5 Things

5 Things I Love
-My partner
-My puppy
-My family
-Summer
-The outdoors

5 things I always wanted to do

-Travel the world
-Make a career of my photography
-Build a home with my bare hands
-Live off the land
-Take pictures of a secluded waterfall in a far away place

5 of my favorite people

-My partner
-My mother in law
-My mother
-My siblings
-Me

5 things i like to do with my time

-Read
-Visual Arts
-Camp (be in nature)
-Be around good friends
-Enjoy a glass of wine with my girl

5 things I dislike

-Mental illness
-Liers
-Money
-Living in the city
-Dreams unreolized

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Depression

I don't know what is worse, depression or mania. Both have their major downfalls. Mania comes with excessive spending, arguments, insecurity etc. Yet depression makes me feel so helpless. When the world is so unfair and things just tumble downhill. It pains me that I dont have the words in me to make everything okay for my partner in her depressions. What is inside of me, all the love and patience is never enough. I can't spill my overflowing heart into hers to give her hope and ease that pain.

I know this too shall pass. Depressions have come and gone for her over and over in the past three years, but each one is like a fresh slice with the worlds sword. It sits shining in the corner, edge gleaming like it has been freshly sharpened and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And I am powerless against it. I want to whack it against a boulder a thousand times until I fall exhausted against the boulder with the dull sword chiming with each bounce off the floor beside me, never to be sharpened again. Alas there it sits shining and untouchable.

This week has been difficult for my partner, thus difficult for me. I want for my soft words and gentle caresses to sooth the pain I know I cant touch. I want my words to mean so much and make so much sence in my partners bipolar mind, that the depression would just fall aside, the usless blob of bull shit that it is. I want so badly to be able to make her well, to just hand to her in a beautifully gift wrapped package, confidance, happiness, clairity, stability and a life full of wonder. I am restricted to gentle words, caresses and all the love and patience that I have in my heart. I will pour my love relentlessly over her depression until enough drips through to bring a smile to her face and hope to her heart. Until then I shower my love with all my heart has to offer.

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CPP and their Liers Win Policies

Bipolar disorder has ripped apart my partners life and sence of self in so many ways I dont have time to name here. She was layed off from her job of 10 years almost 3 years ago and Bipolar moved in in its place. Since that time she has been working tirelessly on herself trying to come to a place of greater understanding of this illness that has taken control of her life. She made a brave attempt to work about two years ago and it resulted in a major emotional breakdown that led to a visit to our local crisis center.
With only my income we struggle financially. After paying bills and gassing my car there is little left for anything else. This financial struggle has not helped my partners emotional recovery, she feels an enormous amount of guilt. We have been trying for quite some time to get her financial assistance. We were told by Ontario disability that I make too much money (even though on my income alone we are below the poverty line) they said that she would have a better chance with CPP Disability because she contributed to it for over 10 years. So an application and multiple Dr's forms later, she was declined for CPP too. Why? Because she stated on her application that she had a goal of returning to work next year. Apparently she was not aware of how to play the CPP/ Gov't Assistance game. Rejected for having a goal, for being honest about that goal and for being honest throughout the whole ordeal. People wonder why Joe Blow down the street is on gov't assistance when there is nothing wrong with him, this is the honest answer. He knows how to lie and play the game. Yet people with mental illness and morals, now have to get a lawer and appeal the decision.
We teach our kids honesty is the best policy. Remeber to also teach them if they need anything from the gov't to lie through their teeth.

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Farm Girls!

On Saturday morning I went to a small town outside of Kitchener calls St. Claments, to pic my partner up. She had spent a few days in Grand Bend and came to St. Claments with her friends to their daughters farm for their anniversary party. We arrived at precicely the same moment (actually if trouth be told I would have been there about 5 minutes earlier but I missed the farm and went 5km in the wrong direction) We had decided the night before over the phone to stay at the farm overnight on Saturday.
Can I just say I love farm life? Okay I am saying it I love farm life! The farm is just a small hobby farm which is just perfect for me. They have two horses and some chickens so far. Other than that the farm is a beautiful 5 acres of property that is tree lined with a beautiful pond near the back. This property has a nice two bedroom farm house and a nice two bedroom appartment above the garage. My partner and I fell in love with the appartment. you go up a flight of stairs on the side of the garage to a small deck, as you enter the appartment the kitchen is on the left, it has an old table and chairs but what really caught our eye was the bench seat behind the table it curves in a L and seats 3 people along one side and the back of the table. Then you enter a door into the living room which is a large space that looks out over the property, off the living room there is another large room it looks like it may have been used as a dining room, I would probably take down the wall that seperates the two rooms and make it an open concept living/dining area perhaps put a bar in the space as well. the bedrooms are through another door. In the hallway there is a stairway that leads down to another room and out into the garage. The master bedroom is a fair size and has exposed slanted ceiling, this room looks out to the horses. The second bedroom is mall but still with the slanted ceiling and would make a great meditation room. The bathroom is well its a bathroom. When you go down the stairs you come out in a room that has a big fireplace against the wall there is also a wood burning stove in the room to heat the appartment in the winter. I would make this room very comfortable, I have always wanted a place with a fireplace. The wood burning stove is an added bonus!
So my partner and I are laying in the apartment Saturday night just revaling in how much we love it. It felt so much like home. It was so comfortable. Even the dog was comfortable. The apartment is definately a place I could see myself living.
In the morning I got to drive the tractor! I love the whole idea, having a nice quiet, private place to live. Helping out around the farm. Feeding horses and chickens, building different things on the farm. Our friends that owned the farm in the morning asked me how the appartment was, my reply. "you mean our appartment is was wonderful. I love it" She said we will talk... They are looking for someone to rent the appartment and well they just may have some takers if they can wait until January, and if I can find some way to make money out there. It is close to Kitchener so I dont think I would have too much of a problem.
In the mean time if they want to rent the place to us in the next year, there is so much that I would like to do. My head is swimming with the possibility.

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A Crazy Day in the Neighbourhood

We decided last night that I would go to work a little early this morning due to the fact we would be a little understaffed today. I could pick up the slack for a little while. So I trott in an hour and 45 minutes early and sit down at my desk. I don't even get logged into the system and my phone is ringing,have everyone log off the system we are going to do some upgrades! On a friday. Afternoon! They have to be kidding. I should say that I work for a company that takes emergency calls for elevators across Canada as well as maintenance and repair calls, on average we recieve more than 2000 calls daily. Working off the system is like a surgan doing your stiches blindfolded. When you are off the system where I work you cant dispatch the calls because it tells you what mechanic takes the calls, it also houses all of the phone extensions for the whole company. So for 20 minutes we are forced to take manual calls and wait to dispatch them until we can get back on the system. Finally it is time to boogy and we discover the upgrades have caused all kinds of system errors which kick us out of the system everytime we save a change or dipatch a call. Back off the system again. and this cycles all day long! Finally they kick us off the system for a final time so they can remove the system "upgrades" so we can get the job done efficiently for once. The fun doesnt stop here though now you have 40 calls on the screen that need to be dispatched and mechanics yelling because the calls are a frw hours old. I don't blame them for being upset about it though, they are on the road and now need to rush around to a bunch of calls in an hour or two that they should have had spread out throughout the day.

I got home tonight tossed my bag on the couch and thought to myself home sweet home, and TGIF! I have to do some laundry tonight but I intend to lay around for most of the evening with my book and a bottle of water and relax. I think I earned an evening off!

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All You Can Eat Sushi With Rules

Last night I had plans with some friends from work, we went to dinner at a resturant that offered all you can eat sushi. Now sushi is one of those foods that looks like you can eat a lot but once you get started you fill up fast. The resturant was not an all you can eat buffet so some people order a course from the menu and others can order all you can eat which for $17 you can pick anything you want off the menu. What I didn't know is that you have to finish what is on your plate or they charge you for each thing you ordered individually. So being causious, I ordered vegitable tempura, salmon rolls and Las Vegas rolls, thinking I am hungry I can eat 12 pieces of sushi. Apparently my eyes are bigger than my stomach because 1/2 of the tempura and 8 pieces of sushi later I could bairly breath. If I payed for each item individually dinner would have cost me near $40 but only half of that if I could finish what was on my plate. Another rule is you cant share. So there were three other people at the table I could not pass this extra food on to. When the waitress went in the back to get someone elses order I quickly tossed some of the sushi on my plate to one of my friends who had ordered the same thing. I then went outside for a smoke thinking if I waited a few minutes I may be able to squeeze in the last of the food in front of me. Not so much. There were two pieces of Las Vagas rolls staring up at me from the plate and a few more pieces of tempura. I am sitting there staring back at the plate thinking I don't want to pay twice as much for dinner because I can't eat this little bit of food left..... So, I put my hands in my jacket pocket and eurika! There was a bag in my pocket, a vacant pick up bag left from a previous walk with the dog! Thank God. When the moment presented itself I quickly took the remaining food from my plate and disposed of it in the bag, secretly thanking god that I didnt have to choke down the rest of what I knew wouldnt fit in my stomach. Needless to say I will NEVER order the all you can eat sushi from the menu again. I felt like a little kid whose parents wont allow to get up from the table until they finish all their veggies. I was so full I wanted to cry looking down at my plate thinking I am going to be here all night. Saved!

We then moved on to one of the local gay bars to watch a drag show. The show was scheduled to start at 11pm. But like most things with gay boys it ran late. 12am the show starts and the bar fills up. It was very much worth the wait! Not only was the show great but we went on the introduction night for Smirnoff Black Ice and got free drinks out of the deal too! You can't ask for a better deal than that.
I forgot to forewarn my streight co-worker friends of my known antics with gay boys at clubs... Oops! I will proclaim loud and proud that I Love Gay Boys! Love them. I always have and I attract them like a big ol' lesbian magnet! Get enough drinks in me and I have been known to make out with them. There is not feelings there which makes it all the more fun, I dont want them they dont want me, so what the hell. It didn't get to that point last night because I have to work this morning, I am too old to play too hard on school nights! So I will say they got a small taste of Jenn with the gay mens... LOL.. It was just a little shocking to them to see me react that way to men period. The night was so much fun, I haven't had the opportunity to go out and have fun like that in a while. It was really nice. Just don't order the all you can eat sushi if you cant eat all you think you can!

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Time apart

There was a time long ago that my partner and I were inseperable. We wanted to be with eachother at all times. It was painful to be apart, a few days seemed like an eternaty. I would well up with tears as she left the house to go visit a friend for a few days, thinking how much I was going to miss her. How could we be apart? How could I sleep in our bed without her breathing next to me? Every moment apart felt like an eternity. I would despriately try to find something to fill my time with while she was away. I would busy myself with housework, friends, extra hours at work. I could never just sit back and enjoy having the house to myself.

Now after ten years together and some difficult times we have come to the reolization that some time apart every now and then is healthy. Having friends that we can enjoy the company of without eachother is healthy.
Today I will be taking my partner to her friends in Grand Bend, where she will be staying until the weekend. In past history for a few days before a trip like this I would feel needy and clingy, I would feel the need to suck up all the love and attention I could get from my partner before she were to leave. Today I would be emotional, it would feel almost like loss, like she was going forever even though I knew logically it was only for a few days. Now I joke about it, last night we were laying in bed and I turned to my partner and said (sarcasticly) "you are LEAVING me! Forever!" And we laugh. She comes back with "you are right, I am running away to Grand Bend and never comeing back... So your coming to pick me up on Saturday?" We laugh some more.

It is nice to no longer feel that insecurity, to be able to enjoy my time alone. I have to work everyday that she is away but on Wednesday I have a work function in the evening, on Thursday I am going to dinner with some friends and Friday I will just spend my evening here at home reading and relaxing. I will miss my partner when she is away, I like to come home to her beautiful face each night. I like to hear her voice before I drift off to sleep, etc. But missing her is different now than it used to be, it is no longer a desperate feeling. No longer does a few days feel like an eternaty without her. The time will pass and before I know it she will be back home and her voice will be the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep.

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