The End of an Era

A few years ago I made one of the worst decisions I could have made for my partner and I and have spent the last 3 years dealing with the reprocussions of that decision. About 6 years ago the store I was working for got a new manager, in walked this beautiful woman who looked to be in her late 20's, for the first few days with this new manager everything was going well. Then the hammer came down and for the next two years I was abused on a regular basis, it didnt matter how hard I worked or how many hours of my own time I dedicated to this place of business, it was never good enough. One night after night after night of 12+ hour shifts I came in tired and warn down to a note. The tone of the note was mean spirited and accusitory, I lost it, I reacted violently punching out the window to my office and walking out. Something that I am certainly not proud of but I was broken. I just could not take it anymore. I was neglecting my family and friends, I wasnt getting enough sleep and never did anyone utter the words thank you. I took a week stress leave and made an appointment with the regional manager to talk about this situation. He encouraged me during that meeting to go and see my boss and talk things out, he told me that she had saved my job and I owed her the meeting. So off I went to meet with the person who had tipped me off the edge. I was young and stupid and needed her acceptance, I needed to know that I was appreciated. I now know in busness you are always replacable, essentially just a number and not to expect any different. So the meeting went well and she gave me what I needed to hear. Suddenly this woman was my bestfriend. Inviting me for breakfast, after work drinks etc. I fell into the web of distruction. She was feeding my need to be accepted. I was in her hook. If she said jump I would reply how high. This was never more evidant than when she had been transfered to a different location and I felt the need to look for alternate employment. I was offered a job as a supervisor in a wearhouse and offered a yearly salary of $60,000 which I promptly turned down because my old boss called me on the same day and told me she needed my help at her new location. (making half of what I was offered from the wearhouse) Without a second thought I turned down the new position and accepted the transfer offer. Why did I make this decision? Because I felt I owed my boss something. I had gotten used to our new dynamic and I was reacting to her prompt. She said jump, my reply how high.
It was about this time that I desided it would be a good time to introduce my boss to my partner. In my head thinking it would be nice to go for drinks with both of them, not to mention that my boss was an experienced world traveler and we were planning a trip. I thought it would be fun for us all to go together. Off we all trotted to our caribbian destination, and my decision to introduce my partner and my boss and arrange a trip like this all together was clear was not a great decision. From the first night the sparks flew between them. It was like watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my eyes. All my romantic notions of what this caribbian vacation would be went out the window in the first night. I will spare the details besides to say they were inseperable for the whole week, I could not get a moment alone with my partner for the entire vacation. On return from the vacation my partner and boss carried on their new freindship and my partner in her manic state became obsessed with another trip. One which we could not afford. She was determined to go so I sent her and my boss accompinied her. Two weeks after their return my partner and I broke up. She told me that things just were not working between us anymore and we needed to move on and I was heartbroken. She confided in some friends a few weeks later that she was in love with my boss. When I confronted her on the issue she was obviously mad our friend had betrayed her trust but I was happy that I finally had the answer I was looking for. My partner denied that she was in love with my boss replacing love with infatuation and feelings for. But I could see the trouth. After time my partner and I desided to get back together, and all was good. My partner recognized that what she felt for my boss was not real and could never be.
However, she made the decision to remain friends with my boss. Which at first didnt bother me. On occasion we would all go out for drinks, or my boss would come over and we would have drinks. It always ended in some kind of argument with my partner and I. I have tried so hard to be understanding and not allow my insecurities to get in the middle of it all. But I love my partner so much and it breaks me up inside to think of this intense emotional connection she is sharing with another woman. I found myself analizing everything that was said and done during those visits. I could not just relax and have a good time. One night we went out and had dinner and went to a club after,when we got back to (now my old boss) house, she was sick having not eaten enough and drunk too much. My partner the nurturing and caring person she is desided to tuck my boss into bed for the night and we were going to sleep on the couches in the living room. So upstairs they went, and an hour went by then two and my partner had still not returned from tucking in my boss. My imagination went wild. I sat on the couch for the longest time with all of these horrific ideas pouring into my head and never working up the courage to go up and see what was going on. Finally after two and a half hours passed I got up the courage to face what could have been very painful for me and check on them. What I saw when I got to the top of the stairs was the two of them passed out, both fully dressed in what had been worn out that evening and just passed out drunk. Relief washed over me, and I returned to my spot on the couch, about an hour later my partner came downstairs asking me why I didnt come up and wake her up and appoligizing for falling asleep.
I feel so guilty in this whole ordeal. I am ashamed of myself for not placing more trust in my partner. It is just that when this woman is around I feel like the third wheel on my own relationship. Maybe those feelings are unjustified, maybe I have no right to feel angry or insecure or wishing it would all just end. Maybe i have put my partner in a position where she can not put up with the emotional wreck I become as a result of this womans presance in our lives. Maybe i am to blame. I know I am to blame. Yesterday my partner put an end to this friendship, and I came in and was instantly triggered. There was my partner sitting with the computer on her lap in tears over the end of this friendship and all this hurt came bubbling up inside of me. I felt like she was more emotional about ending this friendship with my old boss than she was when we broke up. My fears of her love for this woman even after years is not just love as you would love a friend but feelings of being in love. So here she is trying to do the right thing for herself and for us and I walk in and make her feel worse about it. I feel so bad, so guilty, like it is wrong of me to want so badly for this influence in our lives to be over, so we can get back the love and trust we once had, that I can make the whole process harder. It is hard for me to know that the woman I love and have dedicated my entire adult life too has such strong feelings for someone else. I feel selfish. I was never a jealous person, but my jealousy factor had never been tested before I introduced the friendship between these two explosive people. My jealousy brings me much guilt. I dont want to be that person. I never wanted the arguments or hard feelings, I never wanted the trust issues, I never wanted all of the crazy side effects of this womans influence on our lives. I just want a life with my partner. I love her with all of my heart and all of my soul and I am willing to stand by her to the end no matter what. I just wish I didnt feel so guilty about pressuring her to end this friendship, and I wish it was not so hard for her to do.

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