This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Difficult Days.
Its funny no matter where I am or what I am doing I can sence when something is just not right with my partner. I get this weird gut feeling when something is off which usually prompts me to call home. Perhaps it is because we have been together for 10 years or maybe we have tapped into some kind of psychic communication. Yesterday I was working a 12.5 hour shift at work and by lunch time I felt that something wasnt quite right, but there were so many people in the one room where there is a usable phone that I couldnt call home. So I spent the whole day secretly hoping my partner was safe. When I finnished work I rushed home to find my partner sat up in the lazy boy with the laptop on her lap crying. She had been there all day, fretting over an email and the end of a "friendship".
This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.
This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment