Friday, March 7, 2008
My Brave Warrior
In conclusion to my last post I would like to recognize my partners strength. She truly is inspiring. This transition has been a difficult one for her. TC is tied up in all kinds of feelings and memories of mania. Those feelings are intense, and the memories are of fun and elation, taking risks going out on a limb. Everyday my partner seems to get better and stronger. For her to end this friendship in the midst of her recovery processs took some serious courage. Courage I have to stop and recognize her for. This is one of the reasons I love her so much, her strength. No matter what life has thrown at her (and life in a lot of instances has fed her shit sandwiches) she always comes through fighting. She is a true survivor. I will forever be grateful to have had her in my life. I dont know what the future holds but what I do know that if she continues to fight for her life I will hold the fight for our relationship. I love this girl too much to not show the same courage and fight ofr our relationship as she has shown throughout her life and this illness.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The End of an Era
A few years ago I made one of the worst decisions I could have made for my partner and I and have spent the last 3 years dealing with the reprocussions of that decision. About 6 years ago the store I was working for got a new manager, in walked this beautiful woman who looked to be in her late 20's, for the first few days with this new manager everything was going well. Then the hammer came down and for the next two years I was abused on a regular basis, it didnt matter how hard I worked or how many hours of my own time I dedicated to this place of business, it was never good enough. One night after night after night of 12+ hour shifts I came in tired and warn down to a note. The tone of the note was mean spirited and accusitory, I lost it, I reacted violently punching out the window to my office and walking out. Something that I am certainly not proud of but I was broken. I just could not take it anymore. I was neglecting my family and friends, I wasnt getting enough sleep and never did anyone utter the words thank you. I took a week stress leave and made an appointment with the regional manager to talk about this situation. He encouraged me during that meeting to go and see my boss and talk things out, he told me that she had saved my job and I owed her the meeting. So off I went to meet with the person who had tipped me off the edge. I was young and stupid and needed her acceptance, I needed to know that I was appreciated. I now know in busness you are always replacable, essentially just a number and not to expect any different. So the meeting went well and she gave me what I needed to hear. Suddenly this woman was my bestfriend. Inviting me for breakfast, after work drinks etc. I fell into the web of distruction. She was feeding my need to be accepted. I was in her hook. If she said jump I would reply how high. This was never more evidant than when she had been transfered to a different location and I felt the need to look for alternate employment. I was offered a job as a supervisor in a wearhouse and offered a yearly salary of $60,000 which I promptly turned down because my old boss called me on the same day and told me she needed my help at her new location. (making half of what I was offered from the wearhouse) Without a second thought I turned down the new position and accepted the transfer offer. Why did I make this decision? Because I felt I owed my boss something. I had gotten used to our new dynamic and I was reacting to her prompt. She said jump, my reply how high.
It was about this time that I desided it would be a good time to introduce my boss to my partner. In my head thinking it would be nice to go for drinks with both of them, not to mention that my boss was an experienced world traveler and we were planning a trip. I thought it would be fun for us all to go together. Off we all trotted to our caribbian destination, and my decision to introduce my partner and my boss and arrange a trip like this all together was clear was not a great decision. From the first night the sparks flew between them. It was like watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my eyes. All my romantic notions of what this caribbian vacation would be went out the window in the first night. I will spare the details besides to say they were inseperable for the whole week, I could not get a moment alone with my partner for the entire vacation. On return from the vacation my partner and boss carried on their new freindship and my partner in her manic state became obsessed with another trip. One which we could not afford. She was determined to go so I sent her and my boss accompinied her. Two weeks after their return my partner and I broke up. She told me that things just were not working between us anymore and we needed to move on and I was heartbroken. She confided in some friends a few weeks later that she was in love with my boss. When I confronted her on the issue she was obviously mad our friend had betrayed her trust but I was happy that I finally had the answer I was looking for. My partner denied that she was in love with my boss replacing love with infatuation and feelings for. But I could see the trouth. After time my partner and I desided to get back together, and all was good. My partner recognized that what she felt for my boss was not real and could never be.
However, she made the decision to remain friends with my boss. Which at first didnt bother me. On occasion we would all go out for drinks, or my boss would come over and we would have drinks. It always ended in some kind of argument with my partner and I. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not allow my insecurities to get in the middle of it all. But I love my partner so much and it breaks me up inside to think of this intense emotional connection she is sharing with another woman. I found myself analizing everything that was said and done during those visits. I could not just relax and have a good time. One night we went out and had dinner and went to a club after,when we got back to (now my old boss) house, she was sick having not eaten enough and drunk too much. My partner the nurturing and caring person she is desided to tuck my boss into bed for the night and we were going to sleep on the couches in the living room. So upstairs they went, and an hour went by then two and my partner had still not returned from tucking in my boss. My imagination went wild. I sat on the couch for the longest time with all of these horrific ideas pouring into my head and never working up the courage to go up and see what was going on. Finally after two and a half hours passed I got up the courage to face what could have been very painful for me and check on them. What I saw when I got to the top of the stairs was the two of them passed out, both fully dressed in what had been worn out that evening and just passed out drunk. Relief washed over me, and I returned to my spot on the couch, about an hour later my partner came downstairs asking me why I didnt come up and wake her up and appoligizing for falling asleep.
I feel so guilty in this whole ordeal. I am ashamed of myself for not placing more trust in my partner. It is just that when this woman is around I feel like the third wheel on my own relationship. Maybe those feelings are unjustified, maybe I have no right to feel angry or insecure or wishing it would all just end. Maybe i have put my partner in a position where she can not put up with the emotional wreck I become as a result of this womans presance in our lives. Maybe i am to blame. I know I am to blame. Yesterday my partner put an end to this friendship, and I came in and was instantly triggered. There was my partner sitting with the computer on her lap in tears over the end of this friendship and all this hurt came bubbling up inside of me. I felt like she was more emotional about ending this friendship with my old boss than she was when we broke up. My fears of her love for this woman even after years is not just love as you would love a friend but feelings of being in love. So here she is trying to do the right thing for herself and for us and I walk in and make her feel worse about it. I feel so bad, so guilty, like it is wrong of me to want so badly for this influence in our lives to be over, so we can get back the love and trust we once had, that I can make the whole process harder. It is hard for me to know that the woman I love and have dedicated my entire adult life too has such strong feelings for someone else. I feel selfish. I was never a jealous person, but my jealousy factor had never been tested before I introduced the friendship between these two explosive people. My jealousy brings me much guilt. I dont want to be that person. I never wanted the arguments or hard feelings, I never wanted the trust issues, I never wanted all of the crazy side effects of this womans influence on our lives. I just want a life with my partner. I love her with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am willing to stand by her to the end no matter what. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty about pressuring her to end this friendship, and I wish it was not so hard for her to do.
It was about this time that I desided it would be a good time to introduce my boss to my partner. In my head thinking it would be nice to go for drinks with both of them, not to mention that my boss was an experienced world traveler and we were planning a trip. I thought it would be fun for us all to go together. Off we all trotted to our caribbian destination, and my decision to introduce my partner and my boss and arrange a trip like this all together was clear was not a great decision. From the first night the sparks flew between them. It was like watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my eyes. All my romantic notions of what this caribbian vacation would be went out the window in the first night. I will spare the details besides to say they were inseperable for the whole week, I could not get a moment alone with my partner for the entire vacation. On return from the vacation my partner and boss carried on their new freindship and my partner in her manic state became obsessed with another trip. One which we could not afford. She was determined to go so I sent her and my boss accompinied her. Two weeks after their return my partner and I broke up. She told me that things just were not working between us anymore and we needed to move on and I was heartbroken. She confided in some friends a few weeks later that she was in love with my boss. When I confronted her on the issue she was obviously mad our friend had betrayed her trust but I was happy that I finally had the answer I was looking for. My partner denied that she was in love with my boss replacing love with infatuation and feelings for. But I could see the trouth. After time my partner and I desided to get back together, and all was good. My partner recognized that what she felt for my boss was not real and could never be.
However, she made the decision to remain friends with my boss. Which at first didnt bother me. On occasion we would all go out for drinks, or my boss would come over and we would have drinks. It always ended in some kind of argument with my partner and I. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not allow my insecurities to get in the middle of it all. But I love my partner so much and it breaks me up inside to think of this intense emotional connection she is sharing with another woman. I found myself analizing everything that was said and done during those visits. I could not just relax and have a good time. One night we went out and had dinner and went to a club after,when we got back to (now my old boss) house, she was sick having not eaten enough and drunk too much. My partner the nurturing and caring person she is desided to tuck my boss into bed for the night and we were going to sleep on the couches in the living room. So upstairs they went, and an hour went by then two and my partner had still not returned from tucking in my boss. My imagination went wild. I sat on the couch for the longest time with all of these horrific ideas pouring into my head and never working up the courage to go up and see what was going on. Finally after two and a half hours passed I got up the courage to face what could have been very painful for me and check on them. What I saw when I got to the top of the stairs was the two of them passed out, both fully dressed in what had been worn out that evening and just passed out drunk. Relief washed over me, and I returned to my spot on the couch, about an hour later my partner came downstairs asking me why I didnt come up and wake her up and appoligizing for falling asleep.
I feel so guilty in this whole ordeal. I am ashamed of myself for not placing more trust in my partner. It is just that when this woman is around I feel like the third wheel on my own relationship. Maybe those feelings are unjustified, maybe I have no right to feel angry or insecure or wishing it would all just end. Maybe i have put my partner in a position where she can not put up with the emotional wreck I become as a result of this womans presance in our lives. Maybe i am to blame. I know I am to blame. Yesterday my partner put an end to this friendship, and I came in and was instantly triggered. There was my partner sitting with the computer on her lap in tears over the end of this friendship and all this hurt came bubbling up inside of me. I felt like she was more emotional about ending this friendship with my old boss than she was when we broke up. My fears of her love for this woman even after years is not just love as you would love a friend but feelings of being in love. So here she is trying to do the right thing for herself and for us and I walk in and make her feel worse about it. I feel so bad, so guilty, like it is wrong of me to want so badly for this influence in our lives to be over, so we can get back the love and trust we once had, that I can make the whole process harder. It is hard for me to know that the woman I love and have dedicated my entire adult life too has such strong feelings for someone else. I feel selfish. I was never a jealous person, but my jealousy factor had never been tested before I introduced the friendship between these two explosive people. My jealousy brings me much guilt. I dont want to be that person. I never wanted the arguments or hard feelings, I never wanted the trust issues, I never wanted all of the crazy side effects of this womans influence on our lives. I just want a life with my partner. I love her with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am willing to stand by her to the end no matter what. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty about pressuring her to end this friendship, and I wish it was not so hard for her to do.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Difficult Days.
Its funny no matter where I am or what I am doing I can sence when something is just not right with my partner. I get this weird gut feeling when something is off which usually prompts me to call home. Perhaps it is because we have been together for 10 years or maybe we have tapped into some kind of psychic communication. Yesterday I was working a 12.5 hour shift at work and by lunch time I felt that something wasnt quite right, but there were so many people in the one room where there is a usable phone that I couldnt call home. So I spent the whole day secretly hoping my partner was safe. When I finnished work I rushed home to find my partner sat up in the lazy boy with the laptop on her lap crying. She had been there all day, fretting over an email and the end of a "friendship".
This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.
This "friend" has some kind of invisable control over my partner. It is like (we will call this person TC) TC has my partner on strings and plays her like a puppet whenever the mood hits. TC will dissapear for months at a time with no contact then just like that she will pop back up and my partner reacts every time. So here we are and TC has not contacted either of us for over a month, things are going well, my partners mood has been good, she has been enjoying her theropy, opening up and talking to me. We are on the upswing. Then just like that TC spews out an email and Crash! It is important to understand that TC has been the cause of much heart ache and pain, both individually and as a couple. So over the past month and a half my partner and I have had many conversations regarding the damage this person has inflicted on us and the need to eliminate said person from our lives, in the persuit of happiness. My partner always holds hope that TC will just have had enough of us and simply stop calling and emailing. This is never the case and we have hung around like sitting ducks for her next enterance so many times I can no longer count them. So yesterday my partner desided that it was time to end this "friendship". Here is where I get to the point that as hard as I try there are certain things about this illness we all call bipolar that I just cant seem to wrap my head around. This intensity of emotion, Monday we were discussing the need to eliminate TC from our lives and my partner was saying without emotion how much better she feels the longer TC is away. Then an email later she is a sobbing mess on the lazy boy for a whole day trying to work up the courage to type in the works "this has got to end". For me when I had had enough of TC I simply stopped communicating. It wasnt healthy, I ended it. I stopped responding to her emails, didnt take her phone calls, stopped making plans to meet up and at this point she doesnt even try to contact me. To me it is as simple as hitting the delete button, simply stop the cycle. For my partner it is not that simple, she is an emotional person and feels the need for explinations and grand exits. TC was the reason behind a temporary break up of our relationship and as I stand today I no longer want to share my partner with this person. But at the same point I never want to put my partner in a position where she has to choose between me and others. I dont ever want her to look back on her life and regret ending relationships with people based on my desire for her not to see them. I am torn between this and missing the days when I was worry free. The days that my partner only had eyes for me, the false sence of security I placed on our "unshakable" relationship. Since this disease crept into our lives that sence of security has all but ceased. I have shared my partner emotionally and physically, I have been worried for years that one of these people I have been sharing her with will put a perminant end to our relationship, yet i feel guilty for trying to protect it. When I try to discuss these situations with reasoning I manage to say all the wrong things. I can never seem to communicate my thoughts and feelings accurately and my partner takes what I say as personal assults. Yesterday after finding out she had spent the whole day working on this goodbye email I commented that she has spent more time on this TC than she does on anyone else. By saying that all I was trying to do was understand. Understand why it would take a whole day to say goodbye, to someone two days ago she was saying she hoped would not contact her anymore. It simply doesnt make sence to me. Like I said before I would have hit the delete button and gone on with my life. However for my partner this email had her in emotional upheaval for the whole day. The comment I made turned her from sad to angry in a split second. She translated what I had said into... I think it is stupid for her to do this... that she is stupid... and that is not what had entered my head at all. I just want my partner and us to have our lives back, back to a changed version of what it was. A life where I dont have to worry about our friends coming between our relationship. A life surrounded with friends who are not trying to cause us problems, where I can trust that said friends are not trying to get us to cheat on eachother, or using the problems that come up as a way to plant seeds of doubt in each of us. Friends that will listen when we have problems but not try to create more. I am not perfect nor is my partner but if our friends truly cared about either of us they would respect our relationship. TC does not. Nor has she ever. It frusterates me to see that TC has enough control over my spouce to have her spend a full day fretting the email where she finally says enough is enough. To take her from a place of relitave stability to a day of sobbing in just a few words typed in hotmail. After a day of emotionally draining email goodbye my partner fell into bed exhaused having not completed the email that she will experience all again today. I dread the responce she will get from TC as I am sure that will be another difficult day.
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