Time apart

There was a time long ago that my partner and I were inseperable. We wanted to be with eachother at all times. It was painful to be apart, a few days seemed like an eternaty. I would well up with tears as she left the house to go visit a friend for a few days, thinking how much I was going to miss her. How could we be apart? How could I sleep in our bed without her breathing next to me? Every moment apart felt like an eternity. I would despriately try to find something to fill my time with while she was away. I would busy myself with housework, friends, extra hours at work. I could never just sit back and enjoy having the house to myself.

Now after ten years together and some difficult times we have come to the reolization that some time apart every now and then is healthy. Having friends that we can enjoy the company of without eachother is healthy.
Today I will be taking my partner to her friends in Grand Bend, where she will be staying until the weekend. In past history for a few days before a trip like this I would feel needy and clingy, I would feel the need to suck up all the love and attention I could get from my partner before she were to leave. Today I would be emotional, it would feel almost like loss, like she was going forever even though I knew logically it was only for a few days. Now I joke about it, last night we were laying in bed and I turned to my partner and said (sarcasticly) "you are LEAVING me! Forever!" And we laugh. She comes back with "you are right, I am running away to Grand Bend and never comeing back... So your coming to pick me up on Saturday?" We laugh some more.

It is nice to no longer feel that insecurity, to be able to enjoy my time alone. I have to work everyday that she is away but on Wednesday I have a work function in the evening, on Thursday I am going to dinner with some friends and Friday I will just spend my evening here at home reading and relaxing. I will miss my partner when she is away, I like to come home to her beautiful face each night. I like to hear her voice before I drift off to sleep, etc. But missing her is different now than it used to be, it is no longer a desperate feeling. No longer does a few days feel like an eternaty without her. The time will pass and before I know it she will be back home and her voice will be the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep.

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So Frusterating

Over six years ago my partner and I desided to move into a nice two bedroom appartment on the main floor of a beautiful building with my father. Suddenly after 6 years living here the management company that runs the building has desided it is high time they cause us some unnecessary greif.


Two weeks ago we recieved a notice in the mail that they have reason to believe that we have additional tenants residing within our unit not named on the lease and that we could expect to have a unit inspection within the next ten days. For me this is mearly a pain in the ass. I know we have nothing to hide, we have had the same three people living in our unit since our move in date. We rairly have guests in our home, and in the six years we have lived here have had only two overnight guests and both stayed for less than 3 consecutive days. So bring on your inspection. For my partner this is a catasrophy. She feels like she is under a microscope. She has been struggling with this since the day we recieved the notice. Why are they doing this to us? Why her? What did she do to deserve this? Who would want us out of here? We live on the main floor so we often keep our drapes closed for privacy, we dont bother other people in the building.

D-day has come and gone, the inspection was well... lets just say interesting. My partners fears and parinoia are at an all time high with this situation. The manager came in with two ladies to look around, on their way out the manager says to me," I know you have a colored lady living here". First, 1961 called they want their racism back! and Second, He knows nothing apparently because not only is there not a "colored" lady living here but there are no additional ladies or men living here at all! He then went on to say this lady is entering our unit nightly and sleeping here. The whole accusation is so absord I can't help but laugh! My partner on the other hand is spending all of her time worrying about this situation. She typed up a visitors log for anyone who enters out appartment to sign, including their name, race, the date, time in, time out and signature. We also put together a document for our neighbours to sign stating that they have not been witness to any additional people coming into or leaving our unit with a consistancy that would suggest residancy.
This morning my partner was walking our dog and the superintendant took the liberty of standing by our appartment door and staring at her. This was just one more trigger to add to the already tedious pile of triggers over the past few weeks. She feels intimidated, like she needs to prove everything that is being done. She is making a big deal, speaking loudly in the hallways to bid our guests adue at the end of their visits.

As far as i am concerned if they don't believe us they can do one of a few things they can park a lawn chair outside our door and sit there for the next few weeks months or however long it takes for them to reolize there are just the three of us here. or they can turn the security cameras to face our door and capture the three of us as we come and go from our unit. I will not be intimidated our of my home by some arrogant prick who thinks he is something special because he is the superintenant. We pay more than any other residants of this building for our appartment it doesnt even make good busness sence to try to get rid of us. Beyond that I am not new here, I know my rights as a tenant and I also know we have not violated any of the terms and conditions of our lease.

However, home is supposed to be your sanctuary from the world, a place to kick up your feet and relax. This whole situation is just so frusterating.

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Cheri's Masterpiece!

I have been watching my new friend Cheri's art unfold before my eyes and am inspired by her creativity. Noting all of the emotions that lay quiet behind the scenes of each masterpiece. Every person who creates has the same thoughts, feelings and emotions it is dripped in each and every brush stroke, camera flicker and musical cord. It is interesting to have not only been witness to the art unfolding but also have the opportunity to experience the words that go with the painting. Words belonging to the artest. Words that are so familiar, similar emotions, insecurities, triumps that play in my head with each artistic quest I venture on.

All artests start with a vision, wether it be a vision created by nature, humans, interactions or emotions , as that vision comes together like pieces of a puzzle our emotions begin emerging. Wether it be tragity, love, annoyance, anger, frusteration or any other number of emotions it is all there quietly behind the brush strokes.

Take the picture at the top of my blog for instance. That photo came from a place deep inside of me. The whole series I took that day were all borne of the same emotion. All in black and white, all solitary images, something physical standing on its own. I was in a place in my life where I felt all alone. Solitary in my space. The feeling of being all alone in a room full of people, of being the only person on earth however surrounded.

This is one of the other pictures taken on the same beach on the same day. The interesting thing about art is people will see the same image, interperate the same song etc in all kinds of different ways depending on what their innermost emotions are for the day. When I look at these pictures I am flooded with that feeling of solidarity, emptiness all alone in the world. I am transported to a place within me that feels like no one else in the world feels like I do. But I have had others interperet these pictures as calm, quiet and contentment. I havent had the opportunity to go out with my camera in a while, perhaps because my life has been changing, or I just havent made the time, I lack the motivation at this moment. What I do know is when I pick the camera up and begin shooting the images you will all see will be a reflection of me. Perhaps this is why artests are always so critical of their work. It is like putting your soul on the canvis or on photo paper or to musical notes, you are there naked for everyone to see. You stand back and see all your many flaws and you are sure everyone else can see them too.

As Cheri says in her last post "there are so many changes I want to make.... it is out of my hands now..." What a metaphor for life... With every step taken, action and every word said we analize it. Pick it apart, disect it, Shoulda, woulda, coulda, its out of our hands now. To stand back at our lives our art, ourselves and be mindful that every person is going to interperit it as they see themselves. To know that when you are standing there naked for all the world to see, the eyes staring in your direction can only see themselves. And that is out of our hands.

Cheri, Thank you so much for sharing your art and emotion, for standing naked. For allowing me into your world of art and thus the world of Cheri. Your visions are amazing, I am proud of your accomplishment and your dedication to sharing that accomplishment with me.

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Some of my favorite pictures

For those that don't know photography is one of my passions. It is one of the things that makes me escape the real world. I can loose myself in all of the beautiful sights this world has to offer. I see everything through a lens. Everything I see I am thinking how I could take a picture of it, what angle, what lighting, what kind of foreground or background would make it a great shot.
The following pictures are some of my favorites. I hope you like looking at them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

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The Elora Gorge

When my partner and I first started going camping together the Elora Gorge was our destination of choice.. Years ago the Elora Gorge was a quaint little camping spot with some great sites (If you know where to look) We were lucky enough to share a seasonal site with some friends who only wanted to use it for the first half of the season so the second half was all ours. It is a private site tucked in against the gorge featuring its own waterfall. In the spring the frogs mating calls are intoxicating. A cacophony of sound breaking the early season silence of the night. We had so many wonderful memories on this site. Private moments shared just the two of us as well as many wonderful times with our friends and family.

In the past few years Elora lost its battle against the building of a race track and the rising commercialism in the area has slowly taken away the charm of this little town. During the high season where there was the quiet wisper of wind through the tree tops and song birds high above singing down on our love, is replaced by the roar of car engines and a plethera of teenagers excited screams as they embark on their funfilled afternoon of tubing on the Grand. The privacy of our little gem of a site made public by a hiking trail that winds along the edge of the gorge and right through our site. The drive that once seperated our sanctuary from the road above made way to cyclists looking for a path.

My partner and I made a decision while relaxing infront of our roaring late April camp fire. We will make Elora our first camping trip of the season and our last. Avoiding the high season rush all while tricking us into believing the place we once called our summer getaway remains untouched by the "Man". A brand new tradition born. One time in April and again in October, when it is too cold for the average Joe to brave a night out in nature without a heated trailor you will find us, enjoying our quiet little oasis. If you find yourself there in April take a moment after the sun has set to turn your ears to the pond and allow yourself to be taken away on the sounds of the bull frogs creating the next seasons songsters. Likewise in October lay back eyes to the sky and be witness to the birds flocking by the thousands as they begin their travel south.

Last night was a wonderful evening filled with love. I had a feeling of being transported back in time if only fleeting, back to a time when Bipolar disorder had not shown its ugly face. Back when we were young and carefree, when the idea of difficult times seemed so unlikely, when we thought the world could never get us. Oh how nice it is to visit that place, mindful that we are not to stay in that place. The lessons we have learned along the way are priceless. This is for our journey through life, as the roads wind let us wind with them without hesitation. Always being mindful to let be what is, be.

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All about me

1. My heart is on my sleve
2. What you see is what you get
3. I can be emotional
4. I stuff my feelings alot
5. I am artistic
6. I am good with my hands
7. If you dream it up I can build it
8. I love photography
9. I want a digital SLR camera
10. I love nature
11. I would live in a secluded cabin in the woods
12. I am a people pleaser
13. I love ice cream
14. I eat too much junk
15. I miss my family
16. I love my partner unconditionally
17. I don't want any children
18. I dream of winning the lottery and building my dream home
19. I drive a Malibu
20. I want to get a motorcycle
21. I love camping
22. I wish I had vacation time this summer
23. I love my dog!
24. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day
25. I enjoy east indian food
26. I daydream about laying in a hamic all day reading
27. I wish I was thin
28. I am hard on myself
29. I miss my siblings
30. I like to make others laugh
31. I like my new job
32. I hate shopping
33. I am a casual dresser
34. I look like I am in drag in a dress
35. I cant walk on heels
36. I like to do things for others
37. I love to see my partner smile
38. I love to hear children laugh
39. I love a clean home but can't seem to find the time to keep mine clean
40. I like hot baths with a book
41. I like my back touched
42. I am growing my hair back
43. Others opinions matter to me
44. I have 3 tattoos
45. I want another one
46. I like to draw and paint
47. I do too much for others and not enough for myself
48. I sometimes feel like I don't matter
49. I dont like others telling me how to live my life
50. I wish I could make a career out of my photography
51. I want to go back to school
52. I want to live close to algonquin park
53. I could spend all day in Home Depot
54. My next project is to build a bed frame
55. I wish I had power tools and a place to put them
56. I love photoshop
57. I could play with my photographs all day
58. I would like to dress better
59. I love candles
60. I feel good when I meditate with my partner
61. I wish I had a larger vocabulary
62. I love the ocean
63. I like motorized toys
64. I love hiking
65. I love making love in the woods
66. I love star gazing with my girl
67. I wish I could go to Australia
68. I want to visit Africa
69. And India
70. I am afraid of bears
71. I think the grizzly man was nuts
72. I like silly movies
73. I like the internet
74. I am embarrased to say I keep in touch with my friends through facebook
75. I smoke
76. I want to quit
77. I want a new car
78. I would spend a small fortune in Mountain Equiptment Co-op
79. I wish I was more attractive
80. I love my niece and nephue
81. I love I can send them home at the end of the day
82. I love summer
83. And hate winter
84. A secluded cabin in the woods close to the ocean would be nice
85. I am a dreamer
86. I am sensitive
87. I want to help everyone
88. I rairly help myself
89. I feel love deeply
90. I am a nester
91. I want to spend my life with my partner
92. I want to cure mental illness
93. I want 3 wishes
94. I wish I could help my mother
95. I think my dog needs downers
96. I wish my neighbours would mind their own busness
97. I like waking up to kisses
98. I like going to bed with kisses
99. I have curly, unruly hair
100. I love Shannon

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Bipolar Disorder and Partnership

Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.

Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.

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