Mania vs. Depression

Reciently my partner mentioned that her theropist thinks I like my partners mania's more than her depressions. Hmmm its an interesting thought, hypo mania maybe a little but full blown mania not so much. Personally I enjoy the balanced moments. Depression is terrible, the anger, fear, confusion, helplessness, tears. I definately do not enjoy depression, the commercials are right; depression hurts. But so does mania, for me anyway. My partner is in a state of exticy while experiencing mania, she wants to do things, go shopping, see people, she moves at a super human pace, but she also chases rainbows, spends too much, leaves me behind in her whirlwind. Hypo-mania however I can deal with. To me she is fun, she wants to do things with me, she wants to go camping, she laughs and talks and we have fun together, but I have watched this illness for a while now and I always know that a good hypo-manic phase if not monitored will jump right up into a full blown mania, then I have stuff to worry about... Usually there is a great fall into depression from mania.
Nature seems to be the great devide for my partner, besides a little bit of hypo mania bipolar seems to remain at the city limits anticipating our return from nature. In nature my partner seeks out a place to meditate, she finds a sence of purpose in setting up camp, building fire, cooking, hiking, gathering wood for fires etc... She seems happy there. the call of the loons bring her soul peace. The stars bright at night guide her way to tomorrow. The cleansing water washes away the depression. There are no cars, there is no rush, out in the wilderness it is all about survival, the basics of life, food, water, shelter. There is no interfearance, no pointless quests, no need for stores, wastefull gadgets, its what life is all about. Out in the wilderness you have quality time with your loved ones, you work as a team on a survival project and feel the accomplishment together as a real team. Not the made up ideals of teamwork within an office setting, but real team effort, and when you need to you can take a break, when you are complete you have real down time, you can hop in the lake for a swim, you can take a nap, you can lay in the sun. In the city when you finish work you get in your car, run your erronds, you go home cook the family dinner, do the dishes, clean up, by the time you get any down time it is bed time.
If I had the means I would find a beautiful lake somewhere away with lots of privacy and move there, make life simple again. Refocus on survival and forget about the rat race.

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Ten Wonderful Years

This month my partner and I celebrate ten years together. Ten years, on one hand it feels like 2 weeks on the other 100 years. We have survived through thick and thin, we have endured great happiness and great loss. Our love has remained strong, true and patient.

We have had our hard times like with all long term relationships. My partners diagnosis of bipolar disorder has been a prominant part of our lives together for the past few years. She has endured unbearable lows and sky highs. Through it all she has managed to remember me here, remember my love for her, she managed to muster up the courage to live and has remained here by my side in moments I am sure she wanted nothing more than to run as fast as she could. Either to chase a manic rainbow or to just give in and leave this world and her life here behind. For that I can never show her enough love.

A ten year anniversary is something that I wasnt sure we would see a few years ago. Our relationship went through a very rough time. It was tempted and strained. Without a diagnosis my partners mania nearly drove our relationship down a dead end road. Somehow our love provailed, we managed a 3 point turn before the end of that road and decided to head down another path. This path seems far more promising, sure it has dangerous twists and turns and there is always another fork in it somewhere but we are not driving recklessly anymore. We are taking the road slow and steady, making the best decisions that we can with both our minds unified in the process. I am so incredibly proud and humbled to be here, at this point, weeks away from celebrating 10 years together. I can't think of anyone else I would like to spend my life with. Bipolar Disorder can ride in the back seat with us on our journey but I refuse to let it take the wheel.

This year is supposed to be our diamond anniversary. I am not one to really follow those types of gift standards and well lets face it I couldnt afford to buy a diamond beautiful and big enough to house the love that I have for my partner. Instead I will give her a memory, a memory I hope she can take with her on our journey and beyond. I am going to take her away for a weekend to Algonquin Park. There we will spend a quiet, relaxing weekend with only our company. We will go hiking and swimming, we will enjoy some wine in front of a roaring fire and dine on steak cooked on an open fire. At the end of the day we will fall into eachothers arms and reminisce on the past ten years we have spent toghether, all the good memories of those years, we will remeber all of the difficult times and be thankful we came through them all together.

I can't wait to see what the next Ten years offers us! I hope that whatever life throws our way we will continue to come together and find our way through hand in hand and minds united in love and respect.

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Hiking Rattlesnake Point

We desided last week to go camping, we were going to check our Earl Rowe Provincial Park but at the last moment desided not to go. The weather forcast for the weekend was terrible. Thunderstorms all three days, which wasnt what we were concerned about as much as the wind forcast. So instead we are going hiking and caving at Rattlesnake Point!
I have hiked and caved at rattlesnake point once before, when I was in highschool. I was a part of our highschools hiking club and I can say that rattlesnake point is amazing! It is chock full of cool little caves you can navigate your way through as well the scenery is awsome... I will have to bring along my camera for the day! Despite all of the forecasts for this weekend the weather is perfect for a day in the woods!

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The Real Life Results of Media Fear Tactics

I want to start this post by saying that I don't for one second buy into the media scare tactics. I don't walk around town looking over my shoulder expecting something tragic to happen at any random moment. The way I see live is what will happen will happen and I refuse to live my life in fear. I wish I could say that for all the people around me.

About four months ago we hired this guy at work, on his first day it was apparent there was something odd about him. My first memory of this kid is him crouched down in the hallway outside of the lunch room with his elbows on his knees just glaring around. At the time I just thought perhaps he is shy and doesnt feel comfortable enough to sit in the lunch room with everyone else. As time has gone on some more weird events have come about. For example, we will all be busy at work and the phones ringing and I will look around the room, this kid will be doing push ups behind his desk. He also comes in everyday tracking mud through the office, mud caked up to his ankles. He has been seen leaning back against the wall eyes to the sky in a prayer stance behind his desk. The little bit of history I know of this young man is that he was born in Haiti and chose to adopt the muslim religion. He is serious about his choice and prays more often then the remainder of the muslim staff working for us. To me this kid is just a little strange, not dangerous.

It is brought to our attention that one of the staff members saw him visiting a terrorist website while he was working. With that we decided to track his internet usage and have over 900 site hits in just the last four days. All staff sign an agreement upon hire stating that we are not to use the internet for personal use while at work. So to me just the fact that he has visited over 900 internet pages in four days is a major offence. But what the company is looking for is evidance that he was visiting terrorist web sites. There is a number of hits for Al Jazzeer which for those who dont know is a television station similar to CNN in the Middle East. I would expect that if he was watching Middle Eastern news reels they could be mistaken for terrorist web sites. My thoughts and feelings on the matter is that this whole situation is being blown out of proportion. People are scared. Yesterday I was involved in our weekly management meeting and was shocked at just how fearful people really are. The meeting consisted of the management piecing together pieces of an invisable puzzle to come to the conclusion that this kid is involved in terrorist activities. I work in a place that has access to some confidential information, we have access codes to important Canadian buildings etc... Which has just heightened the fear within our management team. Every attempt I made during that meeting to difuse this fear was rejected. They have themselves convinced that this guy is an imediate threat to the safety of our workers.

The conclusion to our meeting is I have to go in this morning at 8am and terminate this employee, on the basis that he has violated our policies by using the internet for personal use during working hours. The company has hired armed guards to protect the property for months to come in the event that this young man is a threat. The guards will be in the building this morning when I terminate him. They will be standing by in the event something terrible happens. To me this is excessive. My fear is that this kid is no harm at all and the company is discriminating against him. My problem is that I have to be a part of something I dont believe in. I agree that his employment should be terminated but not on the basis of imagined terrorist involvement but on the basis that he violated a company standard. We have terminated other employees while this young man has been employeed with us and we have never had armed guards present. The other thing that I just cant get past is, if the company truly believes that this kid is involved in this type of organization why are they not involving the police? Why do they not have the police look into his activities? No we are just going to set him free from our little piece of the planet and call it a day. We are going to assume based on some of his oddities and hearsay that he is involved in this type of organization and remove him from our work space.

I pray for a day when people can co-exist on this plannet, when we stop assuming things about people based on our own ignorance and fear, when people will be innocent until proven guilty. Until then I will go to work today and terminate this young mans employment for his personal internet use. Not because I believe he is involved in anything dangerous.

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Different Perspectives

One of the things that I love so much about blogging is the feedback. All that I am here, is an individual, like many others that are searching for some answers. We turn to the internet, we turn to other bloggers, we turn to eachother, and hope to make some sense out of this world, this life. I have spent the last three years living daily with Bipolar disorder. Day in and day out I have watched it eat away at my partner. It has ripped her from the life she had, has changed the way she thinks, reacts and carries out her days. The last post was not intended to simplify bipolar disorder down to the chemicals in our world. If you will, it was more a stab in the dark at a possible factor. I find myself on a constant mission to try and find possible solutions to HELP my partner's battle with this illness. It is an illness I feel helpless against.
greenishtinge said...

1. extreme moods have been documented since at least the time of Aristotle when the chemical lifestyle of today didn't exist. There are, throughout history, clusters of people who were considered bp or as having one type of mental afflication or another, hysteria, etc. I understand that you are weary of the rate at which people are being diagnosed with bp but as the DSM gradually includes more and more symptoms in its list of criteria more and more people are fitting the bill of being mentally ill. Also, be careful of your logic. Just because people eat more ice-cream in the summer and there are more drowning deaths in the summer doesn't mean that the increase in ice-cream consumption causes drowning.

2. Be careful. Sometimes people can take offense at their symptoms being whittled down to chemical products. They may feel that perhaps you are making their illness less legitimate. Remember that bp often runs in families and that many older generations, in spite of mental illness, did not believe or receive a diagnosis. If, for example, I was to take my own family history, there was a lot of mental illness types of incidents/behaviors but no one was ever diagnosed with anything, including my grandmother who attempted a murder/suicide and probably had what we would now call Aspergers syndrome. Just some of my thoughts.

I want to thank greenishtinge for her thoughts on this issue and for brining home how my words can trigger others that read them. I had not thought about the stigma associated with mental illness in the past, it is yet another lesson in the reliability of statistics. I hope that those who read my words on this site can keep in mind that I love my partner dearly and want to do whatever I can to help in anyway. I figured that eliminating some of the chemicals we are exposed to on a regular basis can't hurt. Which is why at the beginning of the last post I wrote that I didn't think it was advisable for anyone to read my words and decide to stop any medications. Even in talking about this more natural lifestyle with my partner I was sure to specify that she needed to remain on her medications. The trouth is I dont have any answers about this illness. I dont know what causes it and I dont know how to fix it. What I do know is the effects it has had on my partners life and the lives of those who love her. And all I want to do is help.
The conclusions I have come to in the past few years is that my partner finds peace in nature. Having a dog helps as well (he forces her off the couch and into the fresh air, wether or not she wants to). She does a little better when she eats properly and excercises regularily. Meditation is helpful, both with helping her sleep properly and with making her step out of the thinking planning mode that her mind loves and makes her live in the moment. I would do anything for my partner. I built her a meditaion room in our home so she would have a clean quiet area to practice her mediation. Its her space and her space alone. She can retreat to it whenever she wants or needs to. I try to get her out into nature as often as possible, even going as far as to look into a career change for me so we can move to a farm. I come home after working all day and make us dinner because I know she needs to eat and often does not unless I force her too. If I had the money I would move us into a cottage somewhere beautiful with trees and water and a lot of space for her to walk and hike. Just in the hope that a change in environment would ease the grip this illness has had on her life over the past few years. I hope anyone reading this blog will remember that anytihng I say or any ideas I have are all about trying to help my partner cope with this illness. I didnt think for one moment that changing to all natural cleaners and organic foods would cure her of this illness I just thought perhaps it would be helpful with some of her symptoms. Beyond that I do believe that it would be healthier overall to live a more natural lifestyle.
Thank you Greenishting for your thoughts and insites on what I had to say. It is nice to have other thoughs and perspectives on the ideas I have. Thank you as well for delivering those perspectives in the respectful manner in which you did. I appreciate that. I am not here to offend or diminish this illness or anyone suffering with it. I use this blog to document my thoughts and feelings on bipolar disorder and my partners battle with it. My love for her is pure and I strive to find ways to help, I dont think for one moment that I will cure anything. I am not a doctor nor do I have any solid science background, I just have love and respect. With that I arm myself and try to find ways to be helpful. I feel like it is not enough for me to be supportive and to be there for her both physically and emotionally, I feel like there has to be more I can do. Ways that I can change our environment to ease some of the symptoms she has, to try to create a space in which she can experience happiness and clarity. Alas I am helpless against this illness, perhaps one day I will accept that and just let what be, be what is.

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Our Chemical World

Before I start this post I want to first put out a warning. I do not in any way shape or form suggest anyone take what I am about to write in this post and use it as a reason to stop taking any medications perscribed by a medical professional. I do not want my words to be responcible for anyone making a decision that can harm their health and well being. The ideas that are about to come are nothing more than a girls thoughs on the effects of the world around us. Having said that if you are in a fragile state and angry or frusterated with the fact that you have to take medications I ask that you read no further.

Now that I have that out I want to talk about the current state of our surrounding environment. 50 years ago our world was a cleaner place, food was grown naturally, meat was grass or grain fed, the cleaning products were natural. My partner was looking at some statistics about bipolar disorder last week that got me thinking. The statistic that peaked my interest is that people in my age group are being diagnosed Bipolar at alarming rates. People of my parents generation are beginning to be diagnosed now as well. So why all of a sudden are people in their 30's being diagnosed and in their 50's? how did the people who are being diagnosed in their 50's get through the last 20 years without symptoms? Could it be this?

I started thinking about all of the changes humans have come through in the last 50 years. The one staggering thought is chemicals. Everything we eat, drink, wear, sleep on and clean with is infused with multiple chemicals. We are injesting, breathing and absorbing an alarming amount of chemicals just by getting up, getting dressed and having breakfast in the morning, not to mention the chemicals our bedding and the beds themselves are soaked in that we are sleeping on. My question is, is it possible that chemical sensitivities could be at least partially responsible for the influx in people showing symptoms of mental illness?

I started researching Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) an illness that is not yet recognized by medical professionals, mainly because there is not enough evidance to support the claim. Here are the symptoms listed for MCS:

-Headache

-Fatigue

-Dizziness

-Nausea

-Irritability

-Confusion
-Difficulty Concentrating

-Intolerance to heat or cold

-Earache

-Stuffy head or congestion

-Itching

-Sneezing

-Sore throat

-Memory Problems

-Breathing Problems

-Changes in heart rhythm

-Chest Pain

-Muscle Pain and/or stiffness

-Bloating or gas

-Diarrhea

-Skin Rash or Hives

-Mood Changes

This list blew me away! So many of the symptoms here reflect the symptoms my partner has complained about for years. I am not suggesting that my partner is not bipolar or that she should stop her meds, I just think that with the change in the frequency of which people of this age group are being diagnosed Bipolar coupled with the fact that nothing (and I do mean nothing) that we come in contact with daily, hourly or by the minute or second is free of chemicals. I am sitting here right now in a t-shirt and pajama pants thinking about the anti flamable chemicals my cloths were dipped in during manufacturing and the laundry detergent and fabric softner chemicals mixing and seeping into my body through my skin. My bare feet resting on the wood floors treated with chemicals, the air that I am breathing, tiny particals of chemicals that I have cleaned with I am inhaling with each breath. Have you ever looked at the ingredients in dish soap? There is nothing in dish soap that I can even pronounce. Or air freshener.. my god! I have known for a long time that man is killing the environment and creating a place unfit for the future of our children, now I know it is much more urgant than that. We are changing the chemical makeup of our bodies. Yours and mine. Everytime I put my hands in dish water I am absorbing about 10 different chemicals that are traveling directly into my blood stream. Wear rubber gloves to avoid that chemical transfer? What chemicals are the gloves treated in?

5o Years ago people cleaned with natural products, vinegar and water amongst others, we were not afraid of our cloths or bedding catching fire, cotton was what was worn, or food was grown in dirt, not in pesticides. Our animals fed grass and grains, not hormones and biproducts. My partner and I will be going through a pretty drastic lifestyle change in the coming weeks. I will be changing our hygene products to natural products, or cleaning products to chemical free cleaning products and the food we eat will be organic. I am even considering throwing the microwave in the garbage.... Who thought that cooking food in a device that DOES NOT HEAT UP was this great idea?

I am no professional, I do not know with any kind of solid proof that bipolar disorder has anything at all to do with our chemical world and am not suggesting in anyway that anyone including my partner discontinue use of perscribed medications. I can not conclude that MCS is responsible for any symptoms of bipolar, all that I am saying is in my house we will be changing to natural chemical free products for the good of both of our health. As well as the environment.

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Dragging her out

Last night there was a function for my work, its called the Dolly Awards where people recieve their service awards among others. I recieved an invitation about a month ago and decided to RSVP for two but wait until the event neared to ask my partner to join me. I didnt want her to have weeks to dream up all the ways in which these kinds of events could be disasterous. I work with some amazing people, people that I knew my partner would love. I have been trying to get her to join me at some of these events for ages but could never convince her that the event wouldn't be boring and uncomfortable. So two days ago I asked my partner to join me for this event assuring her that she would have a good time and not to worry about anything. The event was being held at the Old Mill Inn and Spa, a beautiful, rustic building caked in history. To my surprise she agreed to go, if not with some hesitation and a little show of anxiety.

The night was amazing! We had some drinks and laughed the night away. The whole thing was a success, and my partner had a good time. Bipolar disorder has a way of playing with her imagination and turning the idea of social events into possibly painful experiences and she often succumbs to those ideas and holds herself back from some great experiences.

Last night she was wonderful, getting along with everyone like they were old friends, there is nothing that makes my heart melt for her even more than when I see her laughing, I am so happy she decided to come. Next time we will have to get a room at the Inn, and carry the beauty and ambiance of this wonderful place into the night!

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Lifted Cloud

Well the depression has lifted. At least for the moment. This weekend was good although I find myself stalking possible triggers that threaten the current state of calm. After a week of trigger after trigger I have my eye pealed for any possible new problems, ready to jump on top of them and block their way into my partners fragile head. Yesterdy we went so far as to turn off the phone and just read and naped, which made for a pleasant day.
Overall the weekend was good and we managed to hold the looms of depression at bay, we enjoyed a movie and had plenty of time to just relax. I hope that this weekend offers us a repreave from the threat of depression and the ever constant threat of mania that seems to follow the depression. The last few nites my partner has had a hard time sleeping which worries me , it is a surefire way to know mania is in the wings, however the sleepless nights could be a simple result of daytime naps. Heres to hoping!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDQnkYwfNfk

I love this song.

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5 Things

5 Things I Love
-My partner
-My puppy
-My family
-Summer
-The outdoors

5 things I always wanted to do

-Travel the world
-Make a career of my photography
-Build a home with my bare hands
-Live off the land
-Take pictures of a secluded waterfall in a far away place

5 of my favorite people

-My partner
-My mother in law
-My mother
-My siblings
-Me

5 things i like to do with my time

-Read
-Visual Arts
-Camp (be in nature)
-Be around good friends
-Enjoy a glass of wine with my girl

5 things I dislike

-Mental illness
-Liers
-Money
-Living in the city
-Dreams unreolized

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Depression

I don't know what is worse, depression or mania. Both have their major downfalls. Mania comes with excessive spending, arguments, insecurity etc. Yet depression makes me feel so helpless. When the world is so unfair and things just tumble downhill. It pains me that I dont have the words in me to make everything okay for my partner in her depressions. What is inside of me, all the love and patience is never enough. I can't spill my overflowing heart into hers to give her hope and ease that pain.

I know this too shall pass. Depressions have come and gone for her over and over in the past three years, but each one is like a fresh slice with the worlds sword. It sits shining in the corner, edge gleaming like it has been freshly sharpened and is waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And I am powerless against it. I want to whack it against a boulder a thousand times until I fall exhausted against the boulder with the dull sword chiming with each bounce off the floor beside me, never to be sharpened again. Alas there it sits shining and untouchable.

This week has been difficult for my partner, thus difficult for me. I want for my soft words and gentle caresses to sooth the pain I know I cant touch. I want my words to mean so much and make so much sence in my partners bipolar mind, that the depression would just fall aside, the usless blob of bull shit that it is. I want so badly to be able to make her well, to just hand to her in a beautifully gift wrapped package, confidance, happiness, clairity, stability and a life full of wonder. I am restricted to gentle words, caresses and all the love and patience that I have in my heart. I will pour my love relentlessly over her depression until enough drips through to bring a smile to her face and hope to her heart. Until then I shower my love with all my heart has to offer.

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CPP and their Liers Win Policies

Bipolar disorder has ripped apart my partners life and sence of self in so many ways I dont have time to name here. She was layed off from her job of 10 years almost 3 years ago and Bipolar moved in in its place. Since that time she has been working tirelessly on herself trying to come to a place of greater understanding of this illness that has taken control of her life. She made a brave attempt to work about two years ago and it resulted in a major emotional breakdown that led to a visit to our local crisis center.
With only my income we struggle financially. After paying bills and gassing my car there is little left for anything else. This financial struggle has not helped my partners emotional recovery, she feels an enormous amount of guilt. We have been trying for quite some time to get her financial assistance. We were told by Ontario disability that I make too much money (even though on my income alone we are below the poverty line) they said that she would have a better chance with CPP Disability because she contributed to it for over 10 years. So an application and multiple Dr's forms later, she was declined for CPP too. Why? Because she stated on her application that she had a goal of returning to work next year. Apparently she was not aware of how to play the CPP/ Gov't Assistance game. Rejected for having a goal, for being honest about that goal and for being honest throughout the whole ordeal. People wonder why Joe Blow down the street is on gov't assistance when there is nothing wrong with him, this is the honest answer. He knows how to lie and play the game. Yet people with mental illness and morals, now have to get a lawer and appeal the decision.
We teach our kids honesty is the best policy. Remeber to also teach them if they need anything from the gov't to lie through their teeth.

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Farm Girls!

On Saturday morning I went to a small town outside of Kitchener calls St. Claments, to pic my partner up. She had spent a few days in Grand Bend and came to St. Claments with her friends to their daughters farm for their anniversary party. We arrived at precicely the same moment (actually if trouth be told I would have been there about 5 minutes earlier but I missed the farm and went 5km in the wrong direction) We had decided the night before over the phone to stay at the farm overnight on Saturday.
Can I just say I love farm life? Okay I am saying it I love farm life! The farm is just a small hobby farm which is just perfect for me. They have two horses and some chickens so far. Other than that the farm is a beautiful 5 acres of property that is tree lined with a beautiful pond near the back. This property has a nice two bedroom farm house and a nice two bedroom appartment above the garage. My partner and I fell in love with the appartment. you go up a flight of stairs on the side of the garage to a small deck, as you enter the appartment the kitchen is on the left, it has an old table and chairs but what really caught our eye was the bench seat behind the table it curves in a L and seats 3 people along one side and the back of the table. Then you enter a door into the living room which is a large space that looks out over the property, off the living room there is another large room it looks like it may have been used as a dining room, I would probably take down the wall that seperates the two rooms and make it an open concept living/dining area perhaps put a bar in the space as well. the bedrooms are through another door. In the hallway there is a stairway that leads down to another room and out into the garage. The master bedroom is a fair size and has exposed slanted ceiling, this room looks out to the horses. The second bedroom is mall but still with the slanted ceiling and would make a great meditation room. The bathroom is well its a bathroom. When you go down the stairs you come out in a room that has a big fireplace against the wall there is also a wood burning stove in the room to heat the appartment in the winter. I would make this room very comfortable, I have always wanted a place with a fireplace. The wood burning stove is an added bonus!
So my partner and I are laying in the apartment Saturday night just revaling in how much we love it. It felt so much like home. It was so comfortable. Even the dog was comfortable. The apartment is definately a place I could see myself living.
In the morning I got to drive the tractor! I love the whole idea, having a nice quiet, private place to live. Helping out around the farm. Feeding horses and chickens, building different things on the farm. Our friends that owned the farm in the morning asked me how the appartment was, my reply. "you mean our appartment is was wonderful. I love it" She said we will talk... They are looking for someone to rent the appartment and well they just may have some takers if they can wait until January, and if I can find some way to make money out there. It is close to Kitchener so I dont think I would have too much of a problem.
In the mean time if they want to rent the place to us in the next year, there is so much that I would like to do. My head is swimming with the possibility.

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A Crazy Day in the Neighbourhood

We decided last night that I would go to work a little early this morning due to the fact we would be a little understaffed today. I could pick up the slack for a little while. So I trott in an hour and 45 minutes early and sit down at my desk. I don't even get logged into the system and my phone is ringing,have everyone log off the system we are going to do some upgrades! On a friday. Afternoon! They have to be kidding. I should say that I work for a company that takes emergency calls for elevators across Canada as well as maintenance and repair calls, on average we recieve more than 2000 calls daily. Working off the system is like a surgan doing your stiches blindfolded. When you are off the system where I work you cant dispatch the calls because it tells you what mechanic takes the calls, it also houses all of the phone extensions for the whole company. So for 20 minutes we are forced to take manual calls and wait to dispatch them until we can get back on the system. Finally it is time to boogy and we discover the upgrades have caused all kinds of system errors which kick us out of the system everytime we save a change or dipatch a call. Back off the system again. and this cycles all day long! Finally they kick us off the system for a final time so they can remove the system "upgrades" so we can get the job done efficiently for once. The fun doesnt stop here though now you have 40 calls on the screen that need to be dispatched and mechanics yelling because the calls are a frw hours old. I don't blame them for being upset about it though, they are on the road and now need to rush around to a bunch of calls in an hour or two that they should have had spread out throughout the day.

I got home tonight tossed my bag on the couch and thought to myself home sweet home, and TGIF! I have to do some laundry tonight but I intend to lay around for most of the evening with my book and a bottle of water and relax. I think I earned an evening off!

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All You Can Eat Sushi With Rules

Last night I had plans with some friends from work, we went to dinner at a resturant that offered all you can eat sushi. Now sushi is one of those foods that looks like you can eat a lot but once you get started you fill up fast. The resturant was not an all you can eat buffet so some people order a course from the menu and others can order all you can eat which for $17 you can pick anything you want off the menu. What I didn't know is that you have to finish what is on your plate or they charge you for each thing you ordered individually. So being causious, I ordered vegitable tempura, salmon rolls and Las Vegas rolls, thinking I am hungry I can eat 12 pieces of sushi. Apparently my eyes are bigger than my stomach because 1/2 of the tempura and 8 pieces of sushi later I could bairly breath. If I payed for each item individually dinner would have cost me near $40 but only half of that if I could finish what was on my plate. Another rule is you cant share. So there were three other people at the table I could not pass this extra food on to. When the waitress went in the back to get someone elses order I quickly tossed some of the sushi on my plate to one of my friends who had ordered the same thing. I then went outside for a smoke thinking if I waited a few minutes I may be able to squeeze in the last of the food in front of me. Not so much. There were two pieces of Las Vagas rolls staring up at me from the plate and a few more pieces of tempura. I am sitting there staring back at the plate thinking I don't want to pay twice as much for dinner because I can't eat this little bit of food left..... So, I put my hands in my jacket pocket and eurika! There was a bag in my pocket, a vacant pick up bag left from a previous walk with the dog! Thank God. When the moment presented itself I quickly took the remaining food from my plate and disposed of it in the bag, secretly thanking god that I didnt have to choke down the rest of what I knew wouldnt fit in my stomach. Needless to say I will NEVER order the all you can eat sushi from the menu again. I felt like a little kid whose parents wont allow to get up from the table until they finish all their veggies. I was so full I wanted to cry looking down at my plate thinking I am going to be here all night. Saved!

We then moved on to one of the local gay bars to watch a drag show. The show was scheduled to start at 11pm. But like most things with gay boys it ran late. 12am the show starts and the bar fills up. It was very much worth the wait! Not only was the show great but we went on the introduction night for Smirnoff Black Ice and got free drinks out of the deal too! You can't ask for a better deal than that.
I forgot to forewarn my streight co-worker friends of my known antics with gay boys at clubs... Oops! I will proclaim loud and proud that I Love Gay Boys! Love them. I always have and I attract them like a big ol' lesbian magnet! Get enough drinks in me and I have been known to make out with them. There is not feelings there which makes it all the more fun, I dont want them they dont want me, so what the hell. It didn't get to that point last night because I have to work this morning, I am too old to play too hard on school nights! So I will say they got a small taste of Jenn with the gay mens... LOL.. It was just a little shocking to them to see me react that way to men period. The night was so much fun, I haven't had the opportunity to go out and have fun like that in a while. It was really nice. Just don't order the all you can eat sushi if you cant eat all you think you can!

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Time apart

There was a time long ago that my partner and I were inseperable. We wanted to be with eachother at all times. It was painful to be apart, a few days seemed like an eternaty. I would well up with tears as she left the house to go visit a friend for a few days, thinking how much I was going to miss her. How could we be apart? How could I sleep in our bed without her breathing next to me? Every moment apart felt like an eternity. I would despriately try to find something to fill my time with while she was away. I would busy myself with housework, friends, extra hours at work. I could never just sit back and enjoy having the house to myself.

Now after ten years together and some difficult times we have come to the reolization that some time apart every now and then is healthy. Having friends that we can enjoy the company of without eachother is healthy.
Today I will be taking my partner to her friends in Grand Bend, where she will be staying until the weekend. In past history for a few days before a trip like this I would feel needy and clingy, I would feel the need to suck up all the love and attention I could get from my partner before she were to leave. Today I would be emotional, it would feel almost like loss, like she was going forever even though I knew logically it was only for a few days. Now I joke about it, last night we were laying in bed and I turned to my partner and said (sarcasticly) "you are LEAVING me! Forever!" And we laugh. She comes back with "you are right, I am running away to Grand Bend and never comeing back... So your coming to pick me up on Saturday?" We laugh some more.

It is nice to no longer feel that insecurity, to be able to enjoy my time alone. I have to work everyday that she is away but on Wednesday I have a work function in the evening, on Thursday I am going to dinner with some friends and Friday I will just spend my evening here at home reading and relaxing. I will miss my partner when she is away, I like to come home to her beautiful face each night. I like to hear her voice before I drift off to sleep, etc. But missing her is different now than it used to be, it is no longer a desperate feeling. No longer does a few days feel like an eternaty without her. The time will pass and before I know it she will be back home and her voice will be the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep.

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So Frusterating

Over six years ago my partner and I desided to move into a nice two bedroom appartment on the main floor of a beautiful building with my father. Suddenly after 6 years living here the management company that runs the building has desided it is high time they cause us some unnecessary greif.


Two weeks ago we recieved a notice in the mail that they have reason to believe that we have additional tenants residing within our unit not named on the lease and that we could expect to have a unit inspection within the next ten days. For me this is mearly a pain in the ass. I know we have nothing to hide, we have had the same three people living in our unit since our move in date. We rairly have guests in our home, and in the six years we have lived here have had only two overnight guests and both stayed for less than 3 consecutive days. So bring on your inspection. For my partner this is a catasrophy. She feels like she is under a microscope. She has been struggling with this since the day we recieved the notice. Why are they doing this to us? Why her? What did she do to deserve this? Who would want us out of here? We live on the main floor so we often keep our drapes closed for privacy, we dont bother other people in the building.

D-day has come and gone, the inspection was well... lets just say interesting. My partners fears and parinoia are at an all time high with this situation. The manager came in with two ladies to look around, on their way out the manager says to me," I know you have a colored lady living here". First, 1961 called they want their racism back! and Second, He knows nothing apparently because not only is there not a "colored" lady living here but there are no additional ladies or men living here at all! He then went on to say this lady is entering our unit nightly and sleeping here. The whole accusation is so absord I can't help but laugh! My partner on the other hand is spending all of her time worrying about this situation. She typed up a visitors log for anyone who enters out appartment to sign, including their name, race, the date, time in, time out and signature. We also put together a document for our neighbours to sign stating that they have not been witness to any additional people coming into or leaving our unit with a consistancy that would suggest residancy.
This morning my partner was walking our dog and the superintendant took the liberty of standing by our appartment door and staring at her. This was just one more trigger to add to the already tedious pile of triggers over the past few weeks. She feels intimidated, like she needs to prove everything that is being done. She is making a big deal, speaking loudly in the hallways to bid our guests adue at the end of their visits.

As far as i am concerned if they don't believe us they can do one of a few things they can park a lawn chair outside our door and sit there for the next few weeks months or however long it takes for them to reolize there are just the three of us here. or they can turn the security cameras to face our door and capture the three of us as we come and go from our unit. I will not be intimidated our of my home by some arrogant prick who thinks he is something special because he is the superintenant. We pay more than any other residants of this building for our appartment it doesnt even make good busness sence to try to get rid of us. Beyond that I am not new here, I know my rights as a tenant and I also know we have not violated any of the terms and conditions of our lease.

However, home is supposed to be your sanctuary from the world, a place to kick up your feet and relax. This whole situation is just so frusterating.

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Cheri's Masterpiece!

I have been watching my new friend Cheri's art unfold before my eyes and am inspired by her creativity. Noting all of the emotions that lay quiet behind the scenes of each masterpiece. Every person who creates has the same thoughts, feelings and emotions it is dripped in each and every brush stroke, camera flicker and musical cord. It is interesting to have not only been witness to the art unfolding but also have the opportunity to experience the words that go with the painting. Words belonging to the artest. Words that are so familiar, similar emotions, insecurities, triumps that play in my head with each artistic quest I venture on.

All artests start with a vision, wether it be a vision created by nature, humans, interactions or emotions , as that vision comes together like pieces of a puzzle our emotions begin emerging. Wether it be tragity, love, annoyance, anger, frusteration or any other number of emotions it is all there quietly behind the brush strokes.

Take the picture at the top of my blog for instance. That photo came from a place deep inside of me. The whole series I took that day were all borne of the same emotion. All in black and white, all solitary images, something physical standing on its own. I was in a place in my life where I felt all alone. Solitary in my space. The feeling of being all alone in a room full of people, of being the only person on earth however surrounded.

This is one of the other pictures taken on the same beach on the same day. The interesting thing about art is people will see the same image, interperate the same song etc in all kinds of different ways depending on what their innermost emotions are for the day. When I look at these pictures I am flooded with that feeling of solidarity, emptiness all alone in the world. I am transported to a place within me that feels like no one else in the world feels like I do. But I have had others interperet these pictures as calm, quiet and contentment. I havent had the opportunity to go out with my camera in a while, perhaps because my life has been changing, or I just havent made the time, I lack the motivation at this moment. What I do know is when I pick the camera up and begin shooting the images you will all see will be a reflection of me. Perhaps this is why artests are always so critical of their work. It is like putting your soul on the canvis or on photo paper or to musical notes, you are there naked for everyone to see. You stand back and see all your many flaws and you are sure everyone else can see them too.

As Cheri says in her last post "there are so many changes I want to make.... it is out of my hands now..." What a metaphor for life... With every step taken, action and every word said we analize it. Pick it apart, disect it, Shoulda, woulda, coulda, its out of our hands now. To stand back at our lives our art, ourselves and be mindful that every person is going to interperit it as they see themselves. To know that when you are standing there naked for all the world to see, the eyes staring in your direction can only see themselves. And that is out of our hands.

Cheri, Thank you so much for sharing your art and emotion, for standing naked. For allowing me into your world of art and thus the world of Cheri. Your visions are amazing, I am proud of your accomplishment and your dedication to sharing that accomplishment with me.

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Some of my favorite pictures

For those that don't know photography is one of my passions. It is one of the things that makes me escape the real world. I can loose myself in all of the beautiful sights this world has to offer. I see everything through a lens. Everything I see I am thinking how I could take a picture of it, what angle, what lighting, what kind of foreground or background would make it a great shot.
The following pictures are some of my favorites. I hope you like looking at them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

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The Elora Gorge

When my partner and I first started going camping together the Elora Gorge was our destination of choice.. Years ago the Elora Gorge was a quaint little camping spot with some great sites (If you know where to look) We were lucky enough to share a seasonal site with some friends who only wanted to use it for the first half of the season so the second half was all ours. It is a private site tucked in against the gorge featuring its own waterfall. In the spring the frogs mating calls are intoxicating. A cacophony of sound breaking the early season silence of the night. We had so many wonderful memories on this site. Private moments shared just the two of us as well as many wonderful times with our friends and family.

In the past few years Elora lost its battle against the building of a race track and the rising commercialism in the area has slowly taken away the charm of this little town. During the high season where there was the quiet wisper of wind through the tree tops and song birds high above singing down on our love, is replaced by the roar of car engines and a plethera of teenagers excited screams as they embark on their funfilled afternoon of tubing on the Grand. The privacy of our little gem of a site made public by a hiking trail that winds along the edge of the gorge and right through our site. The drive that once seperated our sanctuary from the road above made way to cyclists looking for a path.

My partner and I made a decision while relaxing infront of our roaring late April camp fire. We will make Elora our first camping trip of the season and our last. Avoiding the high season rush all while tricking us into believing the place we once called our summer getaway remains untouched by the "Man". A brand new tradition born. One time in April and again in October, when it is too cold for the average Joe to brave a night out in nature without a heated trailor you will find us, enjoying our quiet little oasis. If you find yourself there in April take a moment after the sun has set to turn your ears to the pond and allow yourself to be taken away on the sounds of the bull frogs creating the next seasons songsters. Likewise in October lay back eyes to the sky and be witness to the birds flocking by the thousands as they begin their travel south.

Last night was a wonderful evening filled with love. I had a feeling of being transported back in time if only fleeting, back to a time when Bipolar disorder had not shown its ugly face. Back when we were young and carefree, when the idea of difficult times seemed so unlikely, when we thought the world could never get us. Oh how nice it is to visit that place, mindful that we are not to stay in that place. The lessons we have learned along the way are priceless. This is for our journey through life, as the roads wind let us wind with them without hesitation. Always being mindful to let be what is, be.

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All about me

1. My heart is on my sleve
2. What you see is what you get
3. I can be emotional
4. I stuff my feelings alot
5. I am artistic
6. I am good with my hands
7. If you dream it up I can build it
8. I love photography
9. I want a digital SLR camera
10. I love nature
11. I would live in a secluded cabin in the woods
12. I am a people pleaser
13. I love ice cream
14. I eat too much junk
15. I miss my family
16. I love my partner unconditionally
17. I don't want any children
18. I dream of winning the lottery and building my dream home
19. I drive a Malibu
20. I want to get a motorcycle
21. I love camping
22. I wish I had vacation time this summer
23. I love my dog!
24. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day
25. I enjoy east indian food
26. I daydream about laying in a hamic all day reading
27. I wish I was thin
28. I am hard on myself
29. I miss my siblings
30. I like to make others laugh
31. I like my new job
32. I hate shopping
33. I am a casual dresser
34. I look like I am in drag in a dress
35. I cant walk on heels
36. I like to do things for others
37. I love to see my partner smile
38. I love to hear children laugh
39. I love a clean home but can't seem to find the time to keep mine clean
40. I like hot baths with a book
41. I like my back touched
42. I am growing my hair back
43. Others opinions matter to me
44. I have 3 tattoos
45. I want another one
46. I like to draw and paint
47. I do too much for others and not enough for myself
48. I sometimes feel like I don't matter
49. I dont like others telling me how to live my life
50. I wish I could make a career out of my photography
51. I want to go back to school
52. I want to live close to algonquin park
53. I could spend all day in Home Depot
54. My next project is to build a bed frame
55. I wish I had power tools and a place to put them
56. I love photoshop
57. I could play with my photographs all day
58. I would like to dress better
59. I love candles
60. I feel good when I meditate with my partner
61. I wish I had a larger vocabulary
62. I love the ocean
63. I like motorized toys
64. I love hiking
65. I love making love in the woods
66. I love star gazing with my girl
67. I wish I could go to Australia
68. I want to visit Africa
69. And India
70. I am afraid of bears
71. I think the grizzly man was nuts
72. I like silly movies
73. I like the internet
74. I am embarrased to say I keep in touch with my friends through facebook
75. I smoke
76. I want to quit
77. I want a new car
78. I would spend a small fortune in Mountain Equiptment Co-op
79. I wish I was more attractive
80. I love my niece and nephue
81. I love I can send them home at the end of the day
82. I love summer
83. And hate winter
84. A secluded cabin in the woods close to the ocean would be nice
85. I am a dreamer
86. I am sensitive
87. I want to help everyone
88. I rairly help myself
89. I feel love deeply
90. I am a nester
91. I want to spend my life with my partner
92. I want to cure mental illness
93. I want 3 wishes
94. I wish I could help my mother
95. I think my dog needs downers
96. I wish my neighbours would mind their own busness
97. I like waking up to kisses
98. I like going to bed with kisses
99. I have curly, unruly hair
100. I love Shannon

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Bipolar Disorder and Partnership

Almost ten years ago, I met the most wonderful woman. From the beginning I felt this draw to her, I always wanted to be around her. We soon became inseperable friends, spending every possible moment together and most other moments on the phone with eachother. The type of friendship that would find us falling asleep while talking on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Waking up with the phone still pressed to your ear or still in your hands, I would look down and smile thinking about how we could just not put the phone down. She was the first person in my life to make me feel smart and attractive and funny. She stimulated thought in me. She challenged me and opened my mind to so many possibilities. Sometimes we would just lay together with a candle lit and meditate together, no words, no touching, simply together and appart.
We were met with many challenges in those days. I was young and confused. She was an out and proud lesbian, I on the other hand was young and confused. At that time I was torn between what my heart was telling me about how I felt about this woman and my fear of what my friends and family were going to think. Up to that point I had never even considered the possiblity of being with a woman. In those days she needed to be the patient one. I pushed and pulled her in ways that embarrase me now. I feel bad about the emotional rollercoaster I dragged her on. It took me almost loosing her to reolize and act on the feelings I really had for her. I couldnt bear to see her with someone else, it tore my heart into pieces to see her with other women. Finally I threw caution to the wind and came to terms with the fact that my feelings for her were stronger than my fear of the unknown.

Ten years later and the tables are turned. Bipolar disorder came into our lives and put the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being pushed and pulled. I was now the one being dragged onto the emotional rollercoaster. Our secure, perfect little life toghether was rocked. She was unstable, either manic and wanting to do elaberate things. With her mania she was always looking for something fun and exciting and lets face it after being with someone for as many years as we were I couldnt provide that excitement. In her depressions, a quiet, non communitive, sobbing woman on the couch. I was so confused. Without a diagnosis, I did not have a clue what was going on. All I knew was that our relationship was suffering, big time. I feared loosing her and almost did on a few occasions. The open honest communication we once had was all but gone. I couldnt get her to talk to me and I wasnt sure I wanted to hear a lot of what was going on in her head. I just wanted my girl back. The one who's eyes would light up like a kid on Christmas morning when I would walk in a room, the one I could make laugh so easily, the one who only seemed to have eyes for me. I wanted that woman back, with a passion I can not describe.
Through everything I can honestly say my love for her never once faultered. Yes I made mistakes, I didnt understand. I didnt understand why she was interested in other women all of a sudden, I didnt understand why she would want to die, why I wasnt enough to keep her here, I didnt understand her pain, anger, tears. But I never, ever stopped loving her. I am a true believer in unconditional love. Some people may think I am crazy to stand by her in all of this. Really when it comes down to it I dont care what anyone else thinks. 9 years ago I made a committment to her and myself that I intend to keep, through thick and thin. She has been there for me in every moment that she was capable of doing so. I will be there for her in every moment she is not capable of being there for me. That is me.
We had a few very tough years. The clouds have been lifting. We are communicating again, that open honest communication I used to cherish. She is taking her medications and seeing her doctors regularily, she is even taking it a step further and joining mental health groups, all in an effort to gain her life back. I am proud of her in so many ways. She made it through some very hard times, her heart is still beating and she is still breathing. I am proud of her for every breath she takes and every step she takes. Every time she leaves the house to see friends or go to a group or appointment that pride grows within me. She is taking back control of her life, she has worked harder than I could ever truley know. Everytime she is having a bad day and opens her mouth to talk to me about what is happeing with her I acknowledge how far she has come. Everytime she expresses love my heart grows for her, for there was a time she simply said that she couldnt feel love. Not for herself and not for anyone else. For her love had just died. To hear her say "I love you" and see in her eyes she truly feels it melts me. She is a survivor. She has been through more than any human being should have to endoure, yet somehow she keeps pulling through. She has faced it all head on. I am so proud and so in love. There is nothing and no one that could make me love her any less.
She is bipolar but most importantly she is smart, caring, loving,funny, generous, unique and she has my heart forever. I cant imagine my life without her right here by my side. Through anything and everything, you will find me here. Unconditionally.

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