Mania vs. Depression

Reciently my partner mentioned that her theropist thinks I like my partners mania's more than her depressions. Hmmm its an interesting thought, hypo mania maybe a little but full blown mania not so much. Personally I enjoy the balanced moments. Depression is terrible, the anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, tears. I definately do not enjoy depression, the commercials are right; depression hurts. But so does mania, for me anyway. My partner is in a state of exticy while experiencing mania, she wants to do things, go shopping, see people, she moves at a super human pace, but she also chases rainbows, spends too much, leaves me behind in her whirlwind. Hypo-mania however I can deal with. To me she is fun, she wants to do things with me, she wants to go camping, she laughs and talks and we have fun together, but I have watched this illness for a while now and I always know that a good hypo-manic phase if not monitored will jump right up into a full blown mania, then I have stuff to worry about... Usually there is a great fall into depression from mania.
Nature seems to be the great devide for my partner, besides a little bit of hypo mania bipolar seems to remain at the city limits anticipating our return from nature. In nature my partner seeks out a place to meditate, she finds a sence of purpose in setting up camp, building fire, cooking, hiking, gathering wood for fires etc... She seems happy there. the call of the loons bring her soul peace. The stars bright at night guide her way to tomorrow. The cleansing water washes away the depression. There are no cars, there is no rush, out in the wilderness it is all about survival, the basics of life, food, water, shelter. There is no interfearance, no pointless quests, no need for stores, wastefull gadgets, its what life is all about. Out in the wilderness you have quality time with your loved ones, you work as a team on a survival project and feel the accomplishment together as a real team. Not the made up ideals of teamwork within an office setting, but real team effort, and when you need to you can take a break, when you are complete you have real down time, you can hop in the lake for a swim, you can take a nap, you can lay in the sun. In the city when you finish work you get in your car, run your erronds, you go home cook the family dinner, do the dishes, clean up, by the time you get any down time it is bed time.
If I had the means I would find a beautiful lake somewhere away with lots of privacy and move there, make life simple again. Refocus on survival and forget about the rat race.

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Our Chemical World

Before I start this post I want to first put out a warning. I do not in any way shape or form suggest anyone take what I am about to write in this post and use it as a reason to stop taking any medications perscribed by a medical professional. I do not want my words to be responcible for anyone making a decision that can harm their health and well being. The ideas that are about to come are nothing more than a girls thoughs on the effects of the world around us. Having said that if you are in a fragile state and angry or frusterated with the fact that you have to take medications I ask that you read no further.

Now that I have that out I want to talk about the current state of our surrounding environment. 50 years ago our world was a cleaner place, food was grown naturally, meat was grass or grain fed, the cleaning products were natural. My partner was looking at some statistics about bipolar disorder last week that got me thinking. The statistic that peaked my interest is that people in my age group are being diagnosed Bipolar at alarming rates. People of my parents generation are beginning to be diagnosed now as well. So why all of a sudden are people in their 30's being diagnosed and in their 50's? how did the people who are being diagnosed in their 50's get through the last 20 years without symptoms? Could it be this?

I started thinking about all of the changes humans have come through in the last 50 years. The one staggering thought is chemicals. Everything we eat, drink, wear, sleep on and clean with is infused with multiple chemicals. We are injesting, breathing and absorbing an alarming amount of chemicals just by getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast in the morning, not to mention the chemicals our bedding and the beds themselves are soaked in that we are sleeping on. My question is, is it possible that chemical sensitivities could be at least partially responsible for the influx in people showing symptoms of mental illness?

I started researching Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) an illness that is not yet recognized by medical professionals, mainly because there is not enough evidance to support the claim. Here are the symptoms listed for MCS:

-Headache

-Fatigue

-Dizziness

-Nausea

-Irritability

-Confusion
-Difficulty Concentrating

-Intolerance to heat or cold

-Earache

-Stuffy head or congestion

-Itching

-Sneezing

-Sore throat

-Memory Problems

-Breathing Problems

-Changes in heart rhythm

-Chest Pain

-Muscle Pain and/or stiffness

-Bloating or gas

-Diarrhea

-Skin Rash or Hives

-Mood Changes

This list blew me away! So many of the symptoms here reflect the symptoms my partner has complained about for years. I am not suggesting that my partner is not bipolar or that she should stop her meds, I just think that with the change in the frequency of which people of this age group are being diagnosed Bipolar coupled with the fact that nothing (and I do mean nothing) that we come in contact with daily, hourly or by the minute or second is free of chemicals. I am sitting here right now in a t-shirt and pajama pants thinking about the anti flamable chemicals my cloths were dipped in during manufacturing and the laundry detergent and fabric softner chemicals mixing and seeping into my body through my skin. My bare feet resting on the wood floors treated with chemicals, the air that I am breathing, tiny particals of chemicals that I have cleaned with I am inhaling with each breath. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in dish soap? There is nothing in dish soap that I can even pronounce. Or air freshener.. my god! I have known for a long time that man is killing the environment and creating a place unfit for the future of our children, now I know it is much more urgant than that. We are changing the chemical makeup of our bodies. Yours and mine. Everytime I put my hands in dish water I am absorbing about 10 different chemicals that are traveling directly into my blood stream. Wear rubber gloves to avoid that chemical transfer? What chemicals are the gloves treated in?

5o Years ago people cleaned with natural products, vinegar and water amongst others, we were not afraid of our cloths or bedding catching fire, cotton was what was worn, or food was grown in dirt, not in pesticides. Our animals fed grass and grains, not hormones and biproducts. My partner and I will be going through a pretty drastic lifestyle change in the coming weeks. I will be changing our hygene products to natural products, or cleaning products to chemical free cleaning products and the food we eat will be organic. I am even considering throwing the microwave in the garbage.... Who thought that cooking food in a device that DOES NOT HEAT UP was this great idea?

I am no professional, I do not know with any kind of solid proof that bipolar disorder has anything at all to do with our chemical world and am not suggesting in anyway that anyone including my partner discontinue use of perscribed medications. I can not conclude that MCS is responsible for any symptoms of bipolar, all that I am saying is in my house we will be changing to natural chemical free products for the good of both of our health. As well as the environment.

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Farm Girls!

On Saturday morning I went to a small town outside of Kitchener calls St. Claments, to pic my partner up. She had spent a few days in Grand Bend and came to St. Claments with her friends to their daughters farm for their anniversary party. We arrived at precicely the same moment (actually if trouth be told I would have been there about 5 minutes earlier but I missed the farm and went 5km in the wrong direction) We had decided the night before over the phone to stay at the farm overnight on Saturday.
Can I just say I love farm life? Okay I am saying it I love farm life! The farm is just a small hobby farm which is just perfect for me. They have two horses and some chickens so far. Other than that the farm is a beautiful 5 acres of property that is tree lined with a beautiful pond near the back. This property has a nice two bedroom farm house and a nice two bedroom appartment above the garage. My partner and I fell in love with the appartment. you go up a flight of stairs on the side of the garage to a small deck, as you enter the appartment the kitchen is on the left, it has an old table and chairs but what really caught our eye was the bench seat behind the table it curves in a L and seats 3 people along one side and the back of the table. Then you enter a door into the living room which is a large space that looks out over the property, off the living room there is another large room it looks like it may have been used as a dining room, I would probably take down the wall that seperates the two rooms and make it an open concept living/dining area perhaps put a bar in the space as well. the bedrooms are through another door. In the hallway there is a stairway that leads down to another room and out into the garage. The master bedroom is a fair size and has exposed slanted ceiling, this room looks out to the horses. The second bedroom is mall but still with the slanted ceiling and would make a great meditation room. The bathroom is well its a bathroom. When you go down the stairs you come out in a room that has a big fireplace against the wall there is also a wood burning stove in the room to heat the appartment in the winter. I would make this room very comfortable, I have always wanted a place with a fireplace. The wood burning stove is an added bonus!
So my partner and I are laying in the apartment Saturday night just revaling in how much we love it. It felt so much like home. It was so comfortable. Even the dog was comfortable. The apartment is definately a place I could see myself living.
In the morning I got to drive the tractor! I love the whole idea, having a nice quiet, private place to live. Helping out around the farm. Feeding horses and chickens, building different things on the farm. Our friends that owned the farm in the morning asked me how the appartment was, my reply. "you mean our appartment is was wonderful. I love it" She said we will talk... They are looking for someone to rent the appartment and well they just may have some takers if they can wait until January, and if I can find some way to make money out there. It is close to Kitchener so I dont think I would have too much of a problem.
In the mean time if they want to rent the place to us in the next year, there is so much that I would like to do. My head is swimming with the possibility.

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About me

Almost ten years ago at the tender age of 18 I met what was soon to be my life partner. Almost from day one we were inseperable, the kind of friendship that was easy. We never ran out of things to talk about or laugh about. Our life together began as though we were destined to spend it with eachother. Within a year of meeting we became a couple. I could tell you all about the years and years of marshmellow land and how wonderful our love was, but what I started this blog for was to offer and find support for our latest challenge. Bipolar disorder. About three years ago bipolar disorder took control of the roasting stick and burned our marshmellows. Now life has begun, we no longer have the option of taking eachother or our comfy little love filled lifes for granted.
My partner was diagnosed bipolar after a heartbreaking emotional breakdown. I could never describe how it feels to sit back helplessly as the one you love with every molicule of your being is in such pain and dispare. When all you want to do is pull that person into your arms kiss their forehead and make it all better, and you cant. It wont work. I was always aware that my partner was emotional. She held firm to her rights to feel her emotions and I never questioned that, secretly wishing I had the ability to be true to my emotions as well, but I was always taught not to rock the boat and emotions were a good way to get people sea sick.
There were a series of events that lead to my partners eventual diagnosis. Our bestfriend was killed in a car accident and my partner (with the knowledge we have now was mainc) went into saviour mode. Working hard at consoling all the grieving souls. Shortly after that she was laid off from a job she had been doing for 10 years throwing us into a world of financial uncertainty. After accepting a new job the hammer came down and all of a sudden she was an unconsolable mess on our living room sofa. Followed by a few months of what we now know is rapid cycling, that landed us in the local emergancy room. Ultimately leading us to a diagnosis and on the path to recovery. As I am sure you know the past few years have been filled with pain, suffering and heartache, but through it all (although bumps along the road) we are finding some peace within this emotional rollercoaster. Somehow we have managed to stick by eachother through the hard times.
I wanted to start this blog as an outlet for myself and others who are suffering along with a loved one in this illness, because as much as our loved ones are suffering so are we. We often get forgotten and lost in the dust cloud stirred up by this illness. I have found in my search very little to no resources for partners of bipolar people and just as a bipolar person needs support so do we. The majority of sites I have come across tell me little more than to run for the hills (an option I am not interested in) All I am looking for is people who are in the same boat and who can relate with the path life has led me down. People who understand what it is like to be in love with someone suffering with this illness. People who are willing to share their experiences and are learing along with their partners how to effectivly manage this disease.