Insperation

The visit to her friends house a few nights ago has really inspired my partner. Finally a healthy friend in her ife that has offered her positive inspiration. This new friend is very new age, yoga instructer, in touch with your inner self kind of person. Her home is apparently very, zen. My partner came home with a bunch of ideas and motivation to improve upon our cluttered paintless feelingless home. We have lived in the same appartment for seven years and have yet to paint or do any kind of "improvements" with the exception of our bedroom. The walls are hidious to be nice about it. The primer the building so generously put up on the walls has not withstood the test of time. For the past week my partner and I have been studying paint chips and have finally come to decisions about what color each room will be painted.
As well my partner has always wanted and I have always wanted to provide her with a "space" of her own. A place that she can meditate, read and just spend some alone time. The trouble was we could just not see how that would be possible. We do not have a spare room to speak of. What inspired her while at her new friends house was that you can take a space in your home no matter the size and create a space. So in having that inspiration we are in construction of a meditation space for my partner. Finally she can have her own meditation room. She has spent countless hours this week painting and planning the area. From my perspective it is so nice to see her motivated to get something done. The walls are painted in a stunning color (Grounded) and I can see in my minds eye how the area is going to not only be a nice relaxing room for her but also tie beautifully into our living space. We are going to build a "wall" screen out of chain link fence posts and beautiful fabric to seperate the space from our living area. That is the part I am allowed to construct. I am so excited to be able to add to the project. Its been a good week. I will post pictures of the space when it is completed.

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Triggers.

When my partner first began this journey through bipolar 3 years ago the term Trigger rairely came up in our household. We definately experienced triggers, howerver, did not recognize them as such. I thought of them as reactions. (You say or do this... this is how I react) in our home now we have plenty of discussions about triggers. We recognize them, analize them, discuss them all with the hopes of overcoming them. (you say or do this... I am triggered in this way... here is my reaction... how can we change this reaction knowing what the trigger was?) As they say knowledge is power. I think a lot of people use the idea that knowledge is power in terms of education and getting that high paying coorperate job. I see it as a tool to make coping in this world an easier feat. Knowing what your triggers are and tracing them back to a core belief has opened up windows for us. Both of us. Triggers are not something that mentally ill people experience they are experienced by everyone. Perhaps this should be a course in highschool. I think this knowledge can do the world such good. If I had, had this knowledge a decade ago I could have recognized triggers along the way. In the times in my adult life where I was triggered and just reacted blindly (without the knowledge that my reaction is based on a strong core belief about myself) I could have taken a step back and said to myself i am reacting this way because I was triggered by this belief.... Our new knowledge has opened up all kinds of windows and doors of communication. I now know more about my partner and she about me. I know things that trigger her and she knows things that trigger me and we can talk about them. Don't get me wrong we still trigger eachother, but now there is a better understanding of why we react in the ways we do and we can have a mature discussion about it without the fights.
Uncovering your core beliefs is a painful process, coming to the understanding of why you react to certain triggers and what is says about how you feel about yourself is no easy thing. However necessary.
For those who have to date been unaware of this process I will share what my partner has learned and passed the knowledge on to me.

Take a situation that has triggered you and break it down as such,
(example)
Situation:
Your inlaws came over and yelled at you because your house is a mess.

Thoughts:
How dare you come into my home and yell at me. Who do you think you are? etc...

Phycical reaction:
Heart races, face goes red, shaking, headache, etc...

Behaviour:
Start cleaning up, make up excuses for the current state of my home, appoligize, rationalize etc...

What is the core belief that makes this cycle happen:
The believe that other people are more important than you are.

What can be done differently in this situation:
We can understand that we dont have to have excuses. We can say that this is what it is and if they dont like what they see they dont have to stay. We can tell them to call before they come over and tell them today is not a good day for a visit. Etc...

I have learned that core beliefs create nasty cycles that can be worked on and changed. For me a big one is the idea that others needs and feelings are more important than mine, this makes me a yes girl. I have been known to put my needs on the back burner to take care of others needs and wants. All the while experiencing resentment. This knowledge has given me the strength to stop when someone asks me for something and think first, is saying yes to this going to interfear with my own needs and wants before I say yes to it. I am working on claiming back my own self worth. Its not easy its a process and takes a lot of practice, but the process is worth the outcome.

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Regaining Trust

As we all know bipolar people in their illness have a knack for breaking the trust of their loved ones. For some it is the reckless spending of money, for others it is suicide attempts and for some it is sexual in nature or all of the above. Once that trust has been broken the question becomes what does one do with that information? How do you cope? How do you grieve? How do you regain that trust?
They are all good questions, questions to which I do not have the answers. All that I can say it is a process. One which if you choose to travel through and stand by your partners side as I have chosen you must stick your neck out and have faith that, that trust wont be broken again. As well you have to be prepared for the eventuallity that it may. An easy task?? I say nay. However a necessary one.
Why this issue? Why now? Because on the cusp of eliminating TC from our lives and recovering from infadelity with another woman my partner has developed a new friendship. We spent some time talking about the infedelity and TC the other night in relation to this new friendship and my partner has an understandable fear of getting close with people. Essentially she must now learn to trust herself. She must learn to trust that she is capable of having platonic relationships with people that are normal and healty. At the same time putting my own neck out there and putting faith in her ability to develop healthy relationships with people that will not threaten our relationship. Regardless of the trust that has been broken and still in the process of mending I have to throw caution to the wind and put my trust in her in order for her to put that trust back in herself.
So tonight my partner is at her new friends house drinking meditation tea and chatting and I have to trust that is what it really happening. Does the whole concept of what could happen upset me? Sure, but I am coming to reolize that it is my own imagination that is my worst enemy. I can sit here for the next few hours crying about the possibility or I can sit here thinking about how much faith I have in her. Her recovery is going well and she has worked tirelessly on herself, so at this point I have nothing to fear but the fear itself ( I know cleche but it works) So while she is out tonight I am going to complete this post, I am going to drink my hot chocolate and enjoy having the house to myself for a few hours and I am going to trust that this friendship is going to be a positive, healthy, platonic relationship. Because I love her and I value our relationship, there is no relationship without trust and trust we will regain and be stronger for it.

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My love is like a well that never runs dry

I find it rather amazing that the more people with bipolar disorder I speak with the more I hear how this illness has robbed them of their self worth. I have heard a number of people suffering with bipolar express their lack of understanding as to why their partners are still with them. As a partner I am dedicated, faithful, loving and attentive. I simply care deeply for my partner. She has expressed on a number of occasions her confusion on why I stick around and put up with everything that comes with her and this illness. That same sentiment has been expressed by each bipolar person I have conversed with that has a loving, caring partner. Why? It becomes more and more clear to me as I speak to more people with this illness what it is doing to each persons self esteem.
I will not claim to be an expert on bipolar disorder, I have not read any textbooks or studied the illness I can only speak from a place of experience and that is only my experience as a partner of a person suffering with this illness. I don't know about anyone else but I can say from my experience that my partner and I had 7 years of history before this illness reared its ugly head. 7 solid years without this monkey on my partners back. In those 7 years my partner and I became extreamly close, we shared everything, we had trust and respect but most of all an unshakable love. Perhaps if this illness would have presented itself in the first year of our relationship and put my love through the tests it has in the past 3 years then, I would have gone running for the hills. As I sit here today writing this, I can attest to having been tested in all ways possible since this illness has become a part of our lives. But the key is it is our lives, not my partners, because we have a life, together. Therefore, when she is suffering I am suffering, when she hurts I hurt. We have a partnership, and my love spans beyond the difficulties. In the most difficult of times I hold onto the good times, I remember that this time will pass and there will be good times again. I have come to a place of acceptance that the good times may be fleeting but they will present.
I also have a great deal of respect for my partner. She has been working so hard to learn the tools she will need to manage this illness. She was able to put her ego aside and ask for the help that she needs (which in itself is so hard to do) She has taken a proactive roll in her recovery. How can your love not grow when you know how much of a struggle it is just to keep going let alone drag yourself out to mental health meetings and groups and theropy and psycholigists etc... I love her more and more each day because she is trying. It is because she is working so hard that I stand firm beside her and make sure in the most difficult of times for her that she is fed and safe. I am also aware that for whatever suffering this process brings me through it is amplified for her and she would never do this to me on purpose. I know that if she could go back to how she was in the first 7 years of our relationship she would. I also know that in the times that she has wanted to end her life although with twisted logic she was thinking it would be better for me, if she was not around. This of course is not the case if she did end her life I would be terribly hurt, I am not sure that I would ever recover from something like that, and my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
So why to I stick around? I stick around because I care, I love her regardless of wether she can recipricate that feeling, regardless of what this illness throws our way, my love is unconditional. In my eyes my partner is worth all of it. She is funny, smart, exciting, loving, caring, beautiful, kind and strong. I know that all her qualities are there even if at the peaks of this illness she can not express them, they are there. They are there and I am here, when she gets back from chasing rainbows or crawls out of the sub basement of hell I will still be here.

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Devine Intervention

Near the beginning of our relationship we were givin the wonderful little dog you see above. His name is Scoop (lovingly called Scoopy) he belonged to my uncle who desided one day he would like a more manly dog and offered up this little gem to us. If you are looking repeatedly at the picture trying to figure out exactly what that is, he was a Chinese Crested Hairless dog and the kindest, sweetest most lovable dogs you would ever want to meet. My partner was all about this dog, they spent all their time together, at any moment you could catch them curled up somewhere together. About two years ago in the height of my partners illness Scoop also became ill. He was the runt of his litter and his life expectancy was 8-10 years. At this point he was over 10 years old and had become blind, he also developed a bad cold. We did for his cold what we had done for his whole life, vicks on his little chest and vitamin C, only the cold got worse and worse. He was so congested that breathing was hard, he was lathargic etc. The vet advised us to put him down stating he was past his life expectancy and if we did spend the obscene amount of money to cure his current illness, he was already blind and he would surely become sick again. So we sat down and made the most difficult decision we had ever made as a couple, to put down this little guy who was so much a part of our family.

It was so painful to have to make that decision that we desided we would not get another dog, for neither of us wanted to go through that again. As time passed we longed more and more for a four legged little friend to meet us at the door. but most importantly for my partner to have some company while I was away at work. It had been difficult for her 8 or more hours a day alone in our home with her toughts and bipolar disorder distorting those thoughts into often painful ideas. She needed something that could distract her thoughts, something that would force her off the couch and out into the world. So one day I suggested we go to the Humaine Society and see if there is a dog there for us. With excitement and apprehension in her eyes we hopped in the car and took the trip to the Humaine Society where she fell in love with this little white dog sporting a bandana around his neck. We enquired about this dog and were told that we would have to wait until the following monday because he was a stray and they allow a certain amount of time for the rightful owners to claim the dog. My partner was devistated, she didnt want to look at anymore dogs she just wanted that one. So we handed in our application and went home. She was convinced that they just didnt want to give us the dog and it would be gone by Monday, she was so upset. So the next day Sunday I desided I would return to the Humaine Society first to see if my partners little dog was still there. I was determined not to leave that place without a new pet for my partner. I would not come home empty handed. Upon arrival I discovered my partner was right. They had adopted the dog she wanted to someone else the day before. Now I was on a mission. I must have walked around that place 100 times. If I had to go to 30 different shelters I would not be going home empty handed! I was looking hard trying to avoid the agressive dogs, the yappy dogs, the sick dogs etc. As I was making my final pass i came across this beautiful pup. He didnt yet have any papers or name he was just Male LabX. I fell in love he looked so happy, he was licking me through the bars of his pen tail wagging like crazy. So I jumped up and went (this time to find the guy who runs the place) anyone other than the guy who had not helped us the day before. I found Will (guy in charge) I dragged him over to the cage of the puppy I so desperately wanted to take home. He explained to me that puppies had to have a certain amount of adoption requests and the pup I wanted was not up for adoption yet as he had not been given any paperwork yet. Like a switch I turned on the charm. I explained to Will that my partner and I are very active people, we do a lot of hiking and camping and backpacking. We are always outdoors and this little puppy would be the perfect addition to our family. I had prepared our vet information and assured him this would not be our first dog. Will became entranced by our conversation about the outdoors and agreed that we would be a great fit for this dog in front of us. He said to me with a wink that he would need to get a few more adoption requests for this pup during the day, to go home and expect a (wink) phone call from him telling us to come pick up our new puppy in a little bit. I flew home. So excited to tell my partner that I had found the perfect pup. We sat outside on the swing and talked about this handsome little guy. He was all black with a white bib on his chest. My partner was getting excited despite herself. After the previous days disapointment she did not want to get her hopes too high, but I could see in her eyes she was waiting for the phone to ring. And it did!

Meet Marley! He has been a godsend to our home and especially to my partner wether this illness has her curled up on the couch just wanting to end it all or in a hypomanic state this dog is right by her side. He licks her out of bed in the morning and forces her off the couch if she is down they have clocked many miles on the hiking trails together and he has offered her comfort and company in the times I am away from home. He has also given me the security that she is not alone. He is sweet and kind and lovable, if not a little poorly behaved. For my partner having a pet has probably saved her life on more than one occasion and he will forever have my love, respect and gratitude. I love them both more than life itself and it brings me great happiness to see them together.

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What brings your bipolar partner peace?

For mine it is the outdoors. Just the thought of hiking in Algonquin park will bring a smile to my partners face. When she is down in the dumps and is not talking I like to talk about our backpacking trip last year. The sound of loons calling across the lake, the song birds singing above our heads high in the trees, the beautiful trees towering above us in all directions. This conversation seems to be able to pull her out of her own mind if only for a moment.

The camping season is almost upon us and already she is planning a weekend in April. The weather will be cold but my girls heart will be warm. the song birds will be out and the frogs will bee singing their mating songs. We will sit in front of a roaring fire to warm ourselves and retire to the warmth of plenty of blankets sfter the sun has set on the day. This is the on e place she is truly free. The one place she feels connected and at peace. If I could I would move us deep into the wilderness, build us a cabin and learn to live off the land. If I could I would take all her pain and worry,her anxiousness and this terrible illness she is forced to deal with on a regular basis away and allow her to live happy in the place she is so desperatly in love with. I wish I could do this for her. Unfortunately the real world calls and the reality is that even escaping into the wildreness costs money and she would still need her meds, we would need building supplies etc... Until we can figure out how to make that dream a reality, we will plan weekends away and take the dose of natures beauty to get us through to the next time.

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My Brave Warrior

In conclusion to my last post I would like to recognize my partners strength. She truly is inspiring. This transition has been a difficult one for her. TC is tied up in all kinds of feelings and memories of mania. Those feelings are intense, and the memories are of fun and elation, taking risks going out on a limb. Everyday my partner seems to get better and stronger. For her to end this friendship in the midst of her recovery processs took some serious courage. Courage I have to stop and recognize her for. This is one of the reasons I love her so much, her strength. No matter what life has thrown at her (and life in a lot of instances has fed her shit sandwiches) she always comes through fighting. She is a true survivor. I will forever be grateful to have had her in my life. I dont know what the future holds but what I do know that if she continues to fight for her life I will hold the fight for our relationship. I love this girl too much to not show the same courage and fight ofr our relationship as she has shown throughout her life and this illness.

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