I will not claim to be an expert on bipolar disorder, I have not read any textbooks or studied the illness I can only speak from a place of experience and that is only my experience as a partner of a person suffering with this illness. I don't know about anyone else but I can say from my experience that my partner and I had 7 years of history before this illness reared its ugly head. 7 solid years without this monkey on my partners back. In those 7 years my partner and I became extreamly close, we shared everything, we had trust and respect but most of all an unshakable love. Perhaps if this illness would have presented itself in the first year of our relationship and put my love through the tests it has in the past 3 years then, I would have gone running for the hills. As I sit here today writing this, I can attest to having been tested in all ways possible since this illness has become a part of our lives. But the key is it is our lives, not my partners, because we have a life, together. Therefore, when she is suffering I am suffering, when she hurts I hurt. We have a partnership, and my love spans beyond the difficulties. In the most difficult of times I hold onto the good times, I remember that this time will pass and there will be good times again. I have come to a place of acceptance that the good times may be fleeting but they will present.
I also have a great deal of respect for my partner. She has been working so hard to learn the tools she will need to manage this illness. She was able to put her ego aside and ask for the help that she needs (which in itself is so hard to do) She has taken a proactive roll in her recovery. How can your love not grow when you know how much of a struggle it is just to keep going let alone drag yourself out to mental health meetings and groups and theropy and psycholigists etc... I love her more and more each day because she is trying. It is because she is working so hard that I stand firm beside her and make sure in the most difficult of times for her that she is fed and safe. I am also aware that for whatever suffering this process brings me through it is amplified for her and she would never do this to me on purpose. I know that if she could go back to how she was in the first 7 years of our relationship she would. I also know that in the times that she has wanted to end her life although with twisted logic she was thinking it would be better for me, if she was not around. This of course is not the case if she did end her life I would be terribly hurt, I am not sure that I would ever recover from something like that, and my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
So why to I stick around? I stick around because I care, I love her regardless of wether she can recipricate that feeling, regardless of what this illness throws our way, my love is unconditional. In my eyes my partner is worth all of it. She is funny, smart, exciting, loving, caring, beautiful, kind and strong. I know that all her qualities are there even if at the peaks of this illness she can not express them, they are there. They are there and I am here, when she gets back from chasing rainbows or crawls out of the sub basement of hell I will still be here.
2 comments:
Eight years post diagnosis and I still have doubts as to why my wife doesn't leave me. We were married for ten years when my bipolar II disorder decided to take over. It brought such distruction into our relationship, especially in my hypomanic episodes. Even after my failed suicide (with two infants sons in my life) she stayed by me. She is my rock and anchor.
I think self-esteem isn't really the issue behind this. For me it rests in two simple facts. 1. I will never be able to repay her kindness. 2. I can never apologize enough for what my illness did to her.
I have been mood stable for seven years. Lithium and Lamictal in conjunction have given me back all that I was minus the disease. But the one thing that can't be retracted is history. I remember. My wife remembers. How that memory doesn't scare her away is beyond me. She says she doesn't blame me, it was the illness that hurt her. I wish I could be as forgiving.
There is a strength in these feelings of unworthiness though that should not be overlooked. I am compliant with taking my medications. No matter how healthy I feel, I will never go off the meds. I owe it to myself and even moreso to my wife.
Your partner is fortunate to have someone like you on her side. Though at times it may seem like that's forgotten, know it's there even if she can't express it.
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