she eats properly and excercises regularily. Meditation is helpful, both with helping her sleep properly and with making her step out of the thinking planning mode that her mind loves and makes her live in the moment. I would do anything for my partner. I built her a meditaion room in our home so she would have a clean quiet area to practice her mediation. Its her space and her space alone. She can retreat to it whenever she wants or needs to. I try to get her out into nature as often as possible, even going as far as to look into a career change for me so we can move to a farm. I come home after working all day and make us dinner because I know she needs to eat and often does not unless I force her too. If I had the money I would move us into a cottage somewhere beautiful with trees and water and a lot of space for her to walk and hike. Just in the hope that a change in environment would ease the grip this illness has had on her life over the past few years. I hope anyone reading this blog will remember that anytihng I say or any ideas I have are all about trying to help my partner cope with this illness. I didnt think for one moment that changing to all natural cleaners and organic foods would cure her of this illness I just thought perhaps it would be helpful with some of her symptoms. Beyond that I do believe that it would be healthier overall to live a more natural lifestyle.
Thank you Greenishting for your thoughts and insites on what I had to say. It is nice to have other thoughs and perspectives on the ideas I have. Thank you as well for delivering those perspectives in the respectful manner in which you did. I appreciate that. I am not here to offend or diminish this illness or anyone suffering with it. I use this blog to document my thoughts and feelings on bipolar disorder and my partners battle with it. My love for her is pure and I strive to find ways to help, I dont think for one moment that I will cure anything. I am not a doctor nor do I have any solid science background, I just have love and respect. With that I arm myself and try to find ways to be helpful. I feel like it is not enough for me to be supportive and to be there for her both physically and emotionally, I feel like there has to be more I can do. Ways that I can change our environment to ease some of the symptoms she has, to try to create a space in which she can experience happiness and clarity. Alas I am helpless against this illness, perhaps one day I will accept that and just let what be, be what is.

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Our Chemical World

Before I start this post I want to first put out a warning. I do not in any way shape or form suggest anyone take what I am about to write in this post and use it as a reason to stop taking any medications perscribed by a medical professional. I do not want my words to be responcible for anyone making a decision that can harm their health and well being. The ideas that are about to come are nothing more than a girls thoughs on the effects of the world around us. Having said that if you are in a fragile state and angry or frusterated with the fact that you have to take medications I ask that you read no further.

Now that I have that out I want to talk about the current state of our surrounding environment. 50 years ago our world was a cleaner place, food was grown naturally, meat was grass or grain fed, the cleaning products were natural. My partner was looking at some statistics about bipolar disorder last week that got me thinking. The statistic that peaked my interest is that people in my age group are being diagnosed Bipolar at alarming rates. People of my parents generation are beginning to be diagnosed now as well. So why all of a sudden are people in their 30's being diagnosed and in their 50's? how did the people who are being diagnosed in their 50's get through the last 20 years without symptoms? Could it be this?

I started thinking about all of the changes humans have come through in the last 50 years. The one staggering thought is chemicals. Everything we eat, drink, wear, sleep on and clean with is infused with multiple chemicals. We are injesting, breathing and absorbing an alarming amount of chemicals just by getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast in the morning, not to mention the chemicals our bedding and the beds themselves are soaked in that we are sleeping on. My question is, is it possible that chemical sensitivities could be at least partially responsible for the influx in people showing symptoms of mental illness?

I started researching Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) an illness that is not yet recognized by medical professionals, mainly because there is not enough evidance to support the claim. Here are the symptoms listed for MCS:

-Headache

-Fatigue

-Dizziness

-Nausea

-Irritability

-Confusion
-Difficulty Concentrating

-Intolerance to heat or cold

-Earache

-Stuffy head or congestion

-Itching

-Sneezing

-Sore throat

-Memory Problems

-Breathing Problems

-Changes in heart rhythm

-Chest Pain

-Muscle Pain and/or stiffness

-Bloating or gas

-Diarrhea

-Skin Rash or Hives

-Mood Changes

This list blew me away! So many of the symptoms here reflect the symptoms my partner has complained about for years. I am not suggesting that my partner is not bipolar or that she should stop her meds, I just think that with the change in the frequency of which people of this age group are being diagnosed Bipolar coupled with the fact that nothing (and I do mean nothing) that we come in contact with daily, hourly or by the minute or second is free of chemicals. I am sitting here right now in a t-shirt and pajama pants thinking about the anti flamable chemicals my cloths were dipped in during manufacturing and the laundry detergent and fabric softner chemicals mixing and seeping into my body through my skin. My bare feet resting on the wood floors treated with chemicals, the air that I am breathing, tiny particals of chemicals that I have cleaned with I am inhaling with each breath. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in dish soap? There is nothing in dish soap that I can even pronounce. Or air freshener.. my god! I have known for a long time that man is killing the environment and creating a place unfit for the future of our children, now I know it is much more urgant than that. We are changing the chemical makeup of our bodies. Yours and mine. Everytime I put my hands in dish water I am absorbing about 10 different chemicals that are traveling directly into my blood stream. Wear rubber gloves to avoid that chemical transfer? What chemicals are the gloves treated in?

5o Years ago people cleaned with natural products, vinegar and water amongst others, we were not afraid of our cloths or bedding catching fire, cotton was what was worn, or food was grown in dirt, not in pesticides. Our animals fed grass and grains, not hormones and biproducts. My partner and I will be going through a pretty drastic lifestyle change in the coming weeks. I will be changing our hygene products to natural products, or cleaning products to chemical free cleaning products and the food we eat will be organic. I am even considering throwing the microwave in the garbage.... Who thought that cooking food in a device that DOES NOT HEAT UP was this great idea?

I am no professional, I do not know with any kind of solid proof that bipolar disorder has anything at all to do with our chemical world and am not suggesting in anyway that anyone including my partner discontinue use of perscribed medications. I can not conclude that MCS is responsible for any symptoms of bipolar, all that I am saying is in my house we will be changing to natural chemical free products for the good of both of our health. As well as the environment.

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Depression

I don't know what is worse, depression or mania. Both have their major downfalls. Mania comes with excessive spending, arguments, insecurity etc. Yet depression makes me feel so helpless. When the world is so unfair and things just tumble downhill. It pains me that I dont have the words in me to make everything okay for my partner in her depressions. What is inside of me, all the love and patience is never enough. I can't spill my overflowing heart into hers to give her hope and ease that pain.

I know this too shall pass. Depressions have come and gone for her over and over in the past three years, but each one is like a fresh slice with the worlds sword. It sits shining in the corner, edge gleaming like it has been freshly sharpened and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And I am powerless against it. I want to whack it against a boulder a thousand times until I fall exhausted against the boulder with the dull sword chiming with each bounce off the floor beside me, never to be sharpened again. Alas there it sits shining and untouchable.

This week has been difficult for my partner, thus difficult for me. I want for my soft words and gentle caresses to sooth the pain I know I cant touch. I want my words to mean so much and make so much sence in my partners bipolar mind, that the depression would just fall aside, the usless blob of bull shit that it is. I want so badly to be able to make her well, to just hand to her in a beautifully gift wrapped package, confidance, happiness, clairity, stability and a life full of wonder. I am restricted to gentle words, caresses and all the love and patience that I have in my heart. I will pour my love relentlessly over her depression until enough drips through to bring a smile to her face and hope to her heart. Until then I shower my love with all my heart has to offer.

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What brings your bipolar partner peace?

For mine it is the outdoors. Just the thought of hiking in Algonquin park will bring a smile to my partners face. When she is down in the dumps and is not talking I like to talk about our backpacking trip last year. The sound of loons calling across the lake, the song birds singing above our heads high in the trees, the beautiful trees towering above us in all directions. This conversation seems to be able to pull her out of her own mind if only for a moment.

The camping season is almost upon us and already she is planning a weekend in April. The weather will be cold but my girls heart will be warm. the song birds will be out and the frogs will bee singing their mating songs. We will sit in front of a roaring fire to warm ourselves and retire to the warmth of plenty of blankets sfter the sun has set on the day. This is the on e place she is truly free. The one place she feels connected and at peace. If I could I would move us deep into the wilderness, build us a cabin and learn to live off the land. If I could I would take all her pain and worry,her anxiousness and this terrible illness she is forced to deal with on a regular basis away and allow her to live happy in the place she is so desperatly in love with. I wish I could do this for her. Unfortunately the real world calls and the reality is that even escaping into the wildreness costs money and she would still need her meds, we would need building supplies etc... Until we can figure out how to make that dream a reality, we will plan weekends away and take the dose of natures beauty to get us through to the next time.

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About me

Almost ten years ago at the tender age of 18 I met what was soon to be my life partner. Almost from day one we were inseperable, the kind of friendship that was easy. We never ran out of things to talk about or laugh about. Our life together began as though we were destined to spend it with eachother. Within a year of meeting we became a couple. I could tell you all about the years and years of marshmellow land and how wonderful our love was, but what I started this blog for was to offer and find support for our latest challenge. Bipolar disorder. About three years ago bipolar disorder took control of the roasting stick and burned our marshmellows. Now life has begun, we no longer have the option of taking eachother or our comfy little love filled lifes for granted.
My partner was diagnosed bipolar after a heartbreaking emotional breakdown. I could never describe how it feels to sit back helplessly as the one you love with every molicule of your being is in such pain and dispare. When all you want to do is pull that person into your arms kiss their forehead and make it all better, and you cant. It wont work. I was always aware that my partner was emotional. She held firm to her rights to feel her emotions and I never questioned that, secretly wishing I had the ability to be true to my emotions as well, but I was always taught not to rock the boat and emotions were a good way to get people sea sick.
There were a series of events that lead to my partners eventual diagnosis. Our bestfriend was killed in a car accident and my partner (with the knowledge we have now was mainc) went into saviour mode. Working hard at consoling all the grieving souls. Shortly after that she was laid off from a job she had been doing for 10 years throwing us into a world of financial uncertainty. After accepting a new job the hammer came down and all of a sudden she was an unconsolable mess on our living room sofa. Followed by a few months of what we now know is rapid cycling, that landed us in the local emergancy room. Ultimately leading us to a diagnosis and on the path to recovery. As I am sure you know the past few years have been filled with pain, suffering and heartache, but through it all (although bumps along the road) we are finding some peace within this emotional rollercoaster. Somehow we have managed to stick by eachother through the hard times.
I wanted to start this blog as an outlet for myself and others who are suffering along with a loved one in this illness, because as much as our loved ones are suffering so are we. We often get forgotten and lost in the dust cloud stirred up by this illness. I have found in my search very little to no resources for partners of bipolar people and just as a bipolar person needs support so do we. The majority of sites I have come across tell me little more than to run for the hills (an option I am not interested in) All I am looking for is people who are in the same boat and who can relate with the path life has led me down. People who understand what it is like to be in love with someone suffering with this illness. People who are willing to share their experiences and are learing along with their partners how to effectivly manage this disease.