Regaining Trust

As we all know bipolar people in their illness have a knack for breaking the trust of their loved ones. For some it is the reckless spending of money, for others it is suicide attempts and for some it is sexual in nature or all of the above. Once that trust has been broken the question becomes what does one do with that information? How do you cope? How do you grieve? How do you regain that trust?
They are all good questions, questions to which I do not have the answers. All that I can say it is a process. One which if you choose to travel through and stand by your partners side as I have chosen you must stick your neck out and have faith that, that trust wont be broken again. As well you have to be prepared for the eventuallity that it may. An easy task?? I say nay. However a necessary one.
Why this issue? Why now? Because on the cusp of eliminating TC from our lives and recovering from infadelity with another woman my partner has developed a new friendship. We spent some time talking about the infedelity and TC the other night in relation to this new friendship and my partner has an understandable fear of getting close with people. Essentially she must now learn to trust herself. She must learn to trust that she is capable of having platonic relationships with people that are normal and healty. At the same time putting my own neck out there and putting faith in her ability to develop healthy relationships with people that will not threaten our relationship. Regardless of the trust that has been broken and still in the process of mending I have to throw caution to the wind and put my trust in her in order for her to put that trust back in herself.
So tonight my partner is at her new friends house drinking meditation tea and chatting and I have to trust that is what it really happening. Does the whole concept of what could happen upset me? Sure, but I am coming to reolize that it is my own imagination that is my worst enemy. I can sit here for the next few hours crying about the possibility or I can sit here thinking about how much faith I have in her. Her recovery is going well and she has worked tirelessly on herself, so at this point I have nothing to fear but the fear itself ( I know cleche but it works) So while she is out tonight I am going to complete this post, I am going to drink my hot chocolate and enjoy having the house to myself for a few hours and I am going to trust that this friendship is going to be a positive, healthy, platonic relationship. Because I love her and I value our relationship, there is no relationship without trust and trust we will regain and be stronger for it.

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My love is like a well that never runs dry

I find it rather amazing that the more people with bipolar disorder I speak with the more I hear how this illness has robbed them of their self worth. I have heard a number of people suffering with bipolar express their lack of understanding as to why their partners are still with them. As a partner I am dedicated, faithful, loving and attentive. I simply care deeply for my partner. She has expressed on a number of occasions her confusion on why I stick around and put up with everything that comes with her and this illness. That same sentiment has been expressed by each bipolar person I have conversed with that has a loving, caring partner. Why? It becomes more and more clear to me as I speak to more people with this illness what it is doing to each persons self esteem.
I will not claim to be an expert on bipolar disorder, I have not read any textbooks or studied the illness I can only speak from a place of experience and that is only my experience as a partner of a person suffering with this illness. I don't know about anyone else but I can say from my experience that my partner and I had 7 years of history before this illness reared its ugly head. 7 solid years without this monkey on my partners back. In those 7 years my partner and I became extreamly close, we shared everything, we had trust and respect but most of all an unshakable love. Perhaps if this illness would have presented itself in the first year of our relationship and put my love through the tests it has in the past 3 years then, I would have gone running for the hills. As I sit here today writing this, I can attest to having been tested in all ways possible since this illness has become a part of our lives. But the key is it is our lives, not my partners, because we have a life, together. Therefore, when she is suffering I am suffering, when she hurts I hurt. We have a partnership, and my love spans beyond the difficulties. In the most difficult of times I hold onto the good times, I remember that this time will pass and there will be good times again. I have come to a place of acceptance that the good times may be fleeting but they will present.
I also have a great deal of respect for my partner. She has been working so hard to learn the tools she will need to manage this illness. She was able to put her ego aside and ask for the help that she needs (which in itself is so hard to do) She has taken a proactive roll in her recovery. How can your love not grow when you know how much of a struggle it is just to keep going let alone drag yourself out to mental health meetings and groups and theropy and psycholigists etc... I love her more and more each day because she is trying. It is because she is working so hard that I stand firm beside her and make sure in the most difficult of times for her that she is fed and safe. I am also aware that for whatever suffering this process brings me through it is amplified for her and she would never do this to me on purpose. I know that if she could go back to how she was in the first 7 years of our relationship she would. I also know that in the times that she has wanted to end her life although with twisted logic she was thinking it would be better for me, if she was not around. This of course is not the case if she did end her life I would be terribly hurt, I am not sure that I would ever recover from something like that, and my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
So why to I stick around? I stick around because I care, I love her regardless of wether she can recipricate that feeling, regardless of what this illness throws our way, my love is unconditional. In my eyes my partner is worth all of it. She is funny, smart, exciting, loving, caring, beautiful, kind and strong. I know that all her qualities are there even if at the peaks of this illness she can not express them, they are there. They are there and I am here, when she gets back from chasing rainbows or crawls out of the sub basement of hell I will still be here.

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Devine Intervention

Near the beginning of our relationship we were givin the wonderful little dog you see above. His name is Scoop (lovingly called Scoopy) he belonged to my uncle who desided one day he would like a more manly dog and offered up this little gem to us. If you are looking repeatedly at the picture trying to figure out exactly what that is, he was a Chinese Crested Hairless dog and the kindest, sweetest most lovable dogs you would ever want to meet. My partner was all about this dog, they spent all their time together, at any moment you could catch them curled up somewhere together. About two years ago in the height of my partners illness Scoop also became ill. He was the runt of his litter and his life expectancy was 8-10 years. At this point he was over 10 years old and had become blind, he also developed a bad cold. We did for his cold what we had done for his whole life, vicks on his little chest and vitamin C, only the cold got worse and worse. He was so congested that breathing was hard, he was lathargic etc. The vet advised us to put him down stating he was past his life expectancy and if we did spend the obscene amount of money to cure his current illness, he was already blind and he would surely become sick again. So we sat down and made the most difficult decision we had ever made as a couple, to put down this little guy who was so much a part of our family.

It was so painful to have to make that decision that we desided we would not get another dog, for neither of us wanted to go through that again. As time passed we longed more and more for a four legged little friend to meet us at the door. but most importantly for my partner to have some company while I was away at work. It had been difficult for her 8 or more hours a day alone in our home with her toughts and bipolar disorder distorting those thoughts into often painful ideas. She needed something that could distract her thoughts, something that would force her off the couch and out into the world. So one day I suggested we go to the Humaine Society and see if there is a dog there for us. With excitement and apprehension in her eyes we hopped in the car and took the trip to the Humaine Society where she fell in love with this little white dog sporting a bandana around his neck. We enquired about this dog and were told that we would have to wait until the following monday because he was a stray and they allow a certain amount of time for the rightful owners to claim the dog. My partner was devistated, she didnt want to look at anymore dogs she just wanted that one. So we handed in our application and went home. She was convinced that they just didnt want to give us the dog and it would be gone by Monday, she was so upset. So the next day Sunday I desided I would return to the Humaine Society first to see if my partners little dog was still there. I was determined not to leave that place without a new pet for my partner. I would not come home empty handed. Upon arrival I discovered my partner was right. They had adopted the dog she wanted to someone else the day before. Now I was on a mission. I must have walked around that place 100 times. If I had to go to 30 different shelters I would not be going home empty handed! I was looking hard trying to avoid the agressive dogs, the yappy dogs, the sick dogs etc. As I was making my final pass i came across this beautiful pup. He didnt yet have any papers or name he was just Male LabX. I fell in love he looked so happy, he was licking me through the bars of his pen tail wagging like crazy. So I jumped up and went (this time to find the guy who runs the place) anyone other than the guy who had not helped us the day before. I found Will (guy in charge) I dragged him over to the cage of the puppy I so desperately wanted to take home. He explained to me that puppies had to have a certain amount of adoption requests and the pup I wanted was not up for adoption yet as he had not been given any paperwork yet. Like a switch I turned on the charm. I explained to Will that my partner and I are very active people, we do a lot of hiking and camping and backpacking. We are always outdoors and this little puppy would be the perfect addition to our family. I had prepared our vet information and assured him this would not be our first dog. Will became entranced by our conversation about the outdoors and agreed that we would be a great fit for this dog in front of us. He said to me with a wink that he would need to get a few more adoption requests for this pup during the day, to go home and expect a (wink) phone call from him telling us to come pick up our new puppy in a little bit. I flew home. So excited to tell my partner that I had found the perfect pup. We sat outside on the swing and talked about this handsome little guy. He was all black with a white bib on his chest. My partner was getting excited despite herself. After the previous days disapointment she did not want to get her hopes too high, but I could see in her eyes she was waiting for the phone to ring. And it did!

Meet Marley! He has been a godsend to our home and especially to my partner wether this illness has her curled up on the couch just wanting to end it all or in a hypomanic state this dog is right by her side. He licks her out of bed in the morning and forces her off the couch if she is down they have clocked many miles on the hiking trails together and he has offered her comfort and company in the times I am away from home. He has also given me the security that she is not alone. He is sweet and kind and lovable, if not a little poorly behaved. For my partner having a pet has probably saved her life on more than one occasion and he will forever have my love, respect and gratitude. I love them both more than life itself and it brings me great happiness to see them together.

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What brings your bipolar partner peace?

For mine it is the outdoors. Just the thought of hiking in Algonquin park will bring a smile to my partners face. When she is down in the dumps and is not talking I like to talk about our backpacking trip last year. The sound of loons calling across the lake, the song birds singing above our heads high in the trees, the beautiful trees towering above us in all directions. This conversation seems to be able to pull her out of her own mind if only for a moment.

The camping season is almost upon us and already she is planning a weekend in April. The weather will be cold but my girls heart will be warm. the song birds will be out and the frogs will bee singing their mating songs. We will sit in front of a roaring fire to warm ourselves and retire to the warmth of plenty of blankets sfter the sun has set on the day. This is the on e place she is truly free. The one place she feels connected and at peace. If I could I would move us deep into the wilderness, build us a cabin and learn to live off the land. If I could I would take all her pain and worry,her anxiousness and this terrible illness she is forced to deal with on a regular basis away and allow her to live happy in the place she is so desperatly in love with. I wish I could do this for her. Unfortunately the real world calls and the reality is that even escaping into the wildreness costs money and she would still need her meds, we would need building supplies etc... Until we can figure out how to make that dream a reality, we will plan weekends away and take the dose of natures beauty to get us through to the next time.

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My Brave Warrior

In conclusion to my last post I would like to recognize my partners strength. She truly is inspiring. This transition has been a difficult one for her. TC is tied up in all kinds of feelings and memories of mania. Those feelings are intense, and the memories are of fun and elation, taking risks going out on a limb. Everyday my partner seems to get better and stronger. For her to end this friendship in the midst of her recovery processs took some serious courage. Courage I have to stop and recognize her for. This is one of the reasons I love her so much, her strength. No matter what life has thrown at her (and life in a lot of instances has fed her shit sandwiches) she always comes through fighting. She is a true survivor. I will forever be grateful to have had her in my life. I dont know what the future holds but what I do know that if she continues to fight for her life I will hold the fight for our relationship. I love this girl too much to not show the same courage and fight ofr our relationship as she has shown throughout her life and this illness.

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The End of an Era

A few years ago I made one of the worst decisions I could have made for my partner and I and have spent the last 3 years dealing with the reprocussions of that decision. About 6 years ago the store I was working for got a new manager, in walked this beautiful woman who looked to be in her late 20's, for the first few days with this new manager everything was going well. Then the hammer came down and for the next two years I was abused on a regular basis, it didnt matter how hard I worked or how many hours of my own time I dedicated to this place of business, it was never good enough. One night after night after night of 12+ hour shifts I came in tired and warn down to a note. The tone of the note was mean spirited and accusitory, I lost it, I reacted violently punching out the window to my office and walking out. Something that I am certainly not proud of but I was broken. I just could not take it anymore. I was neglecting my family and friends, I wasnt getting enough sleep and never did anyone utter the words thank you. I took a week stress leave and made an appointment with the regional manager to talk about this situation. He encouraged me during that meeting to go and see my boss and talk things out, he told me that she had saved my job and I owed her the meeting. So off I went to meet with the person who had tipped me off the edge. I was young and stupid and needed her acceptance, I needed to know that I was appreciated. I now know in busness you are always replacable, essentially just a number and not to expect any different. So the meeting went well and she gave me what I needed to hear. Suddenly this woman was my bestfriend. Inviting me for breakfast, after work drinks etc. I fell into the web of distruction. She was feeding my need to be accepted. I was in her hook. If she said jump I would reply how high. This was never more evidant than when she had been transfered to a different location and I felt the need to look for alternate employment. I was offered a job as a supervisor in a wearhouse and offered a yearly salary of $60,000 which I promptly turned down because my old boss called me on the same day and told me she needed my help at her new location. (making half of what I was offered from the wearhouse) Without a second thought I turned down the new position and accepted the transfer offer. Why did I make this decision? Because I felt I owed my boss something. I had gotten used to our new dynamic and I was reacting to her prompt. She said jump, my reply how high.
It was about this time that I desided it would be a good time to introduce my boss to my partner. In my head thinking it would be nice to go for drinks with both of them, not to mention that my boss was an experienced world traveler and we were planning a trip. I thought it would be fun for us all to go together. Off we all trotted to our caribbian destination, and my decision to introduce my partner and my boss and arrange a trip like this all together was clear was not a great decision. From the first night the sparks flew between them. It was like watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my eyes. All my romantic notions of what this caribbian vacation would be went out the window in the first night. I will spare the details besides to say they were inseperable for the whole week, I could not get a moment alone with my partner for the entire vacation. On return from the vacation my partner and boss carried on their new freindship and my partner in her manic state became obsessed with another trip. One which we could not afford. She was determined to go so I sent her and my boss accompinied her. Two weeks after their return my partner and I broke up. She told me that things just were not working between us anymore and we needed to move on and I was heartbroken. She confided in some friends a few weeks later that she was in love with my boss. When I confronted her on the issue she was obviously mad our friend had betrayed her trust but I was happy that I finally had the answer I was looking for. My partner denied that she was in love with my boss replacing love with infatuation and feelings for. But I could see the trouth. After time my partner and I desided to get back together, and all was good. My partner recognized that what she felt for my boss was not real and could never be.
However, she made the decision to remain friends with my boss. Which at first didnt bother me. On occasion we would all go out for drinks, or my boss would come over and we would have drinks. It always ended in some kind of argument with my partner and I. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not allow my insecurities to get in the middle of it all. But I love my partner so much and it breaks me up inside to think of this intense emotional connection she is sharing with another woman. I found myself analizing everything that was said and done during those visits. I could not just relax and have a good time. One night we went out and had dinner and went to a club after,when we got back to (now my old boss) house, she was sick having not eaten enough and drunk too much. My partner the nurturing and caring person she is desided to tuck my boss into bed for the night and we were going to sleep on the couches in the living room. So upstairs they went, and an hour went by then two and my partner had still not returned from tucking in my boss. My imagination went wild. I sat on the couch for the longest time with all of these horrific ideas pouring into my head and never working up the courage to go up and see what was going on. Finally after two and a half hours passed I got up the courage to face what could have been very painful for me and check on them. What I saw when I got to the top of the stairs was the two of them passed out, both fully dressed in what had been worn out that evening and just passed out drunk. Relief washed over me, and I returned to my spot on the couch, about an hour later my partner came downstairs asking me why I didnt come up and wake her up and appoligizing for falling asleep.
I feel so guilty in this whole ordeal. I am ashamed of myself for not placing more trust in my partner. It is just that when this woman is around I feel like the third wheel on my own relationship. Maybe those feelings are unjustified, maybe I have no right to feel angry or insecure or wishing it would all just end. Maybe i have put my partner in a position where she can not put up with the emotional wreck I become as a result of this womans presance in our lives. Maybe i am to blame. I know I am to blame. Yesterday my partner put an end to this friendship, and I came in and was instantly triggered. There was my partner sitting with the computer on her lap in tears over the end of this friendship and all this hurt came bubbling up inside of me. I felt like she was more emotional about ending this friendship with my old boss than she was when we broke up. My fears of her love for this woman even after years is not just love as you would love a friend but feelings of being in love. So here she is trying to do the right thing for herself and for us and I walk in and make her feel worse about it. I feel so bad, so guilty, like it is wrong of me to want so badly for this influence in our lives to be over, so we can get back the love and trust we once had, that I can make the whole process harder. It is hard for me to know that the woman I love and have dedicated my entire adult life too has such strong feelings for someone else. I feel selfish. I was never a jealous person, but my jealousy factor had never been tested before I introduced the friendship between these two explosive people. My jealousy brings me much guilt. I dont want to be that person. I never wanted the arguments or hard feelings, I never wanted the trust issues, I never wanted all of the crazy side effects of this womans influence on our lives. I just want a life with my partner. I love her with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am willing to stand by her to the end no matter what. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty about pressuring her to end this friendship, and I wish it was not so hard for her to do.

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Difficult Days.

Its funny no matter where I am or what I am doing I can sence when something is just not right with my partner. I get this weird gut feeling when something is off which usually prompts me to call home. Perhaps it is because we have been together for 10 years or maybe we have tapped into some kind of psychic communication. Yesterday I was working a 12.5 hour shift at work and by lunch time I felt that something wasnt quite right, but there were so many people in the one room where there is a usable phone that I couldnt call home. So I spent the whole day secretly hoping my partner was safe. When I finnished work I rushed home to find my partner sat up in the lazy boy with the laptop on her lap crying. She had been there all day, fretting over an email and the end of a "friendship".

This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.

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